I Woke Up Screaming

Posted on June 29, 2008 by Luke Ford

I went to sleep shortly before 1 a.m. (thinking that I should extend myself to people in my religious community) and then woke up screaming from a nightmare at 1:11 a.m.

I dreamed I had a partially enclosed barn aka guest house. I slept there peacefully at night in the open air. My cute girlfriend Sarah* would visit me there and hug me.

Then some things went wrong. I had to leave in the evenings. I would bike away and come back and sleep.

I overcame some fierce obstacles.

I came back to sleep one night. Sarah came to me and hugged me.

I was threatened with death. I screamed.

A man drove up in a pick-up.

He was an ugly man. He had long hair and few teeth.

He looked like a hobo.

He was on a cell phone.

"They are right here," he said.

He said a few more words.

He got instructions.

He got off the phone.

He pulled out two drums from his pick-up.

"Did you call the police?" asked Sarah.

"Yeah, I made the call," he said.

Then he started spraying us with oil from the drums. He lit a match. As he prepared to throw the match on us covered in oil, I pushed Sarah over the fence and screamed to her to run away.

The man advanced on me with the match.

I screamed and screamed.

I woke up screaming.

 

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The Puppy Dog Look

Posted on June 28, 2008 by Luke Ford

When a woman loves me, I can tell by the puppy dog look on her face.

She turns to me in a special way and her face lights up when I look at her.

I probably give off the same bewitched expression when I’m entranced.

It’s hard to control your expression and your voice. I like to think of myself as disciplined, yet my heart always gives me away.

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I Learn To Pray Again

Posted on June 28, 2008 by Luke Ford

I’d pretty much given up on my ability to pray in shul.

It just seemed so lifeless.

Then I returned to the Happy Minyan and learned to pray again.

I feel myself opening up to God there in a way that doesn’t happen for me anywhere else.

David Sacks’s Torah also helps. He teaches a class starting at 8:30 a.m. Saturdays.

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‘Many Non-Jews Regard This Psalm As Sacred’

Posted on June 28, 2008 by Luke Ford

During the third meal of the Sabbath (when the sun is going down Saturday evening), traditional Jews sing the 23rd Psalm in Hebrew (along with Yedid Nefesh and the Grace After Meals).

Now picture an Orthodox shul where everyone’s enjoying their meal and their conversation.

The rabbis starts the singing of the psalm. Half the crowd follows along but the louder half carry on with their chats.

The rabbi calls halt and asks everyone to sing. "Many non-Jews regard this psalm as sacred," he says.

Herman Wouk writes in his book The Will to Live On about inviting a Christian Bible scholar along to morning prayers and how he was horrified about how the Jews were rattling off the psalms with the least grace and dignity.

Dennis Prager tells of bringing a non-Jewish friend temple.

After 45 minutes, the goy asks him, "When do services begin?"

Dennis tried to explain that they’d been going on for almost an hour.

The more religious the Jews, the more they talk in shul (because they’re spent so much time in shul over their life and know the prayers backwards and forwards, that they regard shul as their second home and they talk).

John Updike writes that Christians regard belief in God as an either or proposition while for Jews, familiarity (being the Chosen People) breeds contempt.

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Erectile dysfunction and the plight of the homeless blogger

Posted on June 28, 2008 by Luke Ford

Brother can you spare a Viagra?

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Luke Ford’s Sad Decline

Posted on June 28, 2008 by Luke Ford

Concerned writes: The sad decline of Luke Ford is irrefutable. That once boyish, blogger about town has deteriorated to a decrepit shut-in.

See the photographic evidence below.


Is it time for an social services to intervene? Who will save Luke from Luke?

 Joe:  You do not look well.  I am sorry, but you do not.  This is not what a 42 year old vegan should look like.
 Luzdedos1:  lol
 Joe:  Have you applied for food stamps?
 Luzdedos1:  lol
 Joe:  You should qualify.
 Joe:  If I saw you on the street I do not think I would have recognized you.  Perhaps I would have given you some coins.
 Luzdedos1:  lol
 Luzdedos1:  enough about me, how r u?
 Joe:  I am well.  It’s summer vacaton.  I may come down in a few weeks, but don’t change the subject.  Your health.  How is it?
 Luzdedos1:  it’s ok, getting acupuncture 2x a week
 Joe:  That’s a sham.  I tried it. 
 Joe:  Is this for you ED problem?  Where do they stick those needles?
 Luzdedos1:  It works for me. Just look at me.
 Luzdedos1:  For my chronic fatigue and my blogger elbow.
 Joe:  If they used your current photo in an as the FDA would send all acupunturists packing!
 Luzdedos1:  People said these same things to Jesus Christ!
 Joe:  Did you grow that beard to avoid oral on the ladies?  Be honest.
 Luzdedos1:  and the Waco guy
 Joe:  You look like the unabomber only chubbier.
 Joe:  If you did a PETA commercial looking like that red meat sales would surge.  Do you exercise at all?
 Luzdedos1:  yes, mild walking
 Joe:  Pushing the van no doubt.  How about the love life.  Details!
 Joe:  How you ever got laid in that sleeping bag is a mystery to me.  That is a book worthy topic.
 Luzdedos1:  How do you like being married?
 Joe:  Talked to Kevin Blatt about the Mini-Me sex tape?  That fore tells the end of days for sure
 Luzdedos1:  I’ve moved on from that world.
 Joe:  Married life is great, but it is WORK.
 Luzdedos1:  ru allowed to look at porn?
 Joe:  Never a female of your own age.  *sigh*  What do you talk about?
 Luzdedos1:  Torah and life
 Joe:  I miss porn.  She does not share this interest
 Joe:  The beard gives you a leprechuan look I can see her attraction.
 Luzdedos1:  Why would i want a woman my own age when i can get a hottie much younger?
 Joe:  Still she does not share your continent
 Joe:  Any books cooking?
 Luzdedos1:  jewish lit
 Joe:  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
 Joe:  You need cross over to make $$$$
 Joe:  "How I Nailed Kendra Jade For Free!"  That’s a tome that’ll sell.
 Joe:  "Beverly Hills on $4 a Day"  That’ll sell
 Joe:  How do you make $$?
 Luzdedos1:  just sold lukeisback for 11k
 Luzdedos1:  i make promo videos for people
 Joe:  Yabba Dabba Doo!
 Joe:  Sounds porny
 Joe:  Good $$ ?
 Luzdedos1:  approaching break even
 Joe:  Good
 Joe:  Avoding 9 to 5.  Well done
 Joe:  It appears from your photos you do not miss many meals so you must be making the sheckles
 Joe:  Take care, my friend.  If I come down which corner of Fairfax do you pan handle on? I’ll bring you a nice refrigerator box to upgrade your shelter. Stay well.

