I Want To Show You My Heart

Does that look ok to you?

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Parents And Children

Last night I was watching episode five of season three of the TV show Halt and Catch Fire. It featured yet another young man yelling at his dad for not being around enough decades earlier.

It seems like most movies and TV shows about fathers and sons show the sons resenting their dads for not spending enough time with them when they were growing up.

I don’t think I know anyone like this. I don’t think I know anyone who wishes that their parents spent more time with them. It certainly never occurred to me as a kid nor as an adult reflecting on my childhood that I yearned for more quality time with my parents. I never wanted them to attend my athletic events or my school performances or spend more time with me in general. I don’t remember resenting my father for being on the road. I was proud of him for his influential role in the church. I was proud that he was living his dreams and affecting hundreds of lives. I always thought he was a great man. It never would have occurred to me to distract my dad from his mission by playing some stupid game with me. I had friends to play with.

From about age six on, I was free to roam. I’d leave the house after breakfast and wander freely (or go to school starting in second grade at age eight) until I got hungry for lunch. Then I’d eat and wander again until I was either hungry or it was dark outside. And look how I turned out.

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Falling In Love

I fall in love way too easily, way too quickly, and way too intensely. I’m an easy target for mockery because I can’t help wearing my feelings on my sleeve.

I’ve had long stretches of my life feeling helpless, feeling small in a big world, and feeling in desperate need of rescue. And I’ve had equally long stretches of feeling masterful and grandiose.

My life has bounced from crisis to crisis.

Half of the people I’ve fallen in love with have been guys. I don’t want to have sex with them. I don’t want to be gay. I don’t want romance with them. I don’t want to hug them. I just like hanging out. I just like learning from them how to be human.

I naturally adore some guys and some gals. It’s like a fever. I can fall in love with a man or a woman without wanting to be romantic or sexual. There’s just something in my autonomic nervous system that gets activated and I feel high in the presence of certain people. (Every rabbi I’ve ever wanted to devote myself to has turned out to be a scam artist.) I feel myself slipping into worship and emulation mode. It’s beyond my rational processes. It’s beyond my cognition. It’s beyond my control. I just want to make other people my higher power. I feel like they can fix me. I feel like they are just what the doctor ordered. I put them on a pedestal. Sometimes this adoration lasts for decades. At other times, it is destroyed in five seconds never to return (such as when the person demeans me).

Like other narcissists, before recovery, I tended to put people one up on me or one down. I naturally tended to idealizing and devaluing people (including myself).

I think these are symptoms of love addiction. It’s not just about sex, you know.

When I make God my higher power, and seek to live a life of service to others, these fevers hit me less often and less intensely. I have less need to make other people my higher power.

On a psychological level, I think this is about attachment. Spending most of my first five years in foster care, I grew up with anxious attachment. I naturally obsessed about my attachment to people I cared about and whether the attachment was waxing or waning (which usually led to the destruction of the attachment). Through 12-step work, I’ve moved in the direction of secure attachment. I think it has been years since I got up in the middle of the night to see if a person had unfriended me on Facebook.

I want to be more masculine. I want to live in reality more than fantasy.

“I’d hate to see you waste your whole life in delusion,” said my long-time therapist. Another therapist said he’d hate to see me end up as the guy on a bar stool talking about what a success he could have been.

The more serene I feel in daily life, the less need I feel to escape through fantasy. I’m sure there are healthy forms of falling in love. I look forward to living them.

I remember in grade school there were times when the cool kids would bring me into their circle. Often, a great kid would befriend me and my life would dramatically improve. “I’ve finally gotten things figured out,” I’d say to myself. And then the kid would die or one of us would move, and I would be left once again outside the winners circle. I’d loved living on borrowed functioning but it never lasted. It can’t.

There are lots of parts of human connection that don’t come naturally to me. So I love it when other shlep me along into the world of normality.

I think part of my sports addiction comes out of my need to love, to worship, and to feel excited. The more together my life is, the less dramatic of a role sports fandom plays for me. There were some years, such as 2007, when the success of the Dallas Cowboys felt like the greatest thing in my life (and then in January of 2008, they were knocked out of the playoffs by the New York Giants, who went on to win the Super Bowl).

