Luke Ford

The most painful part of my life over the past 15 years has been the loss of significant relationships.

None was felt more keenly than my break with Dennis Prager.

In December of 1997, I decided I wanted to write online about Prager and publish on my website an unauthorized biography of him.

As I mentioned my plans to do this, two of my closest friends in Los Angeles (Laurie Zimmet and Chris Donald) said that if I proceeded with my plans, they would no longer be my friend.

I proceeded with my plans. They were true to their word.

We haven’t been friends since.

We will never be friends.

Though I was considerably gentler to Prager than most people I write about, that meant nothing to Prager and my critics (I’m not arguing that it should mean anything, I’m just describing, not prescribing). It was my simple act of writing about him without his authorization that caused them to excommunicate me.

Not only did I lose my friendship with Dennis Prager, I lost virtually every friend I had in common with Dennis (including Rabbi Joseph Telushkin and Dr. Stephen Marmer — not that I was close friends with them, but I was friendly with them, and then our break went public and brutal in early 2005, but that was only a bubbling up of anger that had been subterranean since 1998 because of what I’d done to Dennis and this time Rabbi Mordecai Gafni was just an excuse for us to settle this score while claiming it was for the sake of Heaven, and even after it became plain that Gafni was who I said he was and he was not who Telushkin and Marmer claimed, that meant nothing to us, our break was permanent).

(I first took up journalism in my sophomore year at Placer High School. In the fall of 1982, I researched a critical article about the football team. Friends warned me that I’d be ostracized if I published the article. I did and I was. My best friend at school, Shannon Anderson, did not speak to me for a year.)

In early 1998, I engaged in a painful online feud with Chris (and to a lesser extent with Laurie). None of us came out looking good.

In the heat of the battle, I did some stupid things. I got a handful of facts wrong about Dennis (none significant). I published several of Prager’s essays online without permission, violating his copyright.

On March 4, 1998, Dennis Prager wrote to the now defunct Dennis Prager Email List:

Of what I have seen [of my postings], some are fine and some are offensive.

I felt infuriated by Prager’s response. It was so pompous and condescending. Of course, it is easy to understand why Dennis would be annoyed with me and most fair-minded people I know who are aware of the conflict feel much more sympathy for Dennis than for me.

Heck, I feel more sympathy for Dennis than I do for myself.

Here’s an excerpt from the Jewish Journal’s Aug. 3, 2007 profile of me:

Ford credits his Jewish conversion to the wisdom of talk-radio host Dennis Prager, whom he heard speaking about Judaism when Ford was bed-ridden with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after dropping out of UCLA. The two began talking regularly by phone, but then Ford bought the domain www.DennisPrager.net and used it to lambast the man he loved like a father. (That info has all been moved over to LukeFord.net.)

Prager has since completely distanced himself.

"He was neither a pupil nor a friend," Prager said in a brief interview. "I think I appealed to something good in him at some point, and I hope I did. But I don’t know."

When I read that, I smiled.

Most fair-minded people view my actions towards Dennis Prager as betrayal. I view them as being true to my art.

I have more peace these days about the loss of these significant relationships because I understand that given who I was, I could not have acted but as I did, that I chose this life of mine (to adapt an insight from the movie "Analyze This"), and that while my choices destroyed most of the relationships important to me, they allowed me to do important work and to find new friendships.

As Barry Manilow said, "I made it through the rain and found myself respected by the others who got rained on too…"

Oh – thinkin’ about all our younger years. There was only you and me. We were young and wild and free.

Now nothin’ can take you away from me. We been down that road before… But that’s over now… You keep me comin’ back for more…

So I’m listening to Prager’s happiness show from Dec. 14. Here’s how it is described on his website: "To be happy, you have to learn not to take things personally. If too many “slights” offend you, you need to adjust your sensitivity level. In order to maintain relationships with family and friends, this is especially important."

On the show, Prager says: "People who are hurt at the drop of a coin, are offended…no matter what happens… You walk on egg shells around them. You are so worried that you will say something wrong. You will have a wrong look and they will be personally offended…"

That’s how I felt towards the end of 1997 in my relationships with Prager and company.

Dennis: "Allen [Prager’s producer Allen Estrin] has this charming trait… He doesn’t say goodbye. He just hangs up. So what?

"The ability to say ‘So what?’ is a fantastic ability…to not be miserable… I don’t take it personally."

Prager talks about his good friend Rabbi Joseph Telushkin and how neither of them are quick to take offense.

Dennis: "Always give your friends the benefit of the doubt. Once you can’t any longer give your friend the benefit of the doubt, the person is no longer a friend."

"I so trust him [Telushkin], and he so trusts me, that it’s almost impossible…"

"If you take everything personally, you can’t have friends."

"The people who walk around gratuituously offended and gratuituously hurt can’t have friends…"

"I’ve been stunned for 30 years lecturing…and it’s usually a woman who’ll get up and say, ‘I was offended by something you said in your lecture.’

"Why are you offended? We disagree. Why are you offended?"