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Hot Lesbian Seminary Sex In ‘The Secrets’

Posted on June 27, 2008 by Luke Ford

Dikla Kadosh writes:

Photo

The secret is out. There is a steamy sexual scene between two gorgeous Israeli women in the film, “The Secrets.”

But the Israeli film, directed by Avi Nesher and spotlighted in this year’s Israel Film Festival, is not only about a lesbian love affair.

The film is much deeper than that.

To be sure, the title “The Secrets” is referring to the intimate bond two young religious girls form while studying at a seminary in Safed. The girls, both under societal and familial pressure to marry and fulfill their role as dutiful mothers and wives, must keep their romantic feelings hidden from the world and much of the film’s drama revolves around the clandestine coupling.

But there are other, more intense secrets in the film.

Like the cause of the main character, Naomi’s mother’s death. The family alludes to an illness and Naomi accuses her father of ignoring her mother’s depression, but the entire subject is seemingly swept under the ultra religious household’s rug.

Then there is the mysterious French woman in Safed who seeks the help of the two young seminary students to obtain redemption for a murder she committed. The terminally ill social outcast reveals a few of her dark secrets during the course of the film, while others remain hidden.

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Who’s Editing Danielle Berrin?

Posted on June 27, 2008 by Luke Ford

Somebody is asleep at the wheel of the Jewish Journal.

Don’t they ever edit their writers?

I like Danielle Berrin. She’s really hot. But she badly needs a strong disciplinary hand.

I find myself paging through the Jewish Journal these days looking for her howlers.

Check out this paragraph from today’s paper: "Edwards’ experience was an unironic echo of the film, and the Orthodox woman a vehemently dissenting voice that cast a dose of reality on an empathetic audience, a minor example of just how uphill this battle will be."

Who is Danielle’s copy editor?

Here are Danielle’s final two paragraphs:

The Israeli government, which has seen its Supreme Court concede turf to the Women of the Wall only to repeal its decision when squeezed by Charedi political parties, appears quite helpless to resolve the swelling religious conflict.

What’s missing in the film — and the movement — is commentary from Torah scholars who might challenge the law, using halacha not to defend but affirm a woman’s place in Jewish religious life.

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The Seventh Python Is A Hit

Posted on June 27, 2008 by Luke Ford

Tabloid Baby reports:

The premiere of The Seventh Python last night at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood was a rousing success for movie subject Neil Innes, Mods & Rockers Film Festival impresario Martin Lewis and our pals at Frozen Pictures who produced the film. And leave it to legendary blogger and Internet journalist Luke Ford to be first out of the gate with a review of the picture:

"A sweet and funny documentary!
The Seventh Python made me
want to stand up and cheer
for a good and funny man!
A must-see for any Monty Python fan!"
–Luke Ford

Chelsea Handler, Mark Hudson and music legend Chris Montez were seen in the crowd, which roared with laughter, applauded with approval and joined in a standing ovation!


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I Don’t Find Hilary Swank Believable When She Tries To Portray A Woman

Posted on June 27, 2008 by Luke Ford

I’m watching PS I Love You.

I find this movie deeply offensive. It’s pornography for women.

It sets them a bad example of this sensitive guy who arranged for his widow to get all these gifts and sensitive notes during the months following his death (from a brain tumor).

I can never see Hilary Swank without thinking of her portrayal of a bloke in the deeply disturbing Boys Don’t Cry.

The only Swank movie that has not bothered me has been the boxing one Million Dollar Baby. I can buy her as a woman who punches people. I just can’t buy her as a woman who loves a man.

I can’t buy Jodie Foster as a heterosexual either.

Nor Tom Cruise.

Nor George Clooney.

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