‘Thanks to the Lord for giving me this Mexican to water my lawn and blow my leaves away’

I’ve got the Luke Ford Fan Blogger in my live cam chat tonight (then Eliot Stein joined us):

CXXX:  so how long does luke actually sit on here at night?
Wookie:  should pull out a belt for s**ts and giggles
CXXX:  Luke, do you talk about porn much anymore? or is it all this God stuff fulltime
QuietStorm:  SHALOM everyone
ChaimAmalek:  There should be a blessing for entering a chat room
guest342:  god digs porn
ChaimAmalek:  And another for leaving it
ChaimAmalek:  "God Bless this blog"  That’s yet ANOTHER book you could be writing.
Wookie:  just take the chat transcripts and publish those
ChaimAmalek:  Blessings for modern live
ChaimAmalek:  life
ChaimAmalek:  "Blessed be this personal ad"
ChaimAmalek:  "Blessed by the All-Mighty who created this woman for me to have sex with"
guest342:  god ..save me from ur followers
Wookie:  thats why god invented porn
ChaimAmalek:  Thanks to the Lord for giving me this Mexican to water my lawn and blow my leaves away"
ChaimAmalek:  This fool laughs at the good, monetizable ideas I give him every day
User guest342 changed their name to BackAlleySally.

Wookie:  the guy is laughing because he thought it was a joke
ChaimAmalek:  Instead of writing books about the quality of chairs in jewish temples, he should be writing these books
ChaimAmalek:  Hotcakes to goyim
YourMoralLeader:  I came upon your synagogue rating while I was checking some mail on a google group today.  I run an agency in Philadelphia that works to strengthen synagogues in order to enable them to engage members, potential members and even visitors.  For that reaso
ChaimAmalek:  In fact, goyim would snap up these titles: "The poor man’s guide to successful dating in LA"
User guest343 left the room.
BackAlleySally:  why do church spires have lightning rods ..just a lil odd
ChaimAmalek:  "Modern Blessings for Modern Times"
ChaimAmalek:  "How to set up your own congregation via the internet"
ChaimAmalek:  "The Hovel: What I Saw"
Wookie:  a bookshelf and a puter
ChaimAmalek:  "Young Women: God’s Viagra for the Older Man"
ChaimAmalek:  "Why I Want America’s Strapping Young Men to Go to War So that I can Boff Their Women"
ChaimAmalek:  Many years have I counseled you on monetizing yourself, but you never never listen to A M A L E K
ChaimAmalek:  Listen to that sick cackle
ChaimAmalek:  Thesselonians Letter to Pelegesh: Ford the Junior Interprets Bloggings Predicted Demise
BackAlleySally:  fk me u need a new music injection up ur morals
BackAlleySally:  stop drinkin piss!!!
ChaimAmalek:  Hey, is that the voice of that stick figure woman who starved herself to death?
ChaimAmalek:  I like Mormon chicks.
ChaimAmalek:  I want a Mormon chick.
ChaimAmalek:  I want 4 Mormon chicks.  I was in a Mormon bookstore a few days ago.
BackAlleySally:  i like moron chicks
ChaimAmalek:  Spookier than Jewish bookstores, but in a good way, because in the art work, all the chicks are young and hot and blonde
BackAlleySally:  dumb girls dont say no
ChaimAmalek:  Even the ones in Jesus’s physical embrace
BackAlleySally:  wtf is this s**te!!!
ChaimAmalek:  I want a smart, true-blue Mormon chickee who wants me to have four wives
ChaimAmalek:  You see that blanket?
BackAlleySally:  can u have more than one wife with a mormon??
ChaimAmalek:  As many as you like….if you belong to the right group of renegade mormons
ChaimAmalek:  I want a mormon because I like how they live and how they look.
BackAlleySally:  i want a renegade mormon chick too
ChaimAmalek:  Mormon chicks are so hot.
BackAlleySally:  where can u get one of those
ChaimAmalek:  Take an annoying Upper West Side Sex in the City watching bi*ch, invert her, and you have yourself a mormon
BackAlleySally:  stick ur system up ur ass!!!!!
