Rabbi Gadol Fears For My Neshama

The holy rabbi — he’s not a compromising Modern Orthodox, he’s the real thing, a fair dinkum rabbi — is in my chat room right now dispensing brachas:

RabbiGadol:  A nice woman, his age, from a good family.  Very much interested in making and keeping a Jewish home.
YourMoralLeader:  Welcome Rabbi
Cindi:  She has to be dark haired and italian/jewish looking
RamBam:  Uhoh he’s back!
RabbiGadol:  But I don’t know if I should introduce them, based on what I see here.
YourMoralLeader:  not for long, must nude sunbathe
YourMoralLeader:  before the kids get home
RabbiGadol:  After all, "it all begins with a chat."
Cindi:  very intelligent and edgy
RabbiGadol:  I’m afrain Luke is no longer thinking about finding a nice Jewish woman.
RabbiGadol:  Someone suitable to him.
Cindi:  chaste in the community, opposite in private
RabbiGadol:  I fear for his neshama
RabbiGadol:  I can see him abandoning years of work in a moment of passion.
RabbiGadol:  But what is passion, but an attempt to wage war on nature?
Cindi:  he’s already done that many times, lol, but he always returns to the proper ways of the shul
RabbiGadol:  I admit that I have no 18 year old with blue eyes to introduce to him
RamBam:  I do think he’s ready for a shidduch
RabbiGadol:  None of the Jewish women I know of who might consider such a match are young enough to be his daughter.
RabbiGadol:  And even the somewhat older ones are holding out for a more successful man
RabbiGadol:  So there is a mismatch in inventory here
Cindi:  You can be successful without being wealthy
RabbiGadol:  And there lies the peril that Luke’s neshama faces.
RabbiGadol:  He will let it all go away for a moment or two of pleasure.
RamBam:  I know no women who wants an ex-porn blogger.
RabbiGadol:  There are some, but they are not Jewish.
RamBam:  But she MUST be Jewish
Cindi:  I know many women that would want him, but not vice versa
RabbiGadol:  And they want a man with more material success, alas.
Cindi:  HE is the picky one
RabbiGadol:  I fear that Luke is prepared to look away from his People.
RabbiGadol:  This saddens me greatly.
RamBam:  I think he has his heart set on the Emerald Isle.
RabbiGadol:  I fear that you are right.
RabbiGadol:  I urged him to attend singles events for the 40+ set, but he would not listen to me.
RamBam:  He may have converted but he has need of young shiksas.
Cindi:  Luke needs a beautiful, intelligent motherly type, under 35
RamBam:  JEWISH don’t forget Jewish
RabbiGadol:  I urged him to remember Sarah, who bore a child very late in life, but Luke does not listen.
YourMoralLeader:  I want an Irish lass.
Cindi:  Isn’t she the one who turned into a pillar of salt and created the dead sea? lol
YourMoralLeader:  Is that so wrong?
YourMoralLeader:  So she have the love of Christ in her bosom?
RabbiGadol:  All of this can be undone.  I am more certain of Luke’s committment to this strange "vegetarian" lifestyle of his than to the Jewish people.
Cindi:  IF the right girl came along, I think LUke would become a Mormon meateater
RabbiGadol:  There is nothing wrong with this choice, Luke, provided you are not Jewish. 
RabbiGadol:  Well, maybe there is a lot still wrong with this scenario, but that is a different matter
RabbiGadol:  Shiksa fever.
YourMoralLeader:  please pray for me
RabbiGadol:  It has destroyed countless Jewish souls.
RamBam:  He thinks Sarah and about Hagar on the side
RabbiGadol:  This is not good.
RabbiGadol:  This internet is not good
RamBam:  He thinks about marrying sisters like Rachel & Leah
Cindi:  Emma? Emma? Did we lose you? We need you in this conversion, I mean conversation
RabbiGadol:  I just don’t think it will work out.  The other rabbis are convinced it is all a sham.
Emma:  Im here
RamBam:  And doing naughty things to them.
Cindi:  Are you and your sister single like Rachel and Lea?
RabbiGadol:  Emma, is there no nice strapping Irish lad in your village you can turn to for the love you crave?
Emma:  Single.. nothing like rachel and lea though
RabbiGadol:  We are afraid of losing Luke.
RamBam:  The problem is that they are both pretty.  Leah was not.
Emma:  Dont worrie about that rabbi
RabbiGadol:  Somewhere a Jewish woman’s heart is breaking yet again.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
This entry was posted in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.