Parasha Pinchas (Num. 25-30)

Listen here and here.

Wikipedia: “Pinchas…is the 41st weekly Torah portion (פָּרָשָׁה‬, parashah) in the annual Jewish cycle of Torah reading and the eighth in the Book of Numbers. It tells of Pinchas’ killing of a couple, ending a plague, and of the daughters of Zelophehad’s successful plea for land rights.”

* Numbers 25:4 “Rabbi Judah concurs that all the leaders fell under the decree; they were guilty since they had allowed the travesty to take place without protest. This also seems to be the view of Rabbi Eleazar be Shammua: “As it is impossible for a doornail to be taken out from the door without extracting some of the wood, so it is impossible for Israel to separate itself from [Baal-] Pe’or without losing souls.” That is, innocent souls must die.” (JPS)

* The apostasy at Baal-peor extends the apostasy of the Golden Calf. God gives His people His Law, and the next thing you know, they’re having an orgy. Israel is about to enter the Promised Land when they rebel against God. It’s not unknown for people about to get what they want to find ways to blow things up.

* Moshe is told, tired and passive.

* Rabbinic commentator Kli Yachar places the blame on Israel for consorting with Moabite women, not on the Moabite women. The Israelites prostituted themselves to the Moabite chicks. If a man has an affair, it is not usually the case that a naked woman knocked on his door. He pursued somebody. (Dennis Prager)

* A lot more Jews would go to shul if they could hook up there with the temple prostitute.

* The Moabite women brought the Israelite men over to worship the Moabite gods because they believed more strongly in their gods than the Israelites believe in their God.

* The Jewish tradition considers moral threats more serious than other threats. Thus, the Torah antipathy to Midianites is stronger than it is to the Egyptians.

* There’s a big difference between public and private sin.

* The only reason we know Pinchas did the right thing was that God announced that.

* Pinchas was the son of a man who married Jethro’s daughter, so he was partially descended from idolaters. And he slew a Jew, Zimri, was had an untarnished blood line.

* Every people love their own Pinchases and hate other people’s Pinchases.

* NUMBERS 25 While Israel was staying in Shittim, the men began to indulge in sexual immorality with Moabite women, 2 who invited them to the sacrifices to their gods. The people ate the sacrificial meal and bowed down before these gods. 3 So Israel yoked themselves to the Baal of Peor. And the Lord’s anger burned against them.

4 The Lord said to Moses, “Take all the leaders of these people, kill them and expose them in broad daylight before the Lord, so that the Lord’s fierce anger may turn away from Israel.”

5 So Moses said to Israel’s judges, “Each of you must put to death those of your people who have yoked themselves to the Baal of Peor.”

6 Then an Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman right before the eyes of Moses and the whole assembly of Israel while they were weeping at the entrance to the tent of meeting. 7 When Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand 8 and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them, right through the Israelite man and into the woman’s stomach. Then the plague against the Israelites was stopped; 9 but those who died in the plague numbered 24,000.

10 The Lord said to Moses, 11 “Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, has turned my anger away from the Israelites. Since he was as zealous for my honor among them as I am, I did not put an end to them in my zeal. 12 Therefore tell him I am making my covenant of peace with him. 13 He and his descendants will have a covenant of a lasting priesthood, because he was zealous for the honor of his God and made atonement for the Israelites.”

14 The name of the Israelite who was killed with the Midianite woman was Zimri son of Salu, the leader of a Simeonite family. 15 And the name of the Midianite woman who was put to death was Kozbi daughter of Zur, a tribal chief of a Midianite family.

16 The Lord said to Moses, 17 “Treat the Midianites as enemies and kill them. 18 They treated you as enemies when they deceived you in the Peor incident involving their sister Kozbi, the daughter of a Midianite leader, the woman who was killed when the plague came as a result of that incident.”

* There seems to be a game of telephone going on. God tells Moshe to impale the leaders and Moshe commands to slay all idolaters. So how often did Moshe misunderstand God’s commands? For instance, what about the commands to genocide in the Torah? Perhaps Moshe misunderstood God?

