The Black Balloon

Email: Hello Luke: I’m not really sure you will read this email but I hope you do or at least that the message is passed to you. My name is Madalena, I’m 14 years old and I’m from Portugal. I just really want to congratulate you on your amazing performance as Charlie in The Black Balloon. It is among my favourite films! My mum has an institution for people with autism and other brain diseases like that. I’m kind of used to see and be with people with autism but I never realized how difficult life could be for them and for everybody around them. I think the film passes a really sweet message of love. It must be really hard for Thomas and all the other brothers and sisters around the world. I’m going to be honest: I haven’t watched any other film on which you performed. I’m planning on it but for now I just really wanna say that that role proved your amazing skills as an actor. I wanna be an actress myself. It’s going to be quite difficult because cinema is not very developed here in Portugal so I’m planning to go study to England or the USA. If you have any tips to give me I would love to receive them because I admire you very very much. I wish you good luck in your career and life in general. You’re really talented and I hope I can one day play such a challenging character as Charlie. I would love to talk to you some day so if you ever come to Portugal don’t keep it a secret. Email me if you can. I swear there are almost no paparazzi here. I would love to show you the city and take you to all the places a tour guide won’t.

Posted in Hollywood | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on The Black Balloon

Thanks For Lunch!

I email a friend: "Thank you for lunch! It was delicious, as was your conversation… You look amazing for a woman of your age."

She responds: "Nice neg."

I respond: "I didn’t know you knew about negs…"

She resonds: "I’m amazingly well-read for a woman my age…"

Posted in Personal | Tagged , | Comments Off on Thanks For Lunch!

Jay Sanderson Named New Los Angeles Jewish Federation President

And who among us can honestly say he is immune to the excitement?

I got this breaking news bulletin from the Jewish Journal via email.

Surely this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

Call me naive, but I see a time of harmony and understanding,
Sympathy and trust abounding.
No more falsehoods or derisions.
Golden living dreams of visions,
Mystic crystal revelation,
And the mind’s true liberation.
Aquarius! Aquarius!

Posted in Jewish Federation, Jewish Journal | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Jay Sanderson Named New Los Angeles Jewish Federation President

What Happens When You Give A Woman A Man’s Job

From RealClearPolitics.com:

Speaker Nancy Pelosi: “I have concerns about some of the language that is being used because I saw … I saw this myself in the late ’70s in San Francisco,” Pelosi said, choking up and with tears forming in her eyes. “This kind of rhetoric is just, is really frightening and it created a climate in which we, violence took place and … I wish that we would all, again, curb our enthusiasm in some of the statements that are made."

AUDIO: Rush On Pelosi Getting Emotional: "Tears Of A Clown"

Posted in Politics | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on What Happens When You Give A Woman A Man’s Job

Her Deepest Darkest Fantasy

I have a woman whose deepest darkest fantasy is to see me kiss another woman.

What if she wants me to kiss more than one?

The prospect of making out with a whole string of beautiful young women fills me with horror. It would be the grossest violation of my religious vows.

Khunrum emails: “Luke, let’s face the brutal facts my friend. You’re no longer the young, handsome, trim, rakish lad with the snappy black suit and matinee idol looks. With the “middle aged spread” and beard you resemble a cross between a dissipated Grigori Rasputin and the Unabomber. Where the &@#$! are all these “beautiful” women coming from? I think you’ve finally “flipped your lid” (as we used to say).”

Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Her Deepest Darkest Fantasy

Only Five More Days To Nominate Me For Jewish Community Hero

It’s time to shake up the stuffed shirts and to give some overdue recognition to my prodigious servicing of the Jewish people. Vote now. Vote early. Vote often.

Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Only Five More Days To Nominate Me For Jewish Community Hero

Clueless Jews Campaign To End Hunger In Los Angeles

I’d love to see some evidence that anyone is dying in Los Angeles of malnutrition.

