I’m Live On My Cam!

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Emma: Is it peaceful in shul?
guest85:  its only peaceful when suntanning in the back yard of ones house
Emma:  He looks peaceful when he is sunbathing…
russiandragon:  Bringin’ On the Heartbreak
guest85:  nude sunbathing is the ultimate in peacefullness
russiandragon:  ok guys c u later (perhaps)
russiandragon:  byeeeeeee
russiandragon:  i’ll try to make it quick and painless
Emma:  What?
russiandragon:  it has been nice meeting you all
User HollyRandall entered the room.
HollyRandall:  omg luke you look… um…
HollyRandall:  crazy? homeless? not sure how to put it
HollyRandall:  actually you look perfect for your upcoming portrait
YourMoralLeader:  hey
YourMoralLeader:  thank you
YourMoralLeader:  smooth talker
YourMoralLeader:  you always could charm my pants right off me
YourMoralLeader:  I cut my own hair this week, Holly.
YourMoralLeader:  I’ll do yours for $20.
HollyRandall:  haha
HollyRandall:  yeah right
YourMoralLeader:  Holly, I’d like you to meet my future wife — Emma.
YourMoralLeader:  Emma, this is Holly.
Emma:  Hi Holly
HollyRandall:  you poor dear
YourMoralLeader:  Try to hide your jealousy, Holly.
Emma:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  I’m sorry Holly, but I had to trade you in for a younger model.
HollyRandall:  riiiight
YourMoralLeader:  Holly, meet honorable wife #2 — Gina.
YourMoralLeader:  Holly, Emma and I would like to hire you to photograph our wedding and do the catering. How much would that be?
Gina:  always a bridesmaid
Emma:  Hey Khun
KhunDiddy:  Hi Kids
YourMoralLeader:  Hey pops, meet Holly.
KhunDiddy:  Holly? Hi Holly
HollyRandall:  i only shoot the consummation, not the actual wedding
KhunDiddy:  Holly I know you love Luke but he’s smitten with Emma now
Gina:  your late then
KhunDiddy:  do you feel rejected
Gina:  lukes connsumated emma many times…
Gina:  in his mind
KhunDiddy:  heart to heart….hands accross the water
HollyRandall:  rejected? more like i dodged a bullet
Emma:  lol
KhunDiddy:  love knows no bounds
Gina:  thats about the size of it
KhunDiddy:  don’t give Luke up Emma
HollyRandall:  luke’s only bounds is that he won’t take his socks off
Gina:  but luke’s a good shot
Emma:  Nope
HollyRandall:  is that still true?
Emma:  lol
HollyRandall:  cause that just kills me
User guest103 left the room.
HollyRandall:  mismatched ones, too
KhunDiddy:  Emma won’t mind if Luke keeps his socks on….it’s cold over there in Old Blarney
Gina:  safe socks?
KhunDiddy:  Emma will you make love to Luke if he has his socks on?
HollyRandall:  hey Luke when my photo book comes out i’m going to send you a signed copy, but i’ll put black tape over all the naughty bits so you don’t relapse
YourMoralLeader:  Thank you
YourMoralLeader:  I’ve always loved the way you shoot green beans.
KhunDiddy:  we all want to se those photos Holly
YourMoralLeader:  Your book is coming out this decade?
HollyRandall:  yeah i’m getting a late start on my veggie garden this year
HollyRandall:  yes
KhunDiddy:  naturally we don’t want to pay for them though
HollyRandall:  i’ve submitted the last of my images
HollyRandall:  signed the contract
YourMoralLeader:  I heard you got busted on federal obscenity charges, Holly? I’ll visit you in prison.
HollyRandall:  it will be out before the end of the year
Gina:  hows your patch?
KhunDiddy:  great
KhunDiddy:  sens me a copu….gratis
YourMoralLeader:  Who’s publishing? Will you be writing anything in there or is it just all flesh?
HollyRandall:  nah i don’t shoot girls doing enemas and shooting them into other people’s mouth
KhunDiddy:  Luke should write the intro
HollyRandall:  mouths
HollyRandall:  all flesh baby
YourMoralLeader:  publisher?
HollyRandall:  Goliath Books is the publisher
YourMoralLeader:  they’re faves of mine
KhunDiddy:  Luke will you write a forward to Holly’s book?
YourMoralLeader:  If Emma says that’s ok>
KhunDiddy:  Emma?
YourMoralLeader:  Mazal tov, Holly.
