I grew up a Seventh-Day Adventist and in the Church we got many warnings about the perils of cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. That was one part of my upbringing that I never rejected (I smoked a few cigarettes in third grade and got drunk at my high school graduation, other than that, I did not indulge in these vices).
I think it was seventh grade when I first realized I had an addictive personality though I probably didn’t have that vocabulary yet. I finished five marathons at age 12. I knew that was a little weird, that I was a tad extreme, that I was using running to get away from my loneliness and misery. I began to notice my pattern of obsession and extremism and at some point in high school, I think, I began telling people I had an addictive personality, that’s why I wouldn’t touch drugs or alcohol, but I didn’t have much of a clue about what addiction meant until I started 12-stepping for my various emotional addictions in 2011.
Despite my years of therapy in my 20 and 30s, it was only in my 40s that I really got serious about tackling myself and my self-destructive impulses.
I don’t like stopping myself from doing what I want. I only take that on when doing what I want causes me more pain than stopping myself and changing.
I tell my therapist that I really wish I could just finesse things a bit so that I could basically do what I want. I keep thinking, if I can just catch a break here, I can do what I want and get what is good for me, only I keep stumbling and failing and feeling horrible when I do what I want without regard for others.
