I’m Live In My Chat Room With Rabbi Gadol

From my chat room:

RabbiG:  I’m here to do an audit.
RabbiG:  Tzitzit – check.
RabbiG:  Keepah – check
RabbiG:  Beard – it grows
jonnie:  But I like his cheeky smile
RabbiG:  Virtuous women in chat room – check
QuixoticLass:  ok that’s just scary when he does that
QuixoticLass:  kiss my tzit tzit, is that like kiss my grits?
RabbiG:  All Luke lacks in mastery of Hebrew and Aramaic.
jonnie:  Finally education 😉
RabbiG:  QL, I have been hearing rumors of you behavin in an immodest way with a lulav
Emma:  I learnt something new today
QuixoticLass:  I haven’t touched a lulav since succot
jonnie:  Now – shall we give him a shower ?
Emma:  Interesting
RabbiG:  I will present a lesson from Baba Kamma, Chapter 2
jonnie:  I had a Yorkshire Terrier called Baba
Emma:  I want one of those Jonnie
jonnie:  a neighbour reversed over him 🙁
RabbiG:  In the case of a c**k putting its head into an empty utensil of glass where it crowed so that the utensil thereby broke, the  whole cost shall be payable.
RabbiG:  Read "rooster" for "c**k"
jonnie:  haha
RabbiG:  Laugh, but if you look it up you will see it there.
RabbiG:  Forced vibrations and resonance within the Talmud.
jonnie:  circumcised?
RabbiG:  The question is, why did the Talmud think to include a discussion of the harmful effects of forced resonance?
jonnie:  Ahh
QuixoticLass:  the rabbis in the talmud are always comparing each other, so and so is such and such number of kav long
RabbiG:  Suppose, for example, this rooster had crowed into the metal work of a bridge, thereby causing resonance that brings down the bridge. Same result?
QuixoticLass:  because it involved property.  we’re all very concerned aobut our stuff
jonnie:  Or a rooster masturbating perhaps – setting up the resonant frequency?
jonnie:  Ignore that
RabbiG:  The lesson is that vibrations can do damage.  If a cahk (rooster) can cause such harm, imagine the damage that can be the result of a mechanical vibrator such as cat owning women often possess
Emma:  What a picture /
RabbiG:  These too, can cause much harm, but unlike the rooster, cannot even be eaten.
jonnie:  I’m gaining knowledge now
jonnie:  Moral knowledge
RabbiG:  Hence, the Talmud warns women away from using a vibrator as a replacement for a rooster.
QuixoticLass:  What’s the difference between erotic and perverted?
RabbiG:  Rabbi Gedoltzev comments, "but what of the rooster that has no voice, but a sharp beak, and the beak pecks at a glass from the outside scratching it?
QuixoticLass:  a feather is erotic, the whole chicken is a perversion.
jonnie:  Quizo – one involves a rooster
RabbiG:  This, Rabbi Baz noted, is not complete damage, therefore the damages are less. 
Emma:  Farm animals and vibrators.. what will be next
RabbiG:  Hence, a small pecker is not as harmful as a vibrator
QuixoticLass:  but a vibrator may well be more effective
RabbiG:  A vibrator is more effective at vibrating, and a pecker at pecking, but which is more harmful to "shalom bais", household peace?
QuixoticLass:  depends on if your husband is gay or not
jonnie:  Tefillin?
QuixoticLass:  bye everyone!
jonnie:  I’m gay !
Emma:  byeee
jonnie:  HAHA
Emma:  tc
jonnie:  Night
User jonnie left the room.
User QuixoticLass left the room.
Emma:  What a way to come out
RabbiG:  I shan’t touch QL’s last comment with a ten foot pole
YourMoralLeader:  Keep teaching, rabbi
RabbiG:  Intellectuall ambitious students will confirm my quotes here.
YourMoralLeader:  Why do we have yom tov sheni?
YourMoralLeader:  Why can’t I eat kitniyot?
YourMoralLeader:  Am I allowed to go down on my wife?
Emma:  Yep I’m lost…
RabbiG:  Who here knows the very first mitzvah recorded in the Torah?
YourMoralLeader:  be fruitful?
RabbiG:  Yes!
RabbiG:  Actually, it is be fruitful AND MULTIPLY.
RabbiG:  Simply being a fruit is not enough.
YourMoralLeader:  Is it kosher to meet an Irish 18yo in a chat room and fly her to LA, convert her, dip her in the mikveh, chupa, shtuppa?
Emma:  chupa shtuppa?
Emma:  balla walla
RabbiG:  It is permitted to do as you say, but not to say what you will do thusly
YourMoralLeader:  chupa = marriage canopy
RabbiG:  She is a human being, not a toy, and is entitled to respect.
YourMoralLeader:  shtuppa = what happens when a a man and wife love each other and what to demonstrate that love.
RabbiG:  Do not be vulgar.
YourMoralLeader:  What if your wife is not in the mood, how does one entice her to the mitzvah?
YourMoralLeader:  Emma often has headaches
RabbiG:  Appeal to the Torah
Emma:  I feel one coming on now
RabbiG:  A virtuous woman has no such moods, except relating to her period, in which case sex is forbidden.
Emma:  Obviously
RabbiG:  Luke, chant a prayer.
RabbiG:  Yes, but what do those words mean?
RabbiG:  Can you utter them in English?
Emma:  What did that mean.
Emma:  what a mouthful
RabbiG:  Emma, Jews have special appendages within our mouths to utter such words.
Emma:  I can see that
RabbiG:  Which talmud are you using these days, Luke?
RabbiG:  Babylonian or Palestinian?
YourMoralLeader:  Babylonian, baby
RabbiG:  Emma, how many hours / day do you spend here?
Emma:  I lost count
Crikey:  yep im a gluton for punishment
RabbiG:  This worries me.
Emma:  lol
Emma:  Why?
RabbiG:  Do you live alone?
Emma:  No
Emma:  I live at home with my family
RabbiG:  Unless you are getting paid for it, it is not healthy to spend time online
YourMoralLeader:  shush
Emma:  Well it’s very rewarding…
Emma:  Just like getting paid for it
RabbiG:  You should be studying, gardening, making new friends in person, going to the malt shop and so forth.
Emma:  I do all of that
RabbiG:  When?
Emma:  During the day
RabbiG:  Then at night you should sleep.
RabbiG:  What time is it by you now?
Emma:  I sleep when im tired
Emma:  1:17am
RabbiG:  Time for sleep.
Emma:  You going to bed?
Emma:  Goodnight
RabbiG:  I am not in Ireland.
RabbiG:  What did you typically do at this hour prior to discovering this chat room?
RabbiG:  What would you be doing if the internet went down across your village?
Emma:  Read…
Emma:  I would be running to l.a
YourMoralLeader:  yay
RabbiG:  With a stop in New York?
YourMoralLeader:  give me my arrows of desire
RabbiG:  To refresh yourself.
Emma:  no rg
RabbiG:  Luke hangs out with a rough crowd in LA.
RabbiG:  Bloggers, mostly
Emma:  cool
RabbiG:  They have crucified more innocent people on their blogs than Pontius Pilate did Jews.
RabbiG:  I wish you a good and restful night of sleep.
RabbiG:  And may tomorrow bring the arrival of the Messiah.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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