KhunDiddy:  are you jealous?
KhunDiddy:  Emma
KhunDiddy:  will you be jealous if Luke writes a forward to Holly’s book?
HollyRandall:  Luke why do I have a feeling Emma is another keyboard next to the one you’re using?
YourMoralLeader:  Because you have a cold cynical heart, Holly.
KhunDiddy:  I’ve sen her   she has a great eye
HollyRandall:  that’s true
YourMoralLeader:  what’s your favorite boy band, Holly?
russiandragonsghost:  strange the heartache is still the same
russiandragonsghost:  strange since i technically don’t have a heart
russiandragonsghost:  peacefull here
russiandragonsghost:  i see a man with a beard
russiandragonsghost:  it’s not luke
russiandragonsghost:  it’s G-d i think
YourMoralLeader:  All we need is Rev. Des.
Emma:  Why g-d
Emma:  aha luke
russiandragonsghost:  we cannot pronounce his name
Emma:  Icing on the cake
russiandragonsghost:  he says i was stupid
Emma:  Why?
russiandragonsghost:  to committ suicide
Emma:  Why can’t you say his name
YourMoralLeader:  is there no one who you fear to say their name, emma?
YourMoralLeader:  Like your fave IRA leader?
Emma:  I don’t fear God
russiandragonsghost:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  the ones you hide in your basement
Emma:  No interest in the IRA
russiandragonsghost:  mm
Emma:  I don’t have a basement
YourMoralLeader:  Do you have a workman’s entrance?
Emma:  lol
Emma:  No
russiandragonsghost:  i think there are warts there
Emma:  warts are gone!
Emma:  lol
Emma:  All burnt off
Emma:  As of today
russiandragonsghost:  it’s peacefull here
mee:  HI Luke
YourMoralLeader:  hi
Emma:  Hiya Mee
HollyRandall:  you know what sucks about this chat thing?
YourMoralLeader:  what?
HollyRandall:  if you try to scroll up to read what you’ve missed, once someone writes in something new you get pushed back down to the bottom
YourMoralLeader:  Holly, is it ok to dress up like a Nazi for sexual reasons?
mee:  Whats with the thing  coming from your ears????
Emma:  Yep
YourMoralLeader:  Holly, just go to lukeford.net and I have the best bits there.
Emma:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  All the naughty bits.
KhunDiddy:  have to say GOOD DAY wifey wants to watch her Thai programs on the computer..Be Well Friends
YourMoralLeader:  I have to work on my social skills.
Emma:  Why
russiandragonsghost:  he has none
Emma:  Don’t we all
Emma:  From time to time..
YourMoralLeader:  into the file
Emma:  Getting bigger..
YourMoralLeader:  when I look at you
Emma:  lmao
Welshdragon:  not very moral boss!!
Emma:  shhh
Welshdragon:  just out of interest how big you planning on growing ya beard?
YourMoralLeader:  Emma, when you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Emma:  Guess
diedfromheartache:  singer
YourMoralLeader:  singer
Emma:  Correct
Emma:  My teachers couldn’t get me to shut up
YourMoralLeader:  What crowd did you hang out with in high school?
Emma:  I sang everywhere
Emma:  I had a few frineds
Emma:  The unpopular crowd
Emma:  And I always said to myself
Emma:  I will be somebody one day….
YourMoralLeader:  what do you love and hate about yourself?
YourMoralLeader:  Funny, I said that same thing over and over. Look what happened.
Emma:  lol
Emma:  You are someone Luke
Emma:  Special
YourMoralLeader:  πŸ™‚
Emma:  πŸ™‚
diedfromheartache:  πŸ™‚
diedfromheartache:  let’s all smile
diedfromheartache:  πŸ™‚
Emma:  I hate that I care so much about people sometimes
Emma:  Even when they don’t care about me
YourMoralLeader:  Dragon!@
diedfromheartache:  what
Welshdragon:  ffs i’m off to get a tissue!!
Emma:  I love…
Emma:  lmao!
Welshdragon:  i was popular-no worries!!
Emma:  I love that i’m different…
diedfromheartache:  i care too much
Emma:  lol welsh
Welshdragon:  over the moon!!
Emma:  And far away..
YourMoralLeader:  from me?
YourMoralLeader:  I was told to introduce myself to Emma: There’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but there’s this.
WELSH:  thisd one time at band camp-emma had this itch!!