I walk around Pico-Robertson and see all my favorite Orthodox shuls promoting GiveLifeMeaning.org, a campaign to solve a problem that does not exist.

I’ve seen pictures from Ethiopia. I know what starving looks like. I ain’t seen no starving people in LA. Yeah, you see people eating food out of trash cans. That does not mean they’re starving. It means they’re pathetic.

I ate food out of trash cans when I was a kid because I saw yummy desserts that were forbidden to me at home and I’d reach right in and stuff my face with day-old donuts and the like from the trash can behind the Angwin supermarket (and my friends would dive in the trash behind the nearby post office looking for porn).

Why are Jews always getting hysterical about problems that don’t exist while ignoring their most pressing problem — Jewish ignorance of Jewish text? Because it is a lot easier and more exciting to get hysterical about hunger in Los Angeles or global warming or employment rights for the transgendered rather than do the hard work of learning Hebrew and studying Torah.

Nothing in this Los Angeles Times article provides any evidence that anybody in Los Angeles is starving.

I’m starving, but not for food. I’m starving for the type of affection that is forbidden to me by the Torah, but I don’t expect synagogues to put up signs urging women to slake my sinful urges. No, I’ll wait humbly and patiently for my wedding night. That’s how a Torah Jew is supposed to behave, not to go parading around in public raising hysteria about non-existent problems while dressed in women’s clothing and getting all teary-eyed about "marriage equality."

Do you know why there are so many people living on the streets of Pico-Robertson? Because we feed them so well. Because we give them charity. If, instead of giving them money and encouragement, we spat in their faces, we’d have a lot fewer of them.

Preach on that, rabbi!

If you want more of anything, including the homeless, just subsidize and enable.

God bless you and please vote Republican.

Duke Helfand writes:

The activists are asking Jews to volunteer at food banks or pantries, organize neighborhood food drives, or donate food or money to turn Los Angeles into a hunger-free zone.

“L.A. is euphemistically called the hunger capital of America,”  federation President John R. Fishel said during a news conference today outside the agency’s Wilshire Boulevard headquarters. “As we approach Rosh Hashana, [we] felt it was important to take the initiative and address this problem.”

The federation is running the campaign with the Board of Rabbis of Southern California, the Sova Community Food and Resource Program, and Mazon, a Los Angeles group that funds hunger relief agencies in the U.S. and abroad.

The website www.givelifemeaning.org, sponsored by the federation, provides more information about the campaign.

Mel writes: "No one should have to go to bed hungry at the end of the day – i don’t care if they are pathetic or not – they’re still people. and yes, we are starving spiritually for sure."

I go to bed hungry every night. Why don’t I get any sympathy? Why is hunger for food any more worthy a cause than other types of hunger? Why aren’t rabbis preaching about the need to feed me? Why don’t they preach to their young single female congregants, you must minister to this man, this tzaddik in our time, this greatest writer of his generation, this servicer of the Jewish people?

Oy, my feelings are so exquisite, so raw, so transcendent, and yet there’s no campaign to meet my needs. What’s up with that? I roll around on the floor of my hovel begging for scraps from my master’s table, screaming for a few drops of water to cool my fevered brow, and yet solace never arrives. I live beside a banquet and yet I starve.

Posted in Jews, Los Angeles | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Clueless Jews Campaign To End Hunger In Los Angeles

The Obama Doctrine

Joe emails: We have had the Monroe Doctrine, the Truman Doctrine, the Reagan Doctrine, and the Bush Doctrine.

We now have the Obama Doctrine. The Obama Doctrine essentially is that U.S. must, unfortunately, project force. It has to do so without international approval at times. To the extent nations must be upset, because it is necessary to project power, Obama does so in a manner that projects US power, but served with a farmers market organic style side of appeasement. Note that it is not the type of John Kerry/Wilsonian/Global Test B.S. He will project power even without the consent of the whole world and code pink, however, he will only do so if he appeases some other power.

