My CFS makes the outside world a frequently scary place because I am just not strong enough, much of the time, to tackle it.
Despite all my yoga and Alexander Technique and healthy eating and meditation and therapy, I’ve been plunged into a relapse of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome the past two weeks.
I feel my body and head racing. It’s like my immune system has gone haywire and is waging a jihad against me. It’s like my internal motor is revving too high and the only thing I can do to bring it down is to lie down for days on end. I feel overwhelmed. I feel feverish. I feel frustrated and hopeless. How can I ever accomplish anything while feeling so bushed? I drag myself to Alexander Technique class every weekday but I don’t leave my hovel over the weekends, not even for shul. I have not gone to yoga in six days. I’ve just battened down the hatches and am trying to wait this thing out. It’s just so damn frustrating.
I’ve always recovered from my CFS relapses but sometimes I’m weak for weeks on end. It makes it so hard to plan for my life. I sign up for yoga and then I’m too sick to go. I’d love to go back to school, but on days like this there’s no way I could walk to class and back, let alone keep up with the work load.
(On the other hand, several of my classmates have been out sick for a week or more, so maybe I just got what they got and I am powering through it in the manly uncomplaining manner for which I am known.)
As I was walking back to my car on Monday, I noticed that someone had smashed my right front mirror. I’ve spent two afternoons taking it to the shop to get fixed and they never have the right part. Now they say to bring it back Thursday. Meanwhile I am driving around without a right side mirror, my head hanging out the window, looking desperately for a chance to change lanes.
My debts are up. My energy is down. My blog is dying.
No woman, no cry.
