* About three years ago, I made the mistake of telling this nine-year-old girl that I smoke cigars (she had been propagandized at school that this was evil). I was kidding. I do not smoke anything. Ever since, however, she has grown a big frown whenever she’s seen me and she starts hating on me. "You’re a smoker!" I try to tell her that I was just kidding but she doesn’t believe me. She’s about to celebrate her bat mitzvah and she treats me like dirt. One of these days, I need to tell her, "It is not appropriate for you to talk to an adult that way."
* I was at a potluck the other day. The kugel looked particularly appetizing. As I opened my mouth, I inadvertently sent a fine spray of saliva over the whole thing.
* This past week, when I talked up Kundalini Yoga to people, they told me that it does not give them a strong enough workout. "If you’re primarily looking for a workout, Kundalini Yoga is not for you," I respond. "It is for people who want a total experience of chanting, meditating, lecture, stretching, workout."
* I had a delicious breakfast burrito at Schwartz’s Bakery on Pico Sunday morning. I ask my shiksa, "Have you ever had a boyfriend who cheated on you?"
"Once," she replies.
"How did you find out?"
"I saw it in my dream. I’m really intuitive and when something is going wrong with someone who is close to me, I feel it. I dreamed he was kissing this girl Sarah. I called him about it and he eventually confessed.
"He was really straight. He didn’t drink. He went to church every Sunday. All guys who don’t drink are cheaters. They are so straight in everything else, they cheat sexually.
"I have a Mexican friend who was married to an illegal alien. She told me, ‘All men who don’t drink are cheaters.’ She deported him."
