Luke Ford

Holly Randall writes:

I don’t normally frequent porn parties, so when I was invited to the Wicked charity barbeque, celebrating Brad Armstrong’s Coming Home movie, I was inclined to pass. Until their vice president Joy King dangled the irresistible carrot before me: there was to be a dunk tank, and Luke Ford was going to be in it.

Now before anyone can understand my gleeful anticipation of dropping this man into a tank of water before a crowd, one must know my history with the adult industry’s most controversial, yet most famous, blogger. Those who hate him tend to be his most dedicated readers, and those fascinated by him must relate in some way to his love/hate relationship with porn.

I spent quite a few years in the industry before I even knew who Luke Ford was. When I finally got a publicist, I was warned against this snake of a man, a truly sociopathic beast, I was told. He was one who twisted your words to suit his own agenda, which of course, was never in your favor. Since I’m the kind of girl who likes to do exactly the opposite of what she’s told, when I met Luke in Tampa at the Nightmoves Awards Show, I instantly latched onto him, curious to know this person I’d heard such horrible things about.

What initially attracted me to Luke was that he was an outsider. He always carried a very serious book in his back pocket at parties, so that when he didn’t have an innocent young starlet to corner and pose disarming and uncomfortable questions to, he could retreat to a dark corner and immerse himself tedious literature. Though I would never pull a book out at a party, I could relate, and often wished I had one when I was stuck somewhere I didn’t feel I belonged. And that was often. In fact, I felt it then, at that Florida show. I felt it almost all the time when I attended industry functions: I’m not with the "in" crowd, and nobody really wants to talk to me. Except for the bartender of course, because I’m going to be his biggest customer that night.

So Luke and I got to know each other, and though we didn’t become intimate at that show, it did happen later. I’m asked often why I became involved with Luke, and all I can say is that I was like the dumb kid in the sandbox who plays with the scorpion because I don’t think it will sting me. And he didn’t, until I did what I usually do: end the relationship, and badly.

Of course, it was then I felt the sting. He wrote extensively on my poor behavior, and it wasn’t very nice, to say the least. Deep down though, I knew I deserved it, but my ego was bruised: as much as I imagine his was as well. After some time though, we reconciled and I thought things were pretty good between us. That is, until I sent myself to rehab, for the second time.

In my depressed and half-drunk state right before my departure, I let it slip to some industry people that I would be going away to treatment, and would be unable to fulfill some obligations I had coming up in the near future. I had been away for almost a week when I logged into his site and read the introductory title to his little introspective on my sudden departure: "Rehab – What Better Time To Mock Someone?" That was it: I called him up, and blew up when he picked up the phone. And of course, he recorded it all.

In that recording, I swore I would never be his friend again. I swore I would never feel anything but disgust and apathy towards him. And at the time, I really meant it. But I couldn’t keep it up: I cannot stay angry at someone, and I do not have the energy to hate anyone. In this respect, I suppose my laziness actually does me some good.

Luke and I made up (sort-of) months after this final dispute, but we were never close again. I’d never completely forgiven him for calling me out, and bashing me for attending rehab. But I will admit it did open the door for me to speak openly about the subject, which in turn made me receptive to the topic and anyone who wished to discuss it with me.

Yet I still harbored some resentment against Luke, which brings us back to the party, and his participation in the dunk tank. Suddenly I saw a harmless and even comical way of exacting my revenge upon him, and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t going to take it.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am almost incapable of being on time for anything, but the day of the party, I was actually early. There was no way I was missing my opportunity, or allowing someone to get to Luke before I could. I wanted him dry and jubilant before I plunged him into the dark waters of my bitterness. People joked with me about my anticipation for the event, and I laughed along with them. There was merriment in my laugh and an easy lightness in my step, but there was murder in my eyes. I’d been practicing my throw all week. Luke was going down.

Finally my moment came. I’d bought 20 raffle tickets in case I missed, but Joy promised me that I could throw the ball as many times as needed to hit my target. My first throw was such a girly throw, it was embarrassing: I threw it straight at the floor. My next two were just as bad, going nowhere near the white disc that would drop the plank out from under Luke’s seat. Luke was growing confident that I would never hit my mark, he began to viciously taunt me. I laughed along with the crowd, but my blood boiled. He was not going to humiliate me again.

Just as my frustration was mounting, my ball met it’s mark, and Luke was dropped into the tank. In fact, as the words: "Holly you suck" escaped his lips, he plummeted to his soggy demise in such a way that his last word "suck" was drawn out into a long wail, much like someone who was falling down into a bottomless abyss.

After my triumph, I held out the olive branch and helped Luke get dried off and dressed. We were friends again. He took some photos of me, and taking pity on my delicate ego, edited out the bad ones. And being the newly baptized gentleman he was, he even walked me to my car.

Khunrum writes: "Let’s face it gang. Luke only turned away from Holly when the Viagra expenses began to add up. She got to be too expensive."

Lewisafein: yams and apple pie are fighting in my belly, worse than modern orthodox and frum
Luzdedos1: i am reading bob novak’s autobiography
Lewisafein: the stuff about his bar mitzvah is good
Lewisafein: when he became really jewish
Lewisafein: i’m the least thing from religious but it hurts to see him abandon the tribe
Lewisafein: it’s like he went to the yankees, and in the trade we picked up an aging relief pitcher named luke ford
Lewisafein: how’s your fast ball
Luzdedos1: weak
Luzdedos1: did you have thanksgiving with the rabbi?
Lewisafein: i did. his wife’s wig fell off while serving me schlag
Lewisafein: she’s yul brenner under that thing
Lewisafein: as she was straightening it i hear the "magnificent seven"
Lewisafein: dun dun dah dah