* Why should all the leaders be impaled? Surely not all leaders were idolaters and fornicators?

* God likes that Pinchas slew Zimri and his Midianite princess Cozbi. What kind of prince lets his daughter be a whore?

* Artscroll: “Under the leadership of Midian, a lust for immoral pleasure and a desire for the worship of Peor had been introduced into the Jewish people. Such desires are very hard to eradicate.”

Jews would never have become pornographers and perverts if it had not been for the evil Midianites and their whorish women constantly tempting Godly Jews from the path of Torah.

* Num. 25:6. Jacob Milgrom: “…the Israelite [Zimri] was convinced (by his Midianite partner?) that ritual intercourse was the best way to appease God and thereby terminate the plague.” A lot more men would go to temple if they could have ritual intercourse.

According to Mycenaen-Greek rites, “the boy or girl who went to death without having experienced sexual intercourse remained unsatisfied and therefore caused harm to the living. The sequence of sacrifice, food and drink and ritual intercourse would represent the gamut of those things necessary to put the restless spirits of the age at ease.” (Milgrom)

* One thing I love about Judaism is its sharp distinction between public and private sins. Private sins, by and large, are between you and God (though everything we do affects other people, it is hard and distasteful to monitor what goes on in private) but public sins are a matter of communal concern.

* Num. 25:9. Jewish tradition claims that Pinchas’s example was followed by his loyal supporters, and it was they who slew the 24,000 Israelites. It was another Holocaust!

* Num. 25:11. R. Jacob Milgrom: “Once released, God’s anger destroys everything in its path and makes no moral distinctions. This empirical truth concerning natural disasters — in modern actuarial parlance called ‘acts of God’ – is neither glossed over nor treated apologetically by the Torah. It is reckoned with as a cornerstone of its theology.”

One modern Pinchas who comes to my mind is John Brown. Wikipedia:

John Brown (May 9, 1800 – December 2, 1859) was an American abolitionist who believed armed insurrection was the only way to overthrow the institution of slavery in the United States. Brown first gained attention when he led small groups of volunteers during the Bleeding Kansas crisis of 1856. Dissatisfied with the pacifism of the organized abolitionist movement, he said, “These men are all talk. What we need is action—action!” During the Kansas campaign, Brown commanded forces at the Battle of Black Jack and the Battle of Osawatomie. He and his supporters killed five pro-slavery supporters in the Pottawatomie massacre of May 1856 in response to the sacking of Lawrence by pro-slavery forces.

In 1859, Brown led a raid on the federal armory at Harpers Ferry to start a liberation movement among the slaves there. During the raid, he seized the armory; seven people were killed, and ten or more were injured. He intended to arm slaves with weapons from the arsenal, but the attack failed. Within 36 hours, Brown’s men had fled or been killed or captured by local pro-slavery farmers, militiamen, and U.S. Marines led by Robert E. Lee. He was tried for treason against the Commonwealth of Virginia, the murder of five men, and inciting a slave insurrection. He was found guilty on all counts and was hanged. Brown’s raid captured the nation’s attention, as Southerners feared it was just the first of many Northern plots to cause a slave rebellion that might endanger their lives, while Republicans dismissed the notion and claimed they would not interfere with slavery in the South.

Historians agree that the Harpers Ferry raid escalated tensions that, a year later, led to the South’s secession and Civil War. David Potter has said the emotional effect of Brown’s raid was greater than the philosophical effect of the Lincoln–Douglas debates, and that it reaffirmed a deep division between North and South.

* Phineas Priesthood:

The Phineas Priesthood or Phineas Priests (also spelled Phinehas) is a title for self-selected vigilantes who commit violent acts in accordance with the ideology set forth by the 1990 book, Vigilantes of Christendom: The Story of the Phineas Priesthood by Richard Kelly Hoskins.[1]

According to the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), “Many people mistakenly believe that there is an actual organization called the Phineas Priesthood, probably because there was a group of four men in the 1990s who called themselves Phineas Priests. The men carried out bank robberies and a series of bombings in the Pacific Northwest before being sent to prison. But there is no evidence that their organization was any larger than those four individuals.”