This is the home I grew up in on Currans Road in Cooranbong, Australia. I lived there a bit in my first four years and constantly from age 6 to 11.

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Empathy Vs Ego

I remember training in a field where one teacher (alone among all the teachers) was not particularly interested in teaching us. He was a superstar in the field, and he would show up late 95% of the time, and when he did show up, he’d often be on his phone and he usually wanted to talk about anything but the subject at hand (he particularly enjoyed discussing religion and politics, areas in which he had little expertise but very strong feelings). He was not afraid to reveal a lack of interest in various parts of the curriculum. He had no interest in following the rules (which forbade discussing sex, politics and religion). He usually didn’t care about teaching us beyond a narrow ritual which he repeated over and over. That said, he was an amazing teacher, even at times, my favorite teacher. I dug his rebellious attitude. When he was around, I was never the most inappropriate person in the room. He might even be the greatest at what he did in the world, but his lack of drive for working with us was all too apparent. He just didn’t give a damn beyond the minimum he had to do to get a paycheck. He had bigger fish to fry. He worked with celebrities. He had dreams. He had problems. He had other things that concerned him far more than teaching us.

Needless to say, he wasn’t a happy man.

I know a lot of writers who teach and many of them, perhaps most of them, teach primarily to make a living and not to be of service. They generally hate teaching. They resent it for taking up the time and energy they would rather devote to other things, such as their own writing. These resentful guys (usually men) don’t tend to make great teachers. They see their pupils as a necessary evil at best. We are in the way of their dreams and we know it. These teachers are the opposite of someone like Terrie Silverman, a great writing teacher in Los Angeles who wants to be of service to her students.

Work has long posed a challenge to me. I don’t tend to like it. I usually find it annoying. It rarely serves the parts of me that I want to unleash. My natural tendency is to be all about me (at work and off work). My natural tendency is not to live in service to others. At age 45 however, I realized once again that my approach to life was not working, that religion wasn’t fixing me, that therapy wasn’t fixing me, and the only substantial relief I got from my depression was going to 12-step programs which taught that the only path out of addiction was a life of service to others.

My natural approach to work is to seek as much money as possible for doing as little as possible and in the tension between those two ends, I’ve usually been willing to sacrifice earning for ease. I naturally incline to using work to try to get as much attention for myself as possible and to live out my habits of sexual and romantic obsession. Surprisingly, this has not led me to success.

The times that I naturally succeeded at work prior to recovery were when my ego fit the demands of the job and my inclinations pushed in the direction of achievement and earning. In other words, when I was writing for a living, my ego oft wanted to dazzle my readers. This drive led me to some success (I was able to make a living as a writer from 1997 to 2007 and partially live from writing through 2012) but I was limited by my limited desire to be of service to my readers (and to various sponsors and employers) and my life remained small. At other jobs, when I loved my boss, I naturally inclined, at least some of the time, to working hard to make him happy.

Under-earning is a disease of hiding and biting. Just as a wounded animal wants to go hide and will bite anyone who tries to bring him into the light, so too under-earners squander our talents and live in vagueness and fantasy.

I remember this tedious landscaping job I had in the summer of 1985. For the first three days, I hated my job. On the fourth day, I felt seen by this client Doug Hanzlick and my love for this man and for his family inspired my landscaping work over the next three years. Because of my love, I felt joy coming to work, particularly when it offered me the opportunity to cross paths with a Hanzlick. Such a classy family. I wanted them to adopt me.

Most jobs I’ve held, by contrast, have not been like that. I come to work and I don’t get enough attention and I have to choose between my ego and my empathy for my employer. The more I devote myself to serving my employer’s needs, the less room I have to indulge my basic instincts. If I want to live up to being my employer’s representative, then there are all sorts of behaviors and verbal play that I cannot indulge in at the workplace. I don’t naturally incline to service, but I do best at work when I do that very thing that doesn’t come naturally.