BackAlleySally:  is there a mormon chick forum???
ChaimAmalek:  To me, these tapes Luke listens to are akin to lectures by the Maoists of Peru.  I mean, I’m sure they have something to say, but my brain cannot process
ChaimAmalek:  Mormon wives stay hot.
ChaimAmalek:  They don’t pig out, even after 12 kids
BackAlleySally:  its the voice ..great if u have insomnia
ChaimAmalek:  Look, no matter what this guy says, if you want to sell something, be a hot looking woman with a great rack.
ChaimAmalek:  A great rack beats any other selling system. 
ChaimAmalek:  "Look at these boobs and buy my stuff, Okay?"
BackAlleySally:  well this system s**t sucks ass,im off to find a mormon chick
User BackAlleySally left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  I’venever had my heart crushed by a Mormon chick. When Mormon missionairies get on the No. 2 train, I never feel the hairs stand up on the back of  my neck.
ChaimAmalek:  I also might like Scientology chicks, provided they have first been commanded by their masters in their "church" to have sex with me
ChaimAmalek:  In general, I want a cute cult chick who has been ordered to seduce me
ChaimAmalek:  That way, I don’t have to pay for any pepsis.
ChaimAmalek:  I’ll bet if I weighed less than 250 pounds, I could get mormon chicks
guest353:  NO U COULDNT
ChaimAmalek:  A man can dream
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, you are a manof the world.  Have you ever had a Mormon or a Scientologist?
ChaimAmalek:  I’ll bet you could win lots of converts from Mormonism to Judaism, if you set yourself to it.
YourMoralLeader:  no
User RussianDragon left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  All this for $6/day?
ChaimAmalek:  Luke, you are a happy man, but you are nuts.
guest353:  6.50
ChaimAmalek:  My ideas are worth tons more than this crap you spend your days on
User guest353 left the room.
YourMoralLeader:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  It is a fact
ChaimAmalek:  You should defer to my judgement on these matters because, after all, it is I who am the born Jew here.  You are only Jewish by practice and belief.
ChaimAmalek:  I am Federal Reserve, you are a Credit Union
ChaimAmalek:  I just heard this song.
ChaimAmalek:  Don’t you have the good stuff, like Golden Earing or the Ramones?
ChaimAmalek:  Play some Ramones.
YourMoralLeader:  almost time to daven
ChaimAmalek:  Or better yet, Joy Division
ChaimAmalek:  Will we get to see Daven Cam?
ChaimAmalek:  Daven while listening to Joy Division
nicholas:  Modern Orthodoxy is my favourite type of Judaism.
xptlurker:  the gangs all here
nicholas:  Oh God, your porn friends have turned up.
YourMoralLeader:  give me more, more more
xptlurker:  that’s G-d to you, bub
xptlurker:  shake it, fatman
nicholas:  I love this song!
xptlurker:  luke, is your cam frozen?
nicholas:  You need to interview Andrea True about her porn career. She is 64 now!
User xptlurker changed their name to YourOralLeader.
YourOralLeader:  whore whore whore
nicholas:  And you like granny porn.
YourOralLeader:  yeah, with Suze Randall
YourMoralLeader:  be on good behavior, there’s an Orthodox girl in here
nicholas:  Who?
YourOralLeader:  relative of fatman?
YourOralLeader:  this is the best part of the trip
YourMoralLeader:  I’m taking requests
YourOralLeader:  any Taste of Honey?
YourOralLeader:  did you play this kind of stuff for Holly?
YourMoralLeader:  yeah, she hated it
YourMoralLeader:  so, how is your relationship with HaShem?
YourOralLeader:  hashish?
YourOralLeader:  did you discuss beards with CXXX?
