My Trip Back To LA

Surfers Paradise. Thursday morning. I got caught in a rip tide and dragged into a bunch of teen girls learning to surf. I fought every meter but you can’t beat mother nature. I am the victim here.

Brisbane airport, Friday morning. My flight has a 250 pound stewardess but no obvious Muslims.

I did not spend a dollar on my trip, my family spoiled me.

Chaim Amalek: “Just think how much you would be saving by living with them full time.”

I left my work ethic in Australia 30 years ago, but despite glancing around during the ads, can’t find it. I miss my teen girl surfers.

Sit in the plane. There’s a Muslim lady all covered up with an adorable baby.

Chaim Amalek: “Yidden of LA — one of your own is tempted to go off the derech and live amongst the Wallabys and other goyim of Australia! Show him how valued and treasured a member of his community he is by greeting him upon his return to LA with a hearty cheer and a welcome back party.

“I will wager that the pouch of the average Kangaroo is warmer and more welcoming to Luke than are the homes and hearts of the average modern orthodox Jew in LA.”

“It has always been Luke’s dream to be the honored dignitary at one of those dinners the Modern Orthodox are always throwing for one another. The kind where the wives show some cleavage.”

I arrive at LAX 6 am Friday. I am the only Jew on bus amidst lots of blacks and Mexicans and poor Asians, but I have no complaints about LA Metro bus service. It’s not the nightmare I feared.

A fat beggar boards the bus. I recognize him from the streets of Pico Blvd in 90035. When we get off the Culver 6 bus at Pico, he puts his yarmulke on. Better to beg with, I guess.

Chaim Amalek: “I take it you were not greeting at the airport by any welcoming Modern Orthodox Jews.”

“Your bus is the future of America.”

“I saw an ad for a new kind of air conditioning system. It is very simple. You blow the hot air past a group of Modern orthodox Jews davening and out comes cold air.”

Mass transit back to reality.

Amalek: “In the future, his kind will find themselves walking along the side of the road, moving their possessions in a cart while free trading Asians glide on by in Mexican-built Buicks.”

It is so good to be back home on my favorite seat cushions after all those hard Aussie seats, and now I’m sipping a protein smoothie. I almost decided to move to Australia at one point on my trip but they don’t have the equivalent of for cheap protein powders and supplements.

I took two packs of kashi kosher protein bars as emergency rations to Australia and brought the same two packets home unopened.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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