Emma’s Great California Vacation

From my live cam chat:

Emma:  You know….
Emma:  I think its time for a trim
YourMoralLeader:  trim of what?
Emma:  Of…
Emma:  Your…
Emma:  Beard……..
YourMoralLeader:  charisma?
Emma:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  I’d lose my moral strength
YourMoralLeader:  like samson
Emma:  Of course not
Emma:  Hey Lass
QuixoticLass:  hi emma
YourMoralLeader:  M, we’re in a time of the jewish calendar when one is not permitted to shave or cut one’s hair
YourMoralLeader:  so sorry
Emma:  Yeah sure
YourMoralLeader:  you can trim me when you come out
QuixoticLass:  no it’s true emma
YourMoralLeader:  QL, explain the sefira to Emma
Emma:  You cant shave?
YourMoralLeader:  nope
Emma:  Whaaaaaaaaaaat
Emma:  Why?
YourMoralLeader:  boss was married to a rabbi
YourMoralLeader:  she knows why
QuixoticLass:  it’s the counting of the omer.  from the time passover starts until Shavuot (literally "feast of weeks") you are not permitted to cut your hair or get married
guest33:  U PLANK!
Emma:  I see
YourMoralLeader:  hahah
YourMoralLeader:  i’m going wild
YourMoralLeader:  no woman will get me to trim
QuixoticLass:  for 49 days you are in a kind of mourning
YourMoralLeader:  except emma
YourMoralLeader:  and she has to trim me in person
YourMoralLeader:  with kindness
guest33:  TWAT
User guest33 was banned by broadcaster/admin.
User guest33 left the room.
Emma:  What if I cut you
YourMoralLeader:  if you make me bleed, you’re not getting any sex from me.
Emma:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  not even when we’re married
Emma:  Fine…
Emma:  Shave yourself
YourMoralLeader:  maybe you can pull the hairs out one by one
QuixoticLass:  if you don’t have sex when you’re married, you won’t really be married
Emma:  Yeah that wont hurt much
YourMoralLeader:  do you shave emma?
Emma:  Of course
QuixoticLass:  omg. 
Emma:  Just not my face Luke….
YourMoralLeader:  moustache?
QuixoticLass:  Emma!
Emma:  Too late
Emma:  What??
Emma:  What i do!
YourMoralLeader:  hehe
QuixoticLass:  you are a lech
QuixoticLass:  Levi, not emma
Emma:  So where is the nearest b&b to you Luke?
QuixoticLass:  Levi, you had more fun than I did last night
YourMoralLeader:  what’s a b&B?
QuixoticLass:  bed and breakfast
Emma:  Right
YourMoralLeader:  I got one right here at the hovel
YourMoralLeader:  then there’s julie’s house
YourMoralLeader:  nearby
Emma:  Julie… where is the nearest b&b?
YourMoralLeader:  but you can stay with me, M
YourMoralLeader:  there are hotels near me
QuixoticLass:  your bed is barely big enough for you
YourMoralLeader:  M’s not fat
QuixoticLass:  don’t they charge by the hour?
Emma:  Exactly
YourMoralLeader:  don’t be a princess Emma, you’ll love the hovel
Emma:  Hotel.. too expensive
YourMoralLeader:  hovel’s free
Emma:  Im not being a princess Luke
QuixoticLass:  everything here is expensive
QuixoticLass:  esp b&b
YourMoralLeader:  no need to fear for your virtue
Emma:  Where exactly do I sleep?
QuixoticLass:  in the fridge
YourMoralLeader:  the hotels are cheap about $50 a night
YourMoralLeader:  you would have my bed Emma
YourMoralLeader:  and I’d sleep at your feet by the computer
YourMoralLeader:  you can trust me
QuixoticLass:  $50/night?  omg  I would have to bring lysol and my own linen
Emma:  Of course I can…
Emma:  But you know.. I’m meeting you for the first time
YourMoralLeader:  bring your dad into the chatroom, we’ll sort this out right now
Emma:  I doubt that will happen
QuixoticLass:  any hotel that costs $50/night is too scuzzy for Emma
YourMoralLeader:  we’ll be on the road most of the time Emma
YourMoralLeader:  sleeping in the back of my van
QuixoticLass:  You’d have to take her to the Tower
YourMoralLeader:  of London?
QuixoticLass:  of Beverwil and Pico
YourMoralLeader:  too expensive
Emma:  Your van….
YourMoralLeader:  too far away
QuixoticLass:  it’s walking distance
YourMoralLeader:  but I’ll be too tired from walking to try anything
QuixoticLass:  exaaaaactly 🙂
QuixoticLass:  I wonder if this light therapy is helping him?
Emma:  lol who knows
guest42:  he does seem cheerier after a stint in the sun
guest42:  he may die of skin cancer though
QuixoticLass:  that’s a gross way to die
QuixoticLass:  not as gross as say, falling into a vat of snot and drowning, but fairly disgusting.
guest42:  not too much sunlight in the hovel
Emma:  Whoa lmao
Emma:  What a thought Lass
guest42:  snot true!
Emma:  No the  most awful way to die?
Emma:  Buried alive
QuixoticLass:  that’s pretty bad
guest42:  Do you think Luke will die young?
Emma:  The conversations we have in this chat room are so inspiring
