I Am A Bad Jew

I went for a walk Sunday afternoon and paused beside Elat market where kids had competing lulav/etrog stands.

A nice young kid offered me a set for $35. I seized the deal.

We were immediately surrounded by other kids telling me not to buy from the young one. That his merchandise was third-rate.

I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I didn’t care. I was shopping on price not quality. Some years I haven’t even been able to afford a set (dating five shiksas a week gets expensive). How embarrassing was that to stand in shul while everyone else was waving their lulav and all I was waving was the latest Philip Roth novel.

Oy, the shame!

All I want is a set that will pass inspection at shul. I don’t want to be ashamed of my third-rate lulav. I just want something to wave with a bit of citrus and some twigs. I just want to do the mitzvah and then go back to the great American novel and my vivid fantasy life.

"Your etrog doesn’t even have a pitim," says one lad.

"That’s OK," I reply. "I don’t want one."

If I buy an etrog with a pitim and then it brakes off with all the energetic shaking I give it, then I get kicked out of shul and I might as well go off and tear toilet paper on Shabbat and remember just how funny I thought I was being on my blog when I condemned myself to eternally burning Jewfire.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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