It seems to me that with the exception of those times when following the ego is in alignment with one’s source of income, that the more ego you have at work, the less interest you have in serving your employer. By contrast, the more interested you are in being of service at work, the less ego you have.

When you take the 12-steps seriously, you see that not only are you a servant of your employer, but you are a servant of God (and not just at work, but throughout your life). According to the Big Book, there should be no difference between the way you treat your employer and the way you treat God. No matter the job, in the 12-step approach, you are working for God. So there’s no room for indulgent ego. There’s no room for disregarding the feelings and needs of others. You are a servant of the Master of the Universe.

Over the past couple of years, the space between serving my clients and serving God has narrowed. On many days, there is no difference between the way I treat clients and the way I treat God. On other days, my ego pushes in and I start doing things that I want to do that are not in my clients’ interests. Luckily, I have various 12-step programs that enable me to reset myself. Every time I go to a meeting or study 12-step literature or talk with my sponsor, it is a little bit of a shock because my natural tendency is not to live a life of service. Unfortunately for my ego, any other way of life leads to my destruction. I either live in service to others or I screw up. When I’m constantly colliding with other people, I know I’ve gotten out of alignment with my highest purpose in life (to be of service to others). On the other hand, when I see myself living a life of service, I furrow my brow and think, “Who is this guy? I hardly recognize him. He seems so happy.”

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‘I can ‘do Jewish’ on just $40,000 a year’

A married father of four writes:

We reviewed this short list of items and my advisor said, “You realize the greatest expense to your life is your religion. It is consuming over half of your post tax take home pay. You are paying almost $150,000 a year to ‘do Jewish.’”

And that’s when I realized I had forgotten to include Passover on the list.

This was the wakeup call of the century for me. I was raised to believe that religion came first; that everything was ‘holy’ and a ‘mitzvah’; that the more you spent on your Judaism the better it was in God’s eyes. And I now realized I had been completely neglecting the financial health and future of my family.

The first thing I did was to ask around how other people were managing it. Word on the street was that to do everything on my list in a “second tier” community, not something in the greater New York area, one would have to earn more than $500,000 a year. Now I work very hard and I do pretty well, but I will most likely never make half a million dollars a year. Granted, some people in the community do, but not many.

What I saw was far more people who were – if they were willing to admit it – getting steady monthly checks from their parents to survive. Adult children 50 years old still living off handouts from their parents in order to “do Jewish.” Some parents had large fortunes and were easily able to afford to help several adult children, but some were slowly being bled dry. I had one grandmother tell me, “It’s wrong that the day schools are now trying to fund themselves off the backs of the grandparents, now that they have already broken the parents.”

Even more concerning, were the large number of families, doctors, lawyers, investment professionals, who, when asked in confidence, replied that they don’t have two pennies to rub together. And that was before their children were setting off to years in Israel and very expensive college in New York.

The day I left the synagogue forever was the Saturday the rabbi preached that day school tuition does not fulfill the obligation to give 10 percent of one’s income to charity — and that from a rabbi making $350,000 a year, along with free tuition, free housing, and free food expenses. As I angrily began to walk out of there for the last time, my neighbor grabbed my tallis and told me “The day the rabbis pay full tuition is the day that the tuition crisis will be solved.”

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Vanity Fair Editor Who Pretended To Be Jewish Steps Down

Why would anyone pretend to be Jewish? Because Jews dominate certain parts of American cultural life, such as publishing. Jews occupy the high ground. Someone who wants to make it has an incentive to pass as Jewish or even to convert formally to Judaism.

JTA:

In 2000, the New York Magazine revealed that Carter for years had pretended to be Jewish during the 1970s.

A friend of Carter’s, Craig Walls, recalled one time when Carter told other journalists and writers at a party that his mother “would kill” him for eating pork. Asked why, he said: “Because I’m Jewish,” Walls recalled. Carter confirmed to the New York Magazine that he had pretended to be Jewish.

“I was reading a lot of Kerouac and a lot of Ginsberg,” Carter told New York Magazine. ”And I thought, If you’re going to be an intellectual in New York, you’ve got to be Jewish. It wasn’t some experiment, like Gentleman’s Agreement, or anything like that. It was just … I thought … I just found it… I don’t know. It was so much more exotic than what I really was.”