"How come I almost never feel personally offended? It takes so much… I can’t even… I don’t know. I guess it would have to happen from somebody I dearly loved who turned against me. But it’s not in my vocabulary. I’m called names all the time. I’m not personally offended. It comes with being a public figure who takes positions. You’re going to be called names. To be offended because someone took a position you don’t agree with?"

She emails:

I would like to pose a question to you….. my grammar sucks and I have heard that might make you crazy but deal with it. I am aware of your book Rebel without a shul. Why do you so desperately want a shul when from what I hear Rabbi’s aren’t any better than someone exploring, to make a living, the porn industry.

Frankly, why would you care that immoral men don’t accept your writings. You said yourself, "I needed to make money and thought, what is interesting that no one knows about, that I can write about."

I haven’t read your book but am acutely aware of your problem, me being a shiksah, I am shunned constantly while just walking along the street by these men in fur hats. I will be running or walking and my obvious lack of religion/clothing will make them cross the street.

I am judged by a look. We might share a court yard and they will listen to my machine to get my phone number and call me on Sat to tell me they can hear my TV and I need to turn it off and then will ask me to press the elevator button or open their refrigerator promising we will have sherry someday. Of course that never happens.

Meanwhile their new born, is placed on the floor by the sliding doors to sleep. I have a friend whom has all kinds of married Rabbi friends one who inflicted her with his sex addiction. Of course he was "going to get a separation" someday I am sure his wife will leave but meanwhile, my friend who grapples with this conundrum, goes to her long time Rabbi friend who happens to be married with 13 children for advice. He then inflicts her with disgusting sexual innuendo of his own.

Ok, I was going to write verbatim what he wrote in the 9 text messages but she thinks since, he is a Rabbi, he will speak of her in the community. Frankly, I find it reprehensible. In my writing this, I wonder, why would you want a home like this and my real intention is to expose yet again the unsavory power of religion.

Organized religion is a way to control the masses and it was invented to control man’s will to power. Give man a moral sounding board but has it? Or has it allowed men of religious power to influence their shul members without having to abstain from the very laws that we are all supposed to abide by. Who needs that shit? Do unto others as you would have others do unto you! I think god helps those who helps themselves and if your intention is to prey on the people who look up to you, I don’t have words to express my disappointment.

But I would love to see a couple of Rabbi’s in stilettos to arouse me. Or a kosher Rabbi with a predilection for sexual deviance! But Luke maybe, you can explain this to me since you seem to be THE BAD GUY! I think you are more a moral leader than most stories I have heard about Rabbi’s.

I realize this isn’t a competition but at least you don’t pretend to be a rabbi and you don’t take advantage of impressionable congregates that look up to you! But you are the bad guy looking for redemption? Good luck! Hmm, how do I end this? JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED. I have no names and I hate coffee!

The four synagogues I was booted from — the rabbis were good guys. They were not sexual predators. About the same percentage of rabbis are sexual predators as any other profession… Overall, though, I have had good experiences with most rabbis. I like Orthodox Judaism and most of my friends are Orthodox.

Shiksa responds: "Why do you continually seek the approval of people who stand in judgement of how you have earned a living. When they themselves have not been upstanding in your community. Who knows if those Rabbi’s aren’t sexual predators? I am sure the woman I speak of thought she knew her Rabbi’s too!"

Because I admire some of such people. I want approval from those I respect.

I no longer write on porn so this is no longer an issue for me.

The rabbis who ejected me, to the best of my knowledge, are good people. I respect them…

I guess one answer to your question is psychological. I’m still seeking the approval of my strict father figure while simultaneously making rebellious choices that eliminate any chance for approval so that I will feel conflicted and unhappy and endless replay my childhood seeking healing from those early traumas.

The shiksa responds: "Why do your respect them? Why do you think they are better than you? Faith comes from within. You have to trust yourself expect good to come but not because you reformed. Give your parents a break they weren’t given a book about BEING A GOOD PARENT when you were born. They did the best they could now, your life is up to you. No one sets out to be the BAD GUY your parents weren’t trying to ruin you. Dennis Prager won’t make or break you either. Enjoy your life move toward happiness DANCE, GET DRUNK AND HAVE FUN. Your life might change! Get out of your comfort zone and maybe, get away from the people and places you know to explore the fun of life, if you fear judgement! On your death bed won’t you regret not doing everything life has to offer?"

I only respect those who are finer than I am… I don’t respect all Orthodox Jews or rabbis as better than me.

I don’t care about faith.

I dont castigate my parents.

If I lived in such fear of judgment, I couldn’t write as openly as I do.

After I told my friend that my goal was to earn $30 a day (I’m currently at $5 a day) from Google AdSense, thus spake Amalek: "You aim so low in life.  The best thing that could happen to you know would be for your landlord to decide that he needs the garage space for something else, and thereby force you to confront your true options in life.

"You would have done so much better to begin a regular podcast on popular culture, morphing that into a radio show, and thence, maybe, into television.

"The facts are these:  my ideas are more than sound, and he who follows them will become rich.  The alternative?  Living in a garage."