In other words, it is a sort of Harvard Law School style of appeasement strategy hoping to win hearts and minds when history has shown that grabbing the other side by the short hairs is most effective.

Today’s decision to abandon a permanent missile shield over Eastern Europe in favor of some sort of mobile system was based on the appraisal that the danger from long range missiles from Iran was not as severe as the danger from medium range missiles. The question left unanswered is who will be attacking Eastern Europe with medium range missiles?

The decision had much to do with Russia being upset over the projection of US footprint in its backyard of Poland and the Czech Republic. Obama had two choices. Continue to build the US missile shield over Europe because it is absolutely necessary to project US power there and upset Russia and Iran, or, abandon the missile shield in favor of a more mobile less permanent shield and continue to upset Iran by turning the slavic civilization against the muslim civilization but not upsetting Russia.

So, Obama chose to appease Russia. What he gets for this appeasement of an entirely non violent Russia it is entirely unclear. Russia will not intervene on Obama’s behalf with Iran, Russian civilization is of almost no use save for mail order brides. However, Obama cannot help himself, he has an appeasement instinct, kind of like a reverse chase instinct.

Now, apply the Obama doctrine to Israel. There is no greater example of US projection of force into the Levant than the state of Israel with settlements on lands conquered and held due to the primacy of western know how in the way of military superiority, specifically the singular inability of an arab to fly a jet. Obama, contrary to the opinion of the jews at Young Israel of Century City, will not sell Israel down a the river for a plug nickel. If push comes to shove on Iran and Iran obtains nukes and Israel says we will bomb them, look for an announcement by Obama extending America’s nuclear umbrella over the holy land, and at the same time offering to have ACORN train the Palestinians to be nonviolent suicide bombers. However, Obama does not like settlements because it is a projection of US force without a countervailing appeasement.

Unlike his predecessors, Obama believes a freeze must be enforced because of his appeasement instinct. He cannot help himself. The settlements themselves are meaningless, the Jews who live on the settlements will be evicted tout suite by their fellow countrymen if the arabs so much state that they want peace and evidence such intent by stating that for a period of 30 days, no one on official arab media will say the word Jews or Israel and kill/evil/destroy/blood sucking/rip their hearts out in the same sentence. However, the settlements represent a marvelous opportunity for appeasement. Obama knows that the Jews are not hard hearted enough to settle the west bank for keeps, and he knows that there is give on this issue. He can simultaneously appease the Palestinians by sticking it to Israel. What he gets out of it is unclear. In my mind, he gets nothing, as is the case by appeasing the Russians on the missile shield. The Palestinians view the settlements as a marginal issue, as they want major capitulation from the West on Israel. But with Obama, the ends never justify the means, rather, the means justify the ends. Obama and his liberal buddies love the process more than the result. They only want peace in the Middle East if it is through a process involving appeasement.

That has never worked in the Middle East. Peace in the Middle East works when the US is strong without any countervailing power. The problem is that Islamic fundamentalism has replaced the USSR as a countervailing force. So long as US troops are being killed by IEDs in the name of Allah, the Arabs will not make the peace. If Obama wants to win the peace in the middle east, he should conduct the Afghanistan campaign with maximum prejudice, must like the Iraq campaign was conducted under Bush. Use airpower and use mercenaries and shoot to kill. Then the US can impose its terms on the arabs and Israel for peace.

Under the Obama doctrine, the process becomes more important than the purpose. It is as if Obama would critique Joe Montana’s Super Bowl XXIII miracle 3 minute scoring drive by noting that he failed to throw passes to the sidelines to work the clock, as was logical and expected by the Bengals, and risked it by throwing midfield passes. Unless there is some logic, it does not work for Obama. I am all for logic, but if it is tied to appeasement, it is not logical.