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Forward: ‘The Radical Class Divide In My Modern Orthodox High School’

Yehuda emails: Read the article, especially the following paragraph.

“Even years later, it’s hard to tease out class as one factor in that tangle of clashing cultures and religious dogma, that whole psychosocial mess. But Modern Orthodoxy is a moneyed enterprise in its very tenets: it’s premised on a 50s middle class American Dream, a nuclear family lifestyle in the suburbs with a house and a car, white-collar professional jobs for the parents and an expensive college education for the children, all seamlessly meshing with measured religious observance. Capitalist success was always what we were being trained for. They never offered us any alternative models for achievement. I didn’t learn about the long tradition of Jewish activism, for example, from European anarchism to the Southern civil rights movement, until well after I left.”

Then read the byline at the bottom: “Caty Simon is an activist, dilettante, and writer in Western Massachusetts. She co-edits Tits and Sass, a blog by and for sex workers.”

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LGBT Americans Are Disproportionately Jewish

Forward: “While only 2% of Americans are Jewish, the study found that 6% of LGBT Americans identify as Jews. Nearly half (46%) of LGBT Americans are religiously unaffiliated, roughly twice the American average of 24%.”

There seem to be a lot of Jewish gays.

Charles writes:

Do some ethnic groups have more homosexuals than other ethnic groups?
Of course not everyone will agree with him on the issue of homosexuals being “smarter” than those of us who are straight. I suspect they are slightly higher on the verbal and social abilities. I also do suspect that some ethnic groups might have slightly higher proportion, but it’s not like I know if that is so.
(I notice an unusual number of bisexual Jews in the film industry for example.)

Ray Sawhill: “The sorts of gay guys who succeed in the culture world — who manage to keep their heads above water, and maybe even rise, in fields like the media, fashion, theater, etc — are often impressively talented and bright. They’re often lots of dizzying fun to be around too. They can make a lot of straight people look really dull. After 35 years in NYC, I can testify that warmth, exuberance, brains, humor, charisma and drive aren’t in short supply among Jews.”

Charles: “I met a very flamboyant Jewish guy on set a few days ago. Just thinking about how he seemed to master the crowd after hours. It’s made me consider the differences in social power.”

Adam: “Gay men seem great at having intense knowledge In specific interests but very poor generalised knowledge, systematic understanding or analysis of linkages and cause and effect relationships.”

Chaim Amalek: “This is why God wants us inside the Torah Corral, where the only people we can harm are ourselves, and our rebbes keep a vigilant eye on us all to make sure there is no buggery going on.”

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LAT: ESPN’s Sergio Dipp posts a heartfelt video after his awkward debut as a ‘Monday Night Football’ sideline reporter

The announcers for last night’s Chargers-Broncos game were the worst I’ve experienced.

I came home after a hard day. I just wanted to watch some football and relax but these guys were awful. It sounded like ESPN was using a tranny to do the play by play but it turned out to be even worse than I expected — a woman. I don’t want women narrating my football games.

Chuck Schilken from the Los Angeles Times writes:

Sergio Dipp became an instant star Monday night with a memorably awkward sideline report during ESPN’s broadcast of the Chargers’ game against the Denver Broncos.

Early the next morning, however, Dipp showed why he was given the “Monday Night Football” gig in the first place, by giving a heartfelt statement about the experience in a video that he posted on Twitter.

“It’s been a couple of hours now, trying to digest what just happened to a 29-year-old Mexican guy like me,” Dipp said in the video. “It’s 9/11, I’m in Denver, Colo., and this is the NFL, a ‘Monday Night Football’ game between the Broncos and the Chargers, the biggest stage possible. I was starting my elementary school Sept. 11, 2001, in Caliexico, Calif., born in Mexicali, Baha California, but growing up in the American environment as a minority — a minority like head coaches Vance Joseph [of the Broncos] and Anthony Lynn [of the Chargers].

