Orthodox Girls Gone Wild – Hitting Hollywood Saturday Night For A Birthday Party

I wake up Saturday morning with a tickle in my throat.

What’s she doing here?

I contemplate skipping motzei Shabbat karaoke but don’t want to leave the boyfriend in the lurch.

Poor man. Without me, he’d be stuck in a dark place with a dozen hot chix.

I could not do that to a fellow Jew.

I’m gonna try to keep up with the twenty-somethings and party like Evan and Jaron.

At 10 p.m., five of us pile into a cab — Birthday Girl, BF, Rachel*, Jezebel* and myself and head for 6114 Sunset — Amagi Japanese.

"Stay in the middle," I tell Rachel (the nice girl), "so I can stay chaste [and away from Jezebel]."

"What’s chaste?" asks Jezebel.

"Rachel," I say, "explain chastity to our friend."

Then we explain to… that…fling was just physical.

"That makes me feel better," she says.

Our every comment is a new dagger into her heart.

We laugh. She cries (inside).

"What is it that men find attractive about mentally disturbed nymphomaniacs?" I wonder out loud. "I just don’t see it."

Thirty minutes and $25 later, we pile out and find the karaoke room.

There’s a bachelorette party with lots of blondes and Filipinas.

The Filipinas have these nice soft faces and gentle curves.

I’m flooded with memories.

I have Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird stuck in the back of my pants in case things get boring (or I need protection from some stranger’s backstage pass).

My throat hurts but what a wonderful opportunity this will be for us to witness for Modern Orthodoxy.

Did I remember to bring the tracts? Soloveitchik on repentance?

Can’t find them anywhere.

The holiness of the Shabbat disappears fast as the plates of non-kosher sushi arrive.

I’m mesmerized by the way these girls move. Their smiles and easy laughter. Their dancing and singing. The tender way they hold the microphone… It’s a sin for me to watch this.

Oy, if Rabbi Union could see me now.

Head in my hands, I’m slack-jawed watching the girls dance while Rachel and Jezebel get their jollies at my innocent wonder.

Nothing in the Talmud prepared me for the sweet agony of watching curvy young women gyrate across the dance floor. Those tight jeans, revealing tops. It’s a sin.

No wonder Seventh-Day Adventists prohibit dancing.

This is very very wrong.

How do these girls let themselves go like that? They seem to have no inhibitions. Their hips grind to the music. They have turned their backs on God’s immutable moral law.

Don’t they know that Maimonides says the Torah can never be superceded?

How do they move so freely? Where is their shame? How do they float with their bodies? Why are they not all tied up in Talmudic knots?

What sweet free breeze did they catch up?

How come I grew up to be so socially retarded? The first time I danced was at my sister’s wedding in January 1982. I was 15. I hated it. I didn’t know what to do. My cousin (mom’s (Gwen Booth) brother’s (Donny Booth) daughter) took me in hand but it was no use. There was no salvation for this son of a preacher man.

Two years later, my cousin died in a car accident.

Later in my teens, I’d sneak away from the house to join my friends dancing but I’ve been able to get comfortable with it.

I’m a lost cause.

I would rather be studying Talmud now.

XXX hates the love songs. She doesn’t want to think about love. It hurts too much.

I Will Survive.

"That’s the song I should be singing," says XXX. "Those are the songs I need tonight."

I make some notes on my tape recorder during the evening. Audio Audio Audio Audio

By midnight, all my friends are drunk.

After 1 a.m., I sing "Space Oddity," first made famous by David Bowie but later memorialized by me on my cam. It’s my theme song for testing the audio quality.

At 2 a.m., we (the five of us plus our new friend Culver City Jeff) close the karaoke room singing "Red, Red Wine."

Then we hit Dennys.

Rabbi Union, I thought it was a kosher Dennys.

I order herbal tea. That’s it, rabbi.

I’m falling asleep.

Through half-closed eyes, I see Brian Pumper walk by.

I come alive. I have something to contribute to the conversation.

I had turned on my tape recorder to document us singing Red, Red Wine and accidentally left it on for the next 90-minutes.