User YourOralLeader changed their name to torahtorahtorah.
torahtorahtorah:  how about Chic Le Freak?
nicholas:  THis is kinda sad. All we are doing is watching you eat.
nicholas:  I think there is hockey game on TV.
torahtorahtorah:  I am trying to watch porn on cam4
nicholas:  You need to invite Eliot Stein here, so I can give him a peace of my mind.
torahtorahtorah:  luke’s cam is moving now, awesome
torahtorahtorah:  who needs porn?
nicholas:  What are you eating?
torahtorahtorah:  luke’s life is a performance
nicholas:  A modestly interesting performance.
torahtorahtorah:  luke, have you ever considered broadcasting on cam4.com?
YourMoralLeader:  anyone gone jogging in a skirt?
torahtorahtorah:  not me
torahtorahtorah:  not even a kilt
torahtorahtorah:  "I like to video chat in VERY large rooms. I like to have many, many people watching me while I play. Major turn on." – Miss Komodo
nicholas:  cam4.com is porn. I just checked it out.
nicholas:  Don’t do it Luke!!!!!!!!
torahtorahtorah:  it’s not all porn
torahtorahtorah:  just kinda porny
torahtorahtorah:  like Luke
YourMoralLeader:  like bananarama?
nicholas:  It’s looks to be just men masturbating.
nicholas:  EEEEwwwwwww!
torahtorahtorah:  bananarama is OK
nicholas:  Yes!
torahtorahtorah:  there is this woman on cam4 called sweeteva
torahtorahtorah:  real train wreck
nicholas:  Miss Komodo’s occupation is "Web Slut."
nicholas:  What does that mean?
nicholas:  Her cam is okay, but I don’t think it’s live.
torahtorahtorah:  most of the women arent’
torahtorahtorah:  I think that I’ve seen those rings before
nicholas:  I think Luke eating is less gross!
nicholas:  Miss Komodo needs to keep her clothes on.
torahtorahtorah:  This isn’t you, I hope – nicolas: let me see u swallow it all the way and his nuts too
nicholas:  I’m ashamed to be Canadian.
torahtorahtorah:  ever hear of this guy Brandon Iron?
nicholas:  I guess this is how Australians feel about Luke.
nicholas:  No.
torahtorahtorah:  well, you;ve got one more thing to be ashamed of then
nicholas:  The hovel looks bigger than I expected.
torahtorahtorah:  It’s like snoopy’s doghouse
Bored:  so, hillary lied again
Bored:  are we not surprised?
Bored:  love how she said she dodged bullets
torahtorahtorah:  Dennis Prager!
Bored:  rotfl
torahtorahtorah:  jesus h christ
nicholas:  You shouldn’t lie about thinks that can be easily disproved.
Bored:  she’s not going to be elected
torahtorahtorah:  this b**ch on jmeeting just pissed all over the place
nicholas:  Sinbad was there too.
Bored:  neither is obama
torahtorahtorah:  looked like a cxxx after work party
nicholas:  Is Luke shaving? I hope so.
torahtorahtorah:  quick w**k
torahtorahtorah:  that was fast
nicholas:  I guess not.
User torahtorahtorah left the room.
nicholas:  How come you wear a hat, Luke?
nicholas:  Is it a fashion statement?
YourMoralLeader:  it’s a torah statement
YourMoralLeader:  http://refinancemortgagenow.net/blog/
YourMoralLeader:  do you like that pic?
nicholas:  Miss Komodo is starting to bore me.
nicholas:  It’s just the same thing over and over.
nicholas:  I closed my Miss Komodo window. It was too graphic.
nicholas:  How about Air Supply?
nicholas:  Do you like Little River Band, too?
nicholas:  How come you type stuff and nothing shows up?
nicholas:  Private chat?
nicholas:  Styx!
nicholas:  You should start a sports blog.
nicholas:  Maybe a Dallas Cowboys blog.
nicholas:  Sports reporting is perfect for the blogging format.
YourMoralLeader:  no $$$
nicholas:  I guess.
YourMoralLeader:  best book anyone read lately?
YourMoralLeader:  i’m enjoying ralph steadman’s tome about hunter s thompson
nicholas:  I’m reading Nicholas Wade. Just started.