The ideology set forth in Hoskins’ book includes Christian Identity beliefs opposed to interracial relationships, the mixing of races, homosexuality, and abortion. It is also marked by its anti-Semitism, and anti-multiculturalism.

The Phineas Priesthood is not considered an organization because it is not led by a governing body, there are no gatherings, and there is no membership process. One becomes a Phineas Priest by simply adopting the beliefs of the Priesthood and acting upon those beliefs. Adherents of the Priesthood ideology are considered terrorists for, among other things, various 1996 abortion clinic bombings, the bombing in Spokane of The Spokesman-Review newspaper, bank robberies, and plans to blow up FBI buildings.[2] Four members of this organization were convicted of crimes including bank robbery and bombing, with each sentenced in 1997 and 1998 to life in prison.[3]

The Phineas Priesthood is named for the Israelite Phinehas, grandson of Aaron. Numbers 25:7 According to Numbers 25, Phineas personally executed an Israelite man and a Midianite woman while they were together in the man’s tent, running a spear through the two and ending a plague sent by God to punish the Israelites for intermingling sexually and religiously with the Midianite Baal-worshipers. Phineas is commended for having stopped Israel’s fall to idolatrous practices brought in by Midianite women, as well as for stopping the desecration of God’s sanctuary. Yahweh commends Phineas through Moses as zealous, gives him a “covenant of peace,” and grants him and “his seed” an everlasting priesthood. This passage was cited in Hoskins’ book as a justification for using violent means against interracial relationships and other forms of alleged immorality.

* * The Jewish tradition has great concern about what Pinchas did. It’s not generally the Jewish way to act violently on your own initiative. Orthodox Judaism is a conformist religion. The Orthodox Jew is expected to conform to the community and to ask his rav for guidance on difficult questions. If you act on your own initiative without consulting a rav, you’re a rebel.

I’ve had people in the Orthodox community describe me as a “Pinchas.”

* The plague that Pinchas stopped through his killing of the couple consumed 24,000 people. Sometimes a well-placed killing or well-placed torture can save thousands of innocent lives.

* Are any of the orgies depicted in Torah literature gay orgies or are they all healthy heterosexual orgies? Have you ever encountered sodomy in any of the mikvas you’ve attended? Was it weird seeing great sages naked? Did that diminish their greatness in your eyes?

* According to Artscroll: “Lust is constant danger of re-emerging. The way to deal with such a danger is to make the people understand that what they think of as a tempting pleasure is in reality an enemy, a threat to their very existence.” In other words, sex addiction is a terminal disease.

* After all my nasty work, I like Pinchas received the gift of a covenant of peace. I got my tranquility through Alexander Technique, psycho-therapy, and 12-step programs.

* Folks, the danger is real. Don’t start off with an Alsatian. Begin with a Chihuaha and work your way up gradually.

* Have you ever tasted the sublimity of God’s kiss, like the one He gave to Moshe? There was this blonde ninth grader who taught me, a mighty 11th grader, to kiss. It was a Saturday night. Jan. 1, 1983. Sugar Bowl. She wore Lipsmacker. I love Lipsmacker. I particularly love the strawberry flavor.

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A Life That Works

Happy people are all alike; every unhappy person is unhappy in his own way.

Happy people enjoy ways of living that:

* are conducive to serenity and tranquility, seeing people in their proper genre so they don’t disappoint you, accepting circumstances for what they are…
* provide an accurate sense of your own importance
* have over-arching purpose greater than yourself
* get along with others. We all depend upon the tolerance of those we live and work around, so if they gang up on us, we’re finished
* give energy and passion that lifts you beyond pleasure-seeking
* is filled with integrity, meaning the different parts of your life work together to create a unified whole. Usually this is accompanied by an attitude of everyone knows everything so there’s no point to trying to get away with things.
* allows you to enjoy solitude
* helps you avoid needless conflicts
* encourages flexibility and adaptability, so that when a pandemic hits, you plunge into things you haven’t had time for previously, so when one door closes, you look for the door that’s opening
* tracks their time, earning and spending
* are open to learning from others
* are free from compulsions to prove things to others
* avoid exertion/exhaustion
* allow one to feel at ease with oneself, others and the universe
* “The more disciplined your environment is, the less disciplined you need to be. Don’t swim upstream.” (James Clear)
* Here are more thoughts from James Clear:

Most people need consistency more than they need intensity.