Posted in Barack Obama | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on The Obama Doctrine

Rabbi Gershon Bess Vs. Rabbi Yehuda Bukspan

In the mid 1980s, Rabbi Gershon Bess began moving on his plan to reinvigorate the RCC and make it the Beit Din in town. He began moving on his plan to overtake Rabbi Yehuda Bukspan for kashrut supremacy (certifying restaurants, caterers and processed foods in Southern California as kosher).

Rabbi Bess knows he can’t beat out Rabbi Teichman in kashrut as Rabbi Avraham Teichman is with right-wing power Agudath Yisrael.

Rabbi Bess knew he could not take on Rabbi Bukspan directly and win. Instead, he recruited all the main Orthodox pulpit rabbis in town and promised them important roles in the RCC. He sold them on the merits of having one Beit Din for California, one standard for kashrut, a more stringent one than that held by Rabbi Bukspan.

Rabbi Bess’s genius is not in Torah learning but in politics. He recruited all the pulpit rabbis. Rabbi Elazar Muskin at Young Israel of Century City signed on early. Rabbi Muskin, a talmid of the Rav, saw the benefits in unity, in having one Beit Din for California. Though he didn’t get the job as rabbi of Lincoln Square synagogue in Manhattan despite multiple attempts, Rabbi Muskin became the president of the RCC, a position of honor in Orthodox Los Angeles.

Rabbi Steven Weil had no desire to make waves with the RCC. He went along with the RCC. As a humble baal teshuva, he couldn’t afford to his have right flank exposed. It was easier to just sign on with the established power.

Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz is also a baal teshuva, but he has no such fears. Who will challenge Rabbi Steinsaltz’s learning?

Rabbi Steinsaltz could’ve become the Head of School at Shalhevet after Jerry Friedman left. The position eventually went to Rabbi Elchanan Weinbach.

Shalhevet trustees found out that Rabbi Steinsaltz was interested in the position but they insisted he send in a resume. Rabbi Steinsaltz was not going to send in a resume applying for the position. He would’ve only taken the position if it was offered to him.

If Rabbi Steinsaltz had become Head of School at Shalhevet, all of Shalhevet’s problems with the Orthodox community would’ve been solved.

Rabbi Steinsaltz would not have moved to Los Angeles. He has schools around the world, particularly in the Soviet Union, where he flies in every couple of months to serve on a Beit Din for converts. Rabbi Steinsaltz would’ve appointed someone to run the school day to day and Rabbi Steinsaltz would’ve flown in every couple of months to give some lectures.

There’s only one pulpit Orthodox rabbi in Los Angeles who’s willing to challenge the RCC — that is Rav Yosef Kanefsky of Bnai David-Judea. Rav Kanefsky will do what he thinks is right no matter if every Orthodox rabbi in California disagrees with him (which basically happened when Rav Kanefsky came out in opposition to Proposition Eight in 2008).

Rav Kanefsky still works with the RCC. He sponsors people for conversion with the RCC. In the end, however, he is a not an RCC apparatchik. He makes up his own mind and his congregation stands with him, or at least with his right to preach his conscience from the pulpit.

Other than Rav Kanefsky, the other Modern Orthodox pulpit rabbis in Los Angeles are tight with the RCC and don’t rock that boat.

Rabbi Bess was the perfect man to oversee the eruv for Los Angeles. He got all the rabbis in line and made it happen (even though many of his congregants "don’t hold by the eruv").

Posted in R. Avraham Teichman, R. Elazar Muskin, R. Gershon Bess, R. Yehuda Bukspan, R. Yosef Kanefsky, Rabbis, RCC | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on Rabbi Gershon Bess Vs. Rabbi Yehuda Bukspan

Tom DeLay Dancing With The Stars

At first I was angry that Tom beat me out for a spot on this TV show, but now I realize the best man one.

Here’s Tom tugging at his trousers and getting ready for his scene:

Posted in Politics | Comments Off on Tom DeLay Dancing With The Stars