YourMoralLeader:  Nicholas, do you have any romantic advice for me. How best to date an Orthodox woman?
YourMoralLeader:  a relation?
nicholas:  No. I don’t think I ever even met a Jewish woman.
nicholas:  We don’t have any Jews where I live.
nicholas:  Here’s some advice. Shave. Get a hair cut. And start using Grecian formula again.
guest392:  holy s**t your still here
guest392:  dont you eat?
nicholas:  Luke eats on cam!
User guest389 left the room.
guest392:  holy randal sends her love
nicholas:  He was eating something orange. That’s all I know.
YourMoralLeader:  thank you
guest392:  got any trick daddy?
guest397 [aka Eliot Stein]:  Luke looks like he could be the "new" William F. Buckley
guest397:  passionate…yet reserved
guest397:  Nature’s Number One MEDICINE!
guest397:  You’re NOT a real converted Jew…until you try Campbell’s Chicken Soup!
guest397:  Is Luke exercising?
guest397:  ALL TOGETHER NOW–Apple Juice to the left…Apple Juice to the right
guest397:  This could be the start of a new fad!
guest397:  Throngs of Americans have left the gym behind–and have turned to Apple Juice Bottle Calisthenics!
guest397:  Tis is better than Jack Lalanne!
YourMoralLeader:  thank you
guest397:  You are Welcome.. from your secret number one fan…
guest398:  what are you doing?
YourMoralLeader:  thanks man, who r u?
guest397:  Well…
YourMoralLeader:  I’ve got tennis elbow
YourMoralLeader:  and i’m slowly building up those very sore muscles
YourMoralLeader:  too much blogging
guest397:  Who have you "SORT OF MET" in the last few years who has a great sense of humor?
YourMoralLeader:  in person?
guest397:  Despite the barriers placed between us by others…
YourMoralLeader:  oy
YourMoralLeader:  ?
guest397:  Oddly, we’ve never met in person…
guest397:  although we should someday.
guest398:  Why are growing a beard?
guest397:  Oh, yes…I guess some people don’t like my "sense of humor."
YourMoralLeader:  grrr
YourMoralLeader:  it’s a jewish thing – beard
YourMoralLeader:  have we spoken on phone?
guest397:  That’s 1 down and ten to go–Kitty Carlisle.
guest398:  Why do you think you’re Jewish?
guest397:  We’re All Jewish when it comes down to it.
YourMoralLeader:  oy
YourMoralLeader:  397, how about some more clues/
guest397:  I like the grey striped shirt–sort of like the Jewish Beach Boys.
guest397:  I’ll probably let you think about it for a while.
guest398:  397 likes bananas
guest397:  WHo told you?
guest398:  Holly
guest397:  I like bananas fried, grilled, baked, steamed…sort of like Forrest Gump.
guest398:  When did you get circumcized?
guest397:  Com’on baby…Let’s DO the APPLE TWIST
guest398:  What is he holding??
guest397:  It’s an Apple Juice bottle.
guest398:  Why??  Grape juice is so much more Jewish.
guest397:  Yes, but it’s the whole Adam and Eve things that thrills Luke.
guest398:  Wasn’t that really a quince?
guest397:  Yes, a quincedence.
guest398:  He’s wearing a "yammie".
guest397:  When I was a kid, there were two types of yamikas. Black or White. Take your pick.
guest397:  Now they got Britney Spears on them, leprachauns, Nike. It’s incredible.
guest398:  I’ve got a Gore/Lieberman yammie
guest398:  and a "Chai 5"
guest397:  Congratulations! You are GUEST 400!
guest398:  No one likes guest400
User guest400 left the room.
guest397:  Look what you did!
guest398:  Luke is thinking about converting to Islam.
guest397:  I heard.
guest397:  He’s doing it because he has trouble readinf directions–and they MAKE you figure out which is East.
guest398:  He’s going to take our picture.
guest397:  The 400 series is very antisocial.
guest398:  I think they panic when they see CXXX and thinks it’s gonna go all tranny
guest398:  He’s violating copyrights or spying for the Mossad
YourMoralLeader:  I’m photographing my tax returns to post
guest398:  I’m right … spying for the Mossad
guest397:  Your tax returns? Wouldn’t be easier just writing a big IOU?
guest398:  Don’t you have to have a job first?
