So after 30 months, the time has come for me to part with my therapist (my fifth long-term therapist) as she moves on to a different center. I had one therapist on and off for seven years but I prefer to change them up every year or two. Endings are something I usually prefer to ignore or to deal with in an off-hand way. I felt awkward when she said it had been a privilege to work with me and how much she enjoyed it. It is not easy for me to allow people into my heart. There was something different about her face and manner on this our last day. She glowed. I want to say her face was luminous but I hear that word doesn’t have a useful definition. This was an important time for her.
I felt awkward telling her how much I appreciated her good work, which I do. I felt awkward talking about our parting. I felt relief that this person who knows me so well is moving on and I can get a new therapist who does not know me. About 99% of the time, I prefer not to care about people because when I care, that impinges on my autonomy and limits my speech and it is often messy and awkward and scary and embarrassing. I have a hard time feeling and expressing care for others and allowing them to express that to me.