Here’s six minutes of me rhapsodizing over Brian Pumper unaware I’m taping myself. Audio

I introduce two of my friends so they can get their picture taken with Mr. Pumper. Audio

I come back to the table and wail, "What have I done?"

"You’ve corrupted my friends," says…

"I’m sorry."

"You’re out of it now. That was his past. You’re born again."

Culver City Jeff gives us a ride home.

However this requires that I sacrifice my virtue and put Jezebel on my lap.

It’s nearly 4 a.m.

Audio Audio Audio Audio Audio Audio Audio

I blogged all night to get to you…

Jezebel was a hit in the karaoke room. She had two lengthy conversations with strange men.

Luke: "Did you feel objectified?"

Jez: "A little bit. What does that mean?"

From my live cam chat and post-party analysis:

YourMoralLeader:  you came to LA and you did not look me up
YourMoralLeader:  tease
Gina:  How do you know I didn’t?
YourMoralLeader:  oh
YourMoralLeader:  did you?
Gina:  didn’t you feel the connection?
YourMoralLeader:  you could be the mother of teshuvas
Gina:  from a distance
Gina:  building up
Gina:  prefer shailos
Gina:  went to all you old haunts
Gina:  Didn’t you feel stalked?
Gina:  went to every CBTL in the city
YourMoralLeader:  CBTL means what?
Gina:  even the cholov yisroel one
Gina:  Coffee Bean & Teal Leaf
Gina:  I’m glad Emma keeps you on the straight and narrow path
YourMoralLeader:  true
Gina:  she is your salvation
Gina:  I am like guest2
Gina:  visiting LukeFord.net once a day for updates
Gina:  but….
Gina:  I do find joy in masturbating
YourMoralLeader:  what do you think about when?
Gina:  you of course
Gina:  and Emma
YourMoralLeader:  and what are we doing?
Gina:  playing with your tzitzit
Gina:  Luke, have you ever been to Israel?
Gina:  better go before war breaks out
YourMoralLeader:  been twice gina
YourMoralLeader:  once is never enough
Gina:  climb the mount with Emma
Gina:  whats her Dad like?
Gina:  Did you go to Israel BC or AC?
YourMoralLeader:  both
Gina:  different perspectives?
Gina:  take Emma before and after
Gina:  and during
YourMoralLeader:  i was 4 first time
YourMoralLeader:  33 2nd
guest24:  pig
User guest24 left the room.
Gina:  24 really knows how to ham it up….
Gina:  I danc like Elaine f(Seinfeld)
Gina:  Do you think thats my problem in meeting men?
Gina:  Is the way one dances important in the mating game?
Gina:  Is that why frumies don’t dance?
Gina:  Dancing leads to
Gina:  How many songs did you belt out?
Gina:  Were you drinking?
Gina:  You sound so confident
Gina:  and Cool
Gina:  and funny
Gina:  Tease
Gina:  You have them eating out of your hand
Gina:  and kissing your tzitzit no doubt
Gina:  new ball?
Gina:  next week…Emor
BorisJohnson:  Hello old chum.
YourMoralLeader:  no gaffes now
BorisJohnson:  Thank you.  I owe it to my dear circle of friends, broad as it may be
BorisJohnson:  I am proof that the odd man can succede in life, even if he cannot spell
BorisJohnson:  It has been a long time……what are you up to, Luke?
BorisJohnson:  Would you consider perhaps moving to London?
YourMoralLeader:  now yes
YourMoralLeader:  How can I serve you?
BorisJohnson:  Minister of Blogging Affairs
BorisJohnson:  Or perhaps as my "outreach" to the Levantine communities
BorisJohnson:  Who is this "Gina"?  A constituent?
BorisJohnson:  The macrobreasted community is also in need of inclusion
Gina:  looking for a job in the UK as well
BorisJohnson:  What are your qualifications?
Gina:  no reductions / cuts here
BorisJohnson:  And what do you want to do?
Gina:  Luke
YourMoralLeader:  yes
YourMoralLeader:  I want to be of service
Gina:  I’m very supportive and I always keep the community uplifted and abreast
BorisJohnson:  Do you have any photos I might study?
BorisJohnson:  I wish to be inclusive.
User RolfHarris left the room.