Who is Chuck Schilken? Well, this is the picture he uses for his profile:

That’s one scary dude.

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Nitzavim & Vayelech (Deut 29-31)

This week has a double parasha — Nitzavim and Vayelech. The Sociology of the Ayn Rand Cult“), Susan Sontag (see Terry Castle’s hilarious 2005 article “Desperately Seeking Susan“), and Leo Strauss (see the unintentionally hilarious 2003 article “What Leo Strauss Was Up To” by two true believers, William Kristol and Steven Lenzer).

Kristol, who seems like a non-wacko on TV, and Lenzer wrote in the normally level-headed Public Interest about how only Strauss possessed the secret decoder ring to understand what the great philosophers of the past actually meant.

* I’ve been fired/ejected 109 times but it was never my fault. An effective meme for critics of Jews.

* What kind of people are looting in FL right now?

* Sivan Zakai writes: “It is not enough for contemporary American-Jewish children to know that white supremacy and neo-Nazism are gaining traction in the United States, yet these are the very bits of information that kids are most likely to pick up on their own. Kids will need help to understand the context around this information: Who are white supremacists? How and why are racial minorities, Jews and others their targets? Most important, kids need to understand what is being done to counter hateful speech and actions, and who is and can be involved in this work, including the children themselves.”

* Peter Beinart writes:

The One Thing Jews Should Be Doing To Combat White Supremacy

What did you feel when you heard the neo-Nazis in Charlottesville, Virginia, chant, “Jews will not replace us?” Fear, of course. Bewilderment, perhaps anger. But I bet a lot of Jews felt another emotion, which they’re less likely to articulate in public: snobbery. “Replace you? Where, behind the counter at Wendy’s? We’re successful, industrious, upper-middle class. You’re the dregs of society. Replace you? Don’t kid yourselves. When it comes to America’s class hierarchy, we replaced you and your kind long ago.”

Today’s anti-Semitism isn’t like the anti-Semitism of 100 or even 50 years ago. Overwhelmingly, it comes not from society’s winners but from its losers. Jews no longer press their noses against the gates of restrictive country clubs, Ivy League universities or white shoe law firms. Jews no longer yearn to be accepted by America’s elite WASP families. We already are. The man who currently occupies the White House watched with satisfaction as his eldest daughter became an Orthodox Jew. The woman he defeated watched happily as her daughter got married under a chuppah.

Today’s anti-Semitism emanates less from society’s elites than from the people who feel victimized by them. This doesn’t mean the new anti-Semitism isn’t dangerous. It doesn’t mean Jews shouldn’t respond with outrage and mobilization. But it does mean that, if only to protect ourselves, we must combat the economic and cultural dysfunction that is contributing to neo-Nazism’s rise.

Jews also have rules about contamination but I’ve never heard of us beating people up over them.

* Steve Sailer wrote in 2006:

That somebody as seemingly hard-headed as Greenspan should have spent much of his adult life in the Rand cult is striking.

My reader continues:

Jews, unfortunately, are also likely to have a persecution complex (I know that nearly every one of them — including me — that I’ve ever met has one to some degree). And in most cases they have them for historically valid reasons — our persecutions have been regular and consistent. Sadly, however, this means that any discussion of the role that Jews have played in the history of the past three centuries is often seen as an attack. If Jews are seen as too influential, the theory goes, it will bring the hammer down like some cosmic game of whack-a-mole.

The obvious question then is whether being shielded from objective analysis in the media is good for the Jews. Unfortunately, getting yourself deemed above criticism is the surest way to lower one’s performance.

For Americans as a whole, understanding Jewish tendencies is both more complicated and, perhaps at this point in history, more important than understanding those of any other ethnic group.