AlanLudden (aka Eliot Stein):  A boy comes home from school and says: "Mom, we’ve been studying Jewish life and Jewish families…we’re doing a play…and I have the role of the Jewish Father!"…
AlanLudden:  The mother says, "You go back to the teacher right now and DEMAND A SPEAKING ROLE!"
BobEwbanks:  Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
BobEwbanks:  They’re worth it!!
BobEwbanks:  He only reads the Talmud … in English, yet.
BobEwbanks:  He’s not an essenes.
User guest407 left the room.
AlanLudden:  Why don’t they allow Jewish women on juries?
BobEwbanks:  Pray tell ..
AlanLudden:  Because they INSIST that THEY’RE GUILTY!
BobEwbanks:  I think all these 400 guests are anti-semites
AlanLudden:  Or they have termites.
BobEwbanks:  He’s spying again.  As if he pays any taxes …
BobEwbanks:  Maybe he’s going to sell pics of his taxes to fake luke
BobEwbanks:  fatman & CXXX are awfully quiet.
AlanLudden:  They are sitting Shiva.
User guest408 left the room.
BobEwbanks:  Lukes building up a belly.
AlanLudden:  It;s in his contract.
BobEwbanks:  I think he’s drinking his own urine.
BobEwbanks:  Where do you think he keeps his porn?
AlanLudden:  I just realized that I have spent an hour of my life watching Luke.
AlanLudden:  Which, I guess is better than watching Oliver Stone movies.
AlanLudden:  But will this become an addiction and change the very nature of my existence?
BobEwbanks:  No.
BobEwbanks:  Luke!!!!!!!!!!  Is interracial porn Kosher?
lubbenitup:  i’m bringing jersey jaxin to schul
lubbenitup:  the walking will do her good
BobEwbanks:  She’ll f**k up the computers.
lubbenitup:  a walk down fairfax burns 100 calories
BobEwbanks:  I think he should bring Cherish & Cali Marie.
lubbenitup:  theyd stop at canters.  theyre eating for 4
BobEwbanks:  They’d ask for mayo on there pastrami.
AlanLudden:  That would be  "their" Pastrami.
AlanLudden:  That’s an "F" in grammar.
lubbenitup:  they bring their own roast beef
BobEwbanks:  :0
AlanLudden:  Don’t make me come over there and give that "F"
YourMoralLeader:  I don’t own any porn
BobEwbanks:  Luke: Is Purim more important than Pesach?
AlanLudden:  Purim is more fun.
AlanLudden:  That’s 13 years in Hebrew School and a Bar Mitzvah talking.
BobEwbanks:  After the Moshiach will we have Pesach?
AlanLudden:  Well, this has been fun. I’ve enjoyed sharing an hour and twenty minutes of my life with you Luke and all your friends.
YourMoralLeader:  who r u?
AlanLudden:  Well I might be that Eliot guy.
AlanLudden:  Thanks for the invite.
AlanLudden:  Not ELiot Spitzer.
AlanLudden:  The other one.
AlanLudden:  In your life.
YourMoralLeader:  Oh damn
YourMoralLeader:  Eliot
YourMoralLeader:  great to see you
AlanLudden:  Yes.
YourMoralLeader:  Damn, I am sorry
YourMoralLeader:  I had no dea
YourMoralLeader:  whooops
AlanLudden:  I’ve really had fun here!
YourMoralLeader:  Thanks man!
AlanLudden:  That’s OK!
AlanLudden:  Hopefully someday we’ll be able to talk out and work out all the CRAP…of which you know has sorta been in the middle of us.
YourMoralLeader:  lol
YourMoralLeader:  yes

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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