Last night I felt compelled to rise from my sickbed and rant into the void about shul etiquette. Due to the importance of the topic, I’ve decided to make these videos available to shuls around the world to educate Jews on proper synagogue behavior. For instance, it is not appropriate to chew gum in shul on Shabbos.
I’ve learned a lot during my 15 years in Jewish life. Here are some commonsensical dos and donts that if followed will guarantee you maftir (unless you bleed or you’re a shiksa or shaygetz) and a place in the world to come:
* Do not have sex on top of Torah scrolls.
* Do not have sex in the synagogue parking lot, even if you’re in your car.
* Do not lug your laptop into shul on Shabbos.
* Shabbos morning, try to arrive in shul before the sh’ma. Don’t let musaf be the first thing you hear when you get to shul.
* Turn off your cell phone.
* Don’t write in shul on Shabbos.
* Don’t come to shul on Shabbos in jeans or casual clothing. Women, cover your feet. I find it distracting when I am trying to get closer to God and I look over the mehitza and I see a woman’s bare feet.
* Don’t interrupt the speaker with your brilliant insights into the Torah portion.
* If the speaker asks you to turn off your tape recorder, turn it off.
* Do not try to borrow money from Dennis Prager on Shabbos.
* Do not hand out copies of your porn movie. I remember one learned Jew responding to me in the Spring of 1996 after I lent him a copy of my epic What Women Want: "In New York when I go to shul, they give me a tallis. In LA, they give me a porno."
* Do not take your E.D. medication prior to coming to shul or before operating heavy machinery.