In their 1995 book Jews and the New American Scene, the prominent social scientist Seymour Martin Lipset, a Senior Scholar of the Wilstein Institute for Jewish Policy Studies, and Earl Raab, Director of the Perlmutter Institute for Jewish Advocacy at Brandeis University, pointed out:

“During the last three decades, Jews have made up 50% of the top two hundred intellectuals, 40 percent of American Nobel Prize Winners in science and economics, 20 percent of professors at the leading universities, 21 percent of high level civil servants, 40 percent of partners in the leading law firms in New York and Washington, 26% of the reporters, editors, and executives of the major print and broadcast media, 59 percent of the directors, writers, and producers of the fifty top-grossing motion pictures from 1965 to 1982, and 58 percent of directors, writers, and producers in two or more primetime television series.” [pp 26-27]

The last thing, however, that non-Jews are allowed to do in the U.S. is to objectively discuss the kind of psychological and sociological patterns that help explain why the quality of Jewish political and social decision-making has, on average, not always been as strong as their IQs, work ethic, argumentative skills, interest in public affairs, and self-confidence in their own judgment might suggest. The first President Bush understood this, but the second didn’t seem to have learned this lesson before the Iraq Attaq (although he seems to have learned a little in the aftermath, with Feith gone, Wolfowitz kicked upstairs, and Perle out of fashion).

What are some of these common self-debilitating Jewish tendencies? Off the top of my head, I’d suggest:

– Utopianism: Bombing Iraq into an America-loving democracy is only the latest disastrous project

– Cult-Worship- of- the-All-Knowing-Scholar-Sageism: Marxism, Freudianism, Randism, Straussianism, etc.

– Ethnocentric nostalgiaism: vividly seen in the current immigration debate, where Ellis Island-worship is substituted for facts and logic

– Be-Like-Meism: e.g., the common suggestion by Jewish pundits that all Mexican illegal immigrants have to do is act like the Jewish immigrants of 1906 and everything will turn out fine. Well, swell …

– Pseudo ethnic Humilityism: few Jews actually believe that Mexicans are just like Jews — they think Jews are much smarter — but they don’t want anybody else to notice that Jews are smarter so they advocate immigration policies that depend for their success upon Mexicans being just as smart as Jews. That this immigration policy is obviously bad for the country is less important than keeping up the charade that nobody mentions in the press that Jews are smarter than everybody else on average.

– Rube Goldbergism: overly complicated plans and analyses with too many moving parts to work reliably (e.g., the neocon plans for fixing the Middle East through invasion)

– Is-It-Good-for-the-Jewsism: I am a huge fan of enlightened self-interest, so I don’t object to this on principle

– Rube Goldbergian Is-It-Good-for-the-Jewsism: This could also be called He-Who-Says-A-Must-Say-B-C-D-E-Q-W-and-Zism. Jewish intellectuals have a tendency that on any topic related to Jews, they tend to think baroquely many steps down the line. Thus, the full panoply of the subjects that have been assumed to be bad-for-the-Jews and therefore ruled out of discussion in polite society is breathtakingly broad — for example, IQ has been driven out of the media in large part because it is feared that mentioning that Jews have higher average IQs would lead, many steps down the line, to pogroms.

– Missing-Piece-of-the-Puzzleism: One obvious problem with this tendency is that you can’t make a Rube Goldberg analysis work in the real world if you’ve banned the use of crucial moving parts, such as IQ

– Pay-No-Attention-to-that-Man-Behind-the-Curtainism: The biggest unmentionable, as the Mearsheimer-Walt brouhaha demonstrated once again, is also one of the biggest pieces of the puzzle for understanding how the modern world works: the influence of Jews.

– Enemy Nostalgiaism: Difficulty identifying current and future enemies because of emotional obsession with past enemies: e.g., the obsession with “The Passion of the Christ” combined with the inability to identify growing Latin American populism as a future threat due to immigration, etc.

– Faux Sabraism: as Francis Fukuyama pointed out to Charles Krauthammer, American neocon thinking about Iraq was motivated less by hardheaded is-it-good-for-Israel analysis — Sharon’s government was only modestly enthusiastic about the Iraq Attaq — than by What-Would-the-Israelis-Do emotions. Armchair warriors like Douglas Feith are particular susceptible to this kind of Let’s Pretend thinking..

Ironically, Jewish writers themselves are obsessed with Jewish influence, even in fields where Jews have virtually no influence, such as soccer.

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