guest42:  Or live to a ripe old age with Emma at his side
QuixoticLass:  those are the two choices?
Emma:  lol
guest42:  in his / her rocking chairs
guest42:  they inspire me
guest42:  to get a life!
Emma:  Rocking chairs
Emma:  BC
Emma:  Its 2008 now 42
guest42:  Luke can’t afford leather recliners
Emma:  Yet
guest42:  as long as he rocks your world
QuixoticLass:  you are such an optimist!
Emma:  lol
guest42:  realist
QuixoticLass:  one of the chairs in the hovel is leather-like
Emma:  I dont get along with realists very well
Emma:  Im too much of a dreamer
guest42:  a vegetarian thru and thru
guest42:  should I leave?
QuixoticLass:  he has decorated in the style of "early garage sale"
Emma:  Of course not
BorisJohnson:  Travel tip for Emma: Any hotel in LA that is not likely to give you bedbugs is going to cost at least $200/night
BorisJohnson:  Expect it, with taxes, to cost at least 100 Euros / night of sanity
BorisJohnson:  This is a very verdant scene.  Complete with fly
guest42:  SWAT
BorisJohnson:  Emma, instead of LA, visit London!
BorisJohnson:  It’s happening, and it freaks me out!
Emma:  hmmm no
BorisJohnson:  London is where it’s at.
BorisJohnson:  Instead of "bloggers", we’ve got "blokes"
BorisJohnson:  blokes = pokes.; bloggers = buggers or buggurs –  You pick ’em.
BorisJohnson:  A question for the ladies here: do you have sexual thoughts as you gaze upon this scene?
guest42:  Do you Boris?
BorisJohnson:  I have no sexual thoughts, really
BorisJohnson:  They are a distant memory
BorisJohnson:  More like a memory of a memory
guest42:  but you are thinking about the ladies having these thoughts
BorisJohnson:  Yes, but that is a clinical sort of question
guest42:  ask your johnson
guest42:  Luke come back….
guest42:  we’re floundering here
guest14:  Luke, finish your chores!
YourMoralLeader:  96
YourMoralLeader:  oy
YourMoralLeader:  i need sleep
guest14:  There will be time enough for sleep in the grave
guest14:  Rather than sleep, why not do a mitzvah?
guest2:  a youngster like you
guest2:  needs his booty sleep
guest2:  sleeping is a mitzvah
guest2:  mitzvah night
guest2:  Rebbe!
guest2:  Give me a brocha please
guest2:  Help me break my addiction to the room
guest2:  It is taking me away frim doing mitzvot
YourMoralLeader:  Rabbi, I need your fundraising guidance to help me bring this vulnerable young shiksa to LA for enlightenment and stuff
guest2:  lotsa "stuff"
guest2:  have her sell a horse
YourMoralLeader:  she did already
YourMoralLeader:  it was half dead
guest64:  Nice chair
YourMoralLeader:  maybe I could my honor on Ebay?
guest2:  sell your backyard tanning salon
zerox:  how is earth today
YourMoralLeader:  hi
YourMoralLeader:  blue
YourMoralLeader:  and there’s nothing i can do
guest2:  fill me up buttercup
guest2:  don’t let me down
guest66:  i’d rather have a reeses penut butter cup
zerox:  no emma
guest2:  she needs her booty sleep
guest66:  emma has left ground control
zerox:  ah sleep
guest66:  mounds or almond joy ??
guest2:  some times you feel like a nut…
guest2:  sometimes you don’t
guest66:  ginger or maryann??
guest2:  mounds
guest66:  large mounds with nuts ???
guest2:  lot of joy
guest2:  Luke, come out come out wherever you are
guest2:  We’ll count to 10
guest2:  thats about how long you should last
guest66:  his green tea makes him last alot longer
guest2:  women can shave their legs and pits to be attractive to their husbands
guest14:  Of course, and they had better
guest14:  Women who fail to make themselves appealing are committing a sin
guest2:  men can remain the pigs they are
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  luke — is she going to convert?
YourMoralLeader:  Yes rabbi
YourMoralLeader:  I’ll need your help there too
YourMoralLeader:  I need you more than anyone
guest66:  convert my ass
guest2:  big job
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  i’ll convert her alright
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  once you go feller, you never go back
guest14:  It saddens me that Luke was never able to find himself a proper Jewish bride
guest66:  if she was chinese she would be converted rice
guest14:  But I suppose that Jewish women are too picky these days
guest2:  cuz his nose hair is unappealing
guest66:  mitzvah gedolah leheyot betulah tamid (breslov)
YourMoralLeader:  I captured her during an online war, rabbi, so first I’ll have to shave her head and let her mourn for her family for a month
guest66:  i will sit shivah

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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