Emma:  Ok this one time… at band camp
Emma:  I had this itch
Emma:  lol
WELSH:  she went to the gp’s
Emma:  I did
WELSH:  and the doc said..
Emma:  its
Emma:  Low Lunar Orbit?
WELSH:  every time there a low lunar orbit emma gets the itch, now i won’t go into where i think thats for emmas discrection
Emma:  All over Welsh
Emma:  It’s crazy!
YourMoralLeader:  do you get violent before your monthly emma?
Emma:  lmao… yes
Emma:  I go green and turn into a monster
Emma:  Start smashing things
ChaimAmalek:  OMG, I missed out on chatting with the woman I wanted to marry, back when I wanted to marry a woman, Miss Holly Randall
ChaimAmalek:  But Luke insisted that I back off.
Emma:  Do you want to marry a man now?
ChaimAmalek:  I am asexual now
Emma:  aha
ChaimAmalek:  I am thinking about the priesthood
Emma:  hmmm
ChaimAmalek:  This music makes me want to sell all of my earthly possessions and move to a monastery
ChaimAmalek:  And chant, light candles, chant some more.  Maybe bury the victims of plague
Emma:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  The robes of a monk favor my figure
Emma:  lol tut tut
ChaimAmalek:  Emma, the next time you see a rainbow, imagine that the far end of it leads to Luke’s pants
russiandragon:  ewwwwwww
russiandragon:  now i won’t sleep 4 sure
ChaimAmalek:  I need to try that.  But the homeless in NY are not at the same level as what shows up in your shuls
ChaimAmalek:  I’m thinking of going to Eliot Spitzer’s temple, or the one he would go to if he went to one, Temple Emmanuel.  Its the one for billionaire reform jews
ChaimAmalek:  I will drive the money changers from the temple in my monk’s garb
User guest122 left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  Some, where, over the rain-bow, skies are blue
Emma:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  And Luke’s pants will await you there for a taste in shul
ChaimAmalek:  Christians have all the best music.
Emma:  I agree
ChaimAmalek:  Jewish liturgical music is terrible old man coughing up phlegm music
Emma:  lol lovley
russiandragon:  ok bk
ChaimAmalek:  Who is this Jew?
Emma:  lol
Emma:  wb
ChaimAmalek:  He sounds like the sort who pollute our culture.
ChaimAmalek:  Typical semite.
russiandragon:  you like the new guestbook entry emma
ChaimAmalek:  This is what it sounds like when Jews get together.  Emma, are you up for this?
User Emma left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  That, and haggling
Emma:  Say again Chaim
Emma:  Russian you turned me greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen
ChaimAmalek:  This is what it sounds like when jews get together.  Emma are you up for a lifetime of listening to this?
russiandragon:  you said you turned green
Emma:  Lol Chaim
russiandragon:  i wanted to see that for myself
ChaimAmalek:  Jews.
Emma:  I don’t wanna be green πŸ™
ChaimAmalek:  Jews that make  it hard for decent Jews like me.
russiandragon:  well by your own admission
russiandragon:  you turned green
ChaimAmalek:  I try to live an unobjectionable life,yet I am called to task for the cultural pollution of others
russiandragon:  and become a monster
russiandragon:  :p
russiandragon:  now we can see
Emma:  Yeah it was a joke
russiandragon:  mm
ChaimAmalek:  New Nuremberg laws would begin with denying Jews access to the internet
russiandragon:  i guess i better go to bed
ChaimAmalek:  If we could but Christianize our television and blogs and the like, all would be well
ChaimAmalek:  rd, where do youlive?
russiandragon:  in belgium
russiandragon:  chaim
ChaimAmalek:  so it is late.
russiandragon:  yes very
ChaimAmalek:  Lots of Muslims there plotting your doom
ChaimAmalek:  day and night
russiandragon:  yes i know
ChaimAmalek:  Women in veils, and white men in retreat
Emma:  its not funnnnnnnnnnnny
ChaimAmalek:  Who can say what this fellow cackles at?
ChaimAmalek:  What’s not funny?
russiandragon:  they won’t blow up the place where they live
ChaimAmalek:  New Nuremberg laws would begin with denying Jews access to the internet
ChaimAmalek:  If we could but Christianize our television and blogs and the like, all would be well
ChaimAmalek:  rd, where do youlive?
russiandragon:  in belgium
russiandragon:  chaim
ChaimAmalek:  so it is late.
russiandragon:  yes very
ChaimAmalek:  Lots of Muslims there plotting your doom
ChaimAmalek:  day and night
russiandragon:  yes i know
ChaimAmalek:  Women in veils, and white men in retreat
ChaimAmalek:  Who can say what this fellow cackles at?
