After 44 Months, I’m Gonna Shave Off My Beard

I just made a deal tonight to get financing for the rest of my Alexander Technique teacher training. As a condition for this loan, I’ve agreed to stay clean-shaven for at least the first year of my Alexander Technique private practice.

I’m gonna miss my beard and the street cred it gives me on Pico Blvd.

Chaim Amalek emails: Kudos to your family (I assume) for using financial leverage to get you to shave the beard. But shouldn’t you also be thinking like a Jew and using this as a business opportunity to make more money? I’ll bet there are people out there who would pay big money for the experience of shaving off that thing. So let it out to bids and see what and who comes in.

Also, the return of your naturally goyishe look to the public domain will remind others that you are a ger (convert), tempt you to return to pornojournalism, and might even lead to mixed dancing.

PS WHY did you never sport paias to match that beard?

PPS 1. When is the blessed event? Will it be streamed live over the web?
2. Who will do the shaving/cutting?
3. Will this necessitate moving to a new shul, if only to avoid having to offer explanations? (It shouldn’t. Tell the nosy that you are doing this partly to appeal to more women, so that you might marry and have a family, which would present you with more opportunities for mitzvot than growing a beard.)
4. What about the side locks or Peos, as we torah-savvy yidden call them? Why were they never so prominent as the beast, if indeed they were there at all?
5. Is the the beginning of the end for super orthodox Luke? If the beard goes, then why not the chassidisus caftan, the belief in Chazal and all the inconvenient rest? Once you begin cutting back, where does it end? Or does it?

Khunrum emails: Luke is shaving the beard? Will he be buying a new black suit? I think it would be very professional looking to Alexanderize clients wearing a black suit.

More training? I thought you were finished. How much training do you need to get someone to sit up straight f’crissakes. My mother used to improve my Alexander by yelling at me during dinner when I was a wee lad.

Bob emails: Add it up, guys.

The credit cards are maxed.
The hovel is slated for demolition.
“YML” is off line.
The beard comes off.
Luke fakes his death.
He reemerges as Fievel Hymen in six months ready to straighten postures and bang shiksas anew.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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