User WinstonChurchill left the room.
Gina:  they’ve been nipped in the bud
Gina:  Borris hows your johnson?
Gina:  Any pics?
BorisJohnson:  I need to know your race
BorisJohnson:  You see, mine will be an administration of inclusion
Gina:  JAP
BorisJohnson:  But to know where to include you , I must first see you
BorisJohnson:  Japanese?  We’ve not many Japanese in London.
Gina:  I’m a bomb
Gina:  like Pearl Harbor
BorisJohnson:  Now we don’t want any bombs, either
BorisJohnson:  Why would you leave sunny Los Angeles for oftimes rainy London?
Gina:  rain brings out the rubbers
Gina:  its all about protection
BorisJohnson:  What do you presently do in LA?
Gina:  work in a condom factory
Gina:  quality control
BorisJohnson:  I would hate to take you away from your work
BorisJohnson:  As it is very important
Gina:  yes, least there be a influx of babies
Gina:  children of YML
BorisJohnson:  Oh, that title of his is just a gag I thought up over a pint or two.
Gina:  got me gagging
BorisJohnson:  And he’s not that big to do that
Gina:  small mouth
Gina:  deep thought
BorisJohnson:  Luke, you are looking rather neurasthenic these days.
BorisJohnson:  Pale, sickly
BorisJohnson:  In need of a change of scenery
BorisJohnson:  Such as a move to London would provide.
Gina:  perhaps a bit of backyard hovel sun
BorisJohnson:  A plate of chicken tika massala would do you a world of good
Gina:  or a slab of meat
BorisJohnson:  Gina, why not pop in on Luke and show him the value of flesh?
BorisJohnson:  Put an end to his infatuation with fruits and what nots
Gina:  I would crush him
BorisJohnson:  Strong thighs?
Gina:  with my melons
BorisJohnson:  Yes, do that a bit
BorisJohnson:  He needs it
Gina:  breast or thigh man?
BorisJohnson:  All this blogging and fruit eating
BorisJohnson:  who?
Gina:  either / both
BorisJohnson:  the former
BorisJohnson:  although I am foind of the latter as well
Gina:  aah a breastlover
BorisJohnson:  As are all true men
Gina:  true, true
YourMoralLeader:  http://www.lukeford.net/Images/photos4/audio/debbieparty.wav/B_2008_05_04/majortom.wav
YourMoralLeader:  me singing last night
BorisJohnson:  Is there a photo of Gina there with you?
BorisJohnson:  I’m beginning to think that she is the one who might lift you out of your malaise
Gina:  lift and separate
Gina:  like a good bra
BorisJohnson:  There would be fewer wars if women had larger breasts
zappa:  what you listening to Luke?
YourMoralLeader:  michael cheney
zappa:  no wiser
zappa:  sounds a really lonely bloke does Michael. Is this what you aspire to emulate Luke?
YourMoralLeader:  yes
YourMoralLeader:  i wanna be rich
zappa:  no pockets in shrouds
zappa:  rich and lonely – f**k that
zappa:  not to brag or to boast Michael
zappa:  More traffic for YOU Michael – YOU YOU YOU
YourMoralLeader:  Rabbi, how are you?
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  may you have as many children as you can sanely handle
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  i’m good luke, how are you
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  when are you meeting this little shiksah of yours
guest2:  8 seems to be the lucky number
guest2:  2.5 sanely
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  that poor 1/2 of a kid
guest2:  its the .5 thats usually the problem
User NevilleChamberlin entered the room.
NevilleChamberlin:  alright
NevilleChamberlin:  anyone moral yet?
guest2:  the engineer is playing with his choo choo
NevilleChamberlin:  i camefor guidance
NevilleChamberlin:  spose iltry later
User NevilleChamberlin left the room.
guest2:  you guided him right out the room…nice
YourMoralLeader:  build me up buttercup

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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