ChaimAmalek:  What’s not funny?
russiandragon:  they won’t blow up the place where they live
ChaimAmalek:  but they will blow up their subways and the like
ChaimAmalek:  There have been plots
russiandragon:  yup
russiandragon:  they have all been foiled
ChaimAmalek:  I saw that movie short from the Netherlands on Islam before it got pulled.
ChaimAmalek:  Scary stuff.
ChaimAmalek:  words you don’t want to hear on a subway:  "Aluahu Akbar!"
ChaimAmalek:  As the sun sets over LA, Luke prepares to greet his sabbath queen
russiandragon:  he washes himself
russiandragon:  great
ChaimAmalek:  This music makes me want to go to church
russiandragon:  once a week
russiandragon:  before the sabbat
Emma:  You can hear music?
russiandragon:  yes
ChaimAmalek:  When’s the next big Christian holiday?
russiandragon:  i hear angels
ChaimAmalek:  Christians need more holidays
russiandragon:  no seriously  i hear piano
ChaimAmalek:  Asdo I
ChaimAmalek:  nice Christian-composed music
russiandragon:  have you ever been in belgium chaim
Emma:  I must be deaf
ChaimAmalek:  Nope
russiandragon:  you should visit antwerp
russiandragon:  jew capital of b elgium
ChaimAmalek:  Belgium should have been partitioned in 1915 to end the war. part to France, the rest to Holland,and the colonies to Germany
Emma:  You ever been to Ireland Chaim?
russiandragon:  i bet he would like to
ChaimAmalek:  No, but if you invite me and promise to fix me up with say, a classmate, I might go
Emma:  lol
Emma:  I’ll think about it………
russiandragon:  the irish touristboard will thank you emma
ChaimAmalek:  I promise to behave, as I have no sexual impulses to taint a simple shared cup of tea
russiandragon:  since you are here
Emma:  Of course
russiandragon:  everyone wants to go and visit ireland
ChaimAmalek:  The problem is that the dollar is soooooo weak now
Emma:  Indeed!
ChaimAmalek:  We get screwed with paying for things in Euros
Emma:  True
russiandragon:  yup
ChaimAmalek:  Stuff that used to cost us a dollar is now, what, $1.60?
russiandragon:  people go and buy tgheir iphones in the states
ChaimAmalek:  Our economy is increasingly pathetic
Emma:  Ridiculas
ChaimAmalek:  How much is oil in Belgium/Ireland?
russiandragon:  bloody expensive
Emma:  Not sure…
russiandragon:  brb
Emma:  What age are you Chaim?
ChaimAmalek:  Very old
Emma:  How old is very old
russiandragon:  lukes age
ChaimAmalek:  Well, I could be Luke’s dad
russiandragon:  that makes you very very old
ChaimAmalek:  But age is just a number, so if you have any 18 year old friends who want to hook up with me, well, I would, but I can’t and I mean that literally
Emma:  Your only as old as you feel
ChaimAmalek:  I feel around 65 these days
Emma:  lol
russiandragon:  yup try
ChaimAmalek:  Hence, my answer
ChaimAmalek:  Luke further prepares for the shabbos queen
ChaimAmalek:  Excitedly wondering what mitzvas he will do
Emma:  Indeed
ChaimAmalek:  Soon, this channel will end
russiandragon:  sniff
ChaimAmalek:  His shabbos best.
russiandragon:  i will become even more depressed
Emma:  You look good Luke
ChaimAmalek:  I am too old to go to my temple, Young Israel
ChaimAmalek:  And that is saying something
ChaimAmalek:  I wonder how far he must walk to get to temple.
ChaimAmalek:  And do the neighborhood children tug on his fringes?
Emma:  I dont have sound
russiandragon:  maybe the homeless do
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, is there an eruv in your community?
russiandragon:  yippy skippy
ChaimAmalek:  Got an eruv?
russiandragon:  do boald people have to wear a yarmulke
ChaimAmalek:  Not if they wear a toupe?  I don’t know. this luke can discuss in temple tomorrow
YourMoralLeader:  I give the kids brachas wherever I go
russiandragon:  if so, do they stick it on
YourMoralLeader:  Yes, there’s an eruv
ChaimAmalek:  So you get to carry things
ChaimAmalek:  Like you keys

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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