Luke Ford

From FrumSatire:

Women in the frum community are judged by many things, how well they can make a kugel, how many children they can have while they are still teenagers, how fast they can roll one of those huge strollers, to shull on shabbos morning or to the last industrial sized can of chrayonaise at the kollel store or even how rude they can be while triple parking on Coney Island Avenue, but there is no way better to judge frum women then by her hair covering or lack of it- in which case she may be considered a member of the tribe in some communities and a heretic in others. The frummer the women is the less hair shows, in the frummest circles they decided to get rid of this problem by shaving their heads and giving them the Pakistani cab driver look with the use of turbans. These ultra frummies have eradicated hair from their heads, synthetic hair and real hair is gone, I have no idea if they shave their other hair- but I wont go there, judging from the way they smell when you get within 10 feet of them- I am confident that no one reading this blog will ever venture down below in the underground world of Hasidic pubic hair customs.

 

I have wondered a lot about the whole turban concept, especially how they stay upright in the rain. Do they make them with Teflon coating so that they are water resistant, or do they have windproof fleece liners to keep the cold out- since hair usually acts as a natural cold weather protector. Do the settlers in Israel have bullet proof turbans made out of Kevlar? Why don’t I ever see the shaved head ladies wearing shower caps in the rain, they are way more comfy and they are very good when running and we know how much frummies love to run everywhere.

From FrumSatire:

Charedi– You are clutching a stone in your hand while screaming shabbos at the top of your lungs on shimon hatzadik street at kikar shabbos. The first movie you saw was ushpizim, your bakery has separate lines for men and women. The women in Saudi Arabia are treated better then in your neighborhood. You cross the street and avoiud eye contact with any women. You have friends that are part of the Niturei Carta. You think all gays should be burned at the stake. Boro Park and Lakewood is for the modern orthodox.

Modern Chasidish– You have a blog and a frumster account and regularly check up on your yeshivish friends on only simchas who are getting married. You secretly have the internet and let your children see Lipa Shmeltzer movies once in a while. TV is still assur even though you have one behind the mirror in your bedroom that you smuggled into your house in an air conditioner box. You don’t cross the street when you see women and sometimes may look them in the eye if it’s for business. You drive the same cars as other Chasidim but secretly long for a sports car. Your wife may own a real sheitle and not always wear those stupid looking hats, she might even let her hair grow in a little bit.

Flexidish– You post ads on craigslist looking for other Chasidism to partake in a gang bang or for frum married women looking for same. You have a blog devoted to bashing Chasidim but, you retain your identity through your garb as one of them. You go to strip clubs, you cheat in money matters, you know every free porn site on the net. You have the internet, you have a TV and you watch movies. You may even eat non chasidishe shechite like or gasp Lubavitch shechite. You do not keep kosher or shabbos but still consider yourself frum since you have the look!

Modern Orthodox Liberal– You tend to wear pants, not plan on covering your hair and the mikvah sounds like a nightmare. Guys tend to wear baseball caps and no set type of yarmulke. You commonly refer to yourself as open minded. Kosher in the house, but in Cancun you may be hungry and eat a tuna sandwich or salad out. Tznius is un-womanly, and prohibitive in your mind. There is absolutely nothing wrong with all sorts of entertainment live and un-live. Even a bachelor party with strippers is fine. Jewish music makes your grind your teeth and a mechitza at a wedding pisses you off, mixed dancing tends to be ok. But this is a big category so no making judgments. You tend to be democrats and bush haters. You went to an Ivy league school and went on to persue your masters. You went to any number of schools for high school. Ramaz, local coed Hebrew academy, Yeshiva Flatbush, Frisch, of which you consider to be yeshiva. Tefilin dates are not unheard of, and you call the upper Westside home if you are single. Rabbi Berman and Avi Weiss are your halachic authorities and many a time you will banish certain things as being for the ultra-orthodox. You read the Jewish Week and hang out in Barnes and Nobles on Friday night after dinner. Shull on shabbos is normal but other days is another story.

Carlebachian– Dreads, long hair, nose rings, 420, learning kabbalah and anything Breslov, moshav moddiin, The Dead, Moshav Band, long flowy flower dresses, no makeup, big white wrap around pants, tichalis in your tzitzis, rainbow yarmulkes, tapestries adorn your walls and your succah. Spiritual and crazy at the same time. You tend to want to live in Israel, Boulder- Colorado or Sedona-Arizona. Things like Rainbow gatherings, burning man festival, phish shows, and the gefilte fish crew make your stomach warm and fuzzy. You tend to be from modern orthodox homes and somehow in Israel wind up spending a shabbos in Bat Ayin or Mashav Modiin and you are love stricken with all the dread locks and free weed and learning of chassidus. You tend to be a cross between a Breslover and a Lubavitcher with a little Alan Ginsburg thrown in the mix. You tend to keep halacha mostly besides hugging the opposite sex and drugs.

Conservadox– You are conservative but do not support the recent decision to ordain gay rabbis. You keep a kosher home, you eat Hebrew National, you probably eat milk and veggie out of the house. Your shull has no mechitza but every one sits separately. You speak Yiddish and half a bunch of orthodox relatives. You grew up religious but drifted away. Your children will probably intermarry and will either love or hate you and your old school ways. You vote Democratic unless you are from the south. You look at the ingredients to decide if its kosher. Ratners and 2nd avenue deli bring back fond childhood memories.

Flexidox– One week you are frum the next you are seen at McDonalds eating a cheeseburger. You were one of those kids who was labeled as a kid at risk by the 1996 Jewish Observer article. You used to be a big fan of Metallica and hang out on avenue J in Flatbush trying to pick up girls. You have your highs and lows, you may attend those shmuzim given by Rabbi Shafier from theshmuz.com to get inspired. You tend to have only Jewish friends and go to Jewish parties. Kosher meat is anything with split hooves and chewing of cud. Keeping kosher is hard in New York for you. Modern orthodoxy is against the way you were brought up. You are a product of priority one and Niveh or Ner Jake. Oxy cotton and zanax are all the rage. You play a lot of online poker and tend to download tons of movies.

612 Mitzvahdox 612er for short– You are frum, you go to shachris, you learn every day bchavrusa, and you keep 100% kosher. You tend to wear a yarmulke wherever you go and rarely watch movies or TV. You just can’t give up sexual contact with the opposite sex. You love sex and you have tons of it. I know tons of people like this by the way. They are frum yidden besides for active sex lives. You know tefilin dates. What’s a guy/girl to do?

Homodox
You admire Isaac Mizrahi, You have no intention of marriage. For a bachelor, you have a really clean apartment! You admire “Rabbi” Steve Goldstein. Your favorite film is “Trembling Before G-D” You’re having an online betting on when YCT will follow JTS’s lead and become inclusive to gays. Your favorite director is Eytan Fox. You took your mother to “Fiddler on the Roof” on Broadway because you admire Harvey Fierstein. You were disappointed he played Tevye, not Goldie. You place ads on craigslist looking for “hot YU guys” and you know how to cook and talk about wine. You love queer eye for the straight guy and wish that sex in the city was with guy characters. Got this idea from the maze artist