Intensity:
-run a marathon
-write a book in 30 days
-silent meditation retreat

Consistency:
-don’t miss a workout for 2 years
-write every week
-daily silence

Intensity makes a good story. Consistency makes progress.

* Real wealth is not about money.

Real wealth is:
-not having to go to meetings
-not having to spend time with jerks
-not being locked into status games
-not feeling like you have to say “yes”
-not worrying about others claiming your time and energy

Real wealth is about freedom.

* The ultimate productivity hack is saying no.

* How to Be Unhappy:

-stay inside all day
-move as little as possible
-spend more than you earn
-take yourself (and life) too seriously
-look for reasons why things won’t work
-always consume, never contribute
-resent the lucky and successful
-never say hello first
-be unreliable

* Invert for happiness:

-get outside each day
-move: walk, exercise, dance
-spend less than you earn
-view life as play
-be the one who looks for solutions
-develop a bias to contribute and create
-learn from the lucky and successful
-be the first to say hello
-be reliable

* Your 1st blog post will be bad, but your 1000th will be great.

Your 1st workout will be weak, but your 1000th will be strong.

Your 1st meditation will be scattered, but your 1000th will be focused.

Put in your reps.

* Read books that are relevant to what you want to achieve and reading will never seem boring.

* You elicit from the world what you put into it.

Want to attract reliable people? Be reliable.

Want to attract trustworthy people? Be trustworthy.

Want to attract welcoming people? Be welcoming.

Want to attract exceptional people? Be exceptional.

* The easy way is often the hard way.

Shortcuts, one-sided deals, and selfish behavior create debts. You only look like a winner until the bill comes due. Short-term actions become long-term frustrations.

In hindsight, the hard way only seems hard in the moment.

* When the world doesn’t make sense, it is a signal that you need to learn.

* Characteristics of secure attachment: “Secure attachment is an adult attachment style that is characterized by a positive view of the self, others, and relationships. An adult attachment style is the way in which adults in a romantic relationship relate to each other. They usually come from positive, supportive childhood backgrounds. They are able to reflect on their childhood experiences, both good and bad. Adults with secure attachments are comfortable with being intimate with other people and enjoy intimate relationships. They are secure both with themselves and in their relationships. The relationships of individuals who are securely attached tend to be warm, trusting, and last for a long time. The partners are aware of themselves and what they are feeling. Individuals with secure attachment have low anxiety and do not avoid getting close to others. Securely attached adults have positive self-worth and believe that they are worthy of being loved. They also are accepting and responsive to others.”

Secure people shy away from those who needlessly hurt them. They don’t return for more abuse.

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Germany Confronts The Enemy Within

There are 16 references to the far-right and six to neo-nazis in this article but no definitions are offered.

Katrin Bennhold writes for the New York Times:

Germany has a problem. For years, politicians and security chiefs rejected the notion of any far-right infiltration of the security services, speaking only of “individual cases.” The idea of networks was dismissed. The superiors of those exposed as extremists were protected. Guns and ammunition disappeared from military stockpiles with no real investigation.

The government is now waking up. Cases of far-right extremists in the military and the police, some hoarding weapons and explosives, have multiplied alarmingly. The nation’s top intelligence officials and senior military commanders are moving to confront an issue that has become too dangerous to ignore.

The problem has deepened with the emergence of the Alternative for Germany party, or AfD, which legitimized a far-right ideology that used the arrival of more than a million migrants in 2015 — and more recently the coronavirus pandemic — to engender a sense of impending crisis.

Why does Germany have this problem? Why now? What is it in response to? A best-selling book published in Germany in 2010 (but never translated and published in English) offers a clue — Germany Abolishes Itself. According to Wikipedia: “Sarrazin argued for restricting Muslim immigration to Germany on the grounds that Muslims who had immigrated to Germany from Turkey and other Muslim countries had failed to assimilate into German society, lived culturally separate lives in densely Muslim neighborhoods, and that two thirds of Germany’s Muslim immigrants were on welfare.”

Most concerning to the authorities is that the extremists appear to be concentrated in the military unit that is supposed to be the most elite and dedicated to the German state, the special forces, known by their German acronym, the KSK.

I would expect that those most willing to sacrifice their lives to protect their people are the least friendly to multi-culturalism. People don’t sacrifice for a state as much as they will for specific people. One reason that Germany soldiers have been so formidable in the past century is that they have typically come from the same parts of the country and thus feel a fierce loyalty to each other.

In many cases, soldiers have used the networks to prepare for when they predict Germany’s democratic order will collapse. They call it Day X. Officials worry it is really a pretext for inciting terrorist acts, or worse, a putsch.

“For far-right extremists, the preparation of Day X and its precipitation blend into one another,” Martina Renner, a lawmaker on the homeland security committee of the German Parliament, told me.

The ties, officials say, sometimes reach deep into old neo-Nazi networks and the more polished intellectual scene of the so-called New Right. Extremists are hoarding weapons, maintaining safe houses, and in some cases keeping lists of political enemies.

A Germany bent on abolishing itself will inevitably have a Day X.

Some German news media have referred to a “shadow army,” drawing parallels to the 1920s, when nationalist cells within the military hoarded arms, plotted coups and conspired to overthrow democracy.

When the current system doesn’t work, people will seek alternatives.

Under the headline, the Times writes: “Germany worries about a problem of far-right infiltration at the heart of its democracy.”

I would think in a democracy, citizens infiltrating the state is the whole point of this particular system of government, unless these citizens have an allegiance to a political ideology that is illegal. What if the only system of governance that could preserve Germany is currently illegal? Then those who want to preserve their people have the choice of giving up or infiltrating the rotting structure of the current state.

“I would estimate the number of soldiers in European armed forces that also belong to nationalist groups to number in the hundreds of thousands, with just as many employed in law enforcement positions,” Mr. [Brendan] Tarrant had written.

That makes sense. These people may be the only hope for Europe.

But investigating the problem is itself fraught: Even the military counterintelligence agency, charged with monitoring extremism inside the armed forces, may be infiltrated.

Do those who support the current system have the same dedication as those opposed? I doubt it. People don’t risk death for constitutions and democratic values.

“If the very people who are meant to protect our democracy are plotting against it, we have a big problem,” said Stephan Kramer, president of the domestic intelligence agency in the state of Thuringia. “How do you find them?”

“These are battle-hardened men who know how to evade surveillance because they are trained in conducting surveillance themselves,” he added.

“What we are dealing with is an enemy within.”

If at core these insurgents are anti-social, then they will collapse from within like the American Alt Right. If at core these insurgents are pro-social, then maybe they deserve to triumph.

It was never easy to be a soldier in postwar Germany. Given its Nazi history and the destruction it foisted on Europe in World War II, the country maintains a conflicted relationship to its military.

For decades, Germany tried to forge a force that represented a democratic society and its values. But in 2011 it abolished conscription and moved to a volunteer force. As a result, the military increasingly reflects not the broad society, but a narrower slice of it.

General Kreitmayr said that “a big percentage” of his soldiers are eastern Germans, a region where the AfD does disproportionately well. Roughly half the men on the list of KSK members suspected of being far-right extremists are also from the east, he added.

Good luck trying to forge an armed service around democratic values. That’s thin gruel for people risking their lives.

Officials talk of a perceptible shift “in values” among new recruits. In conversations, the soldiers themselves, who could not be identified under the unit’s guidelines, said that if there was a tipping point in the unit, it came with the migrant crisis of 2015.

As hundreds of thousands of asylum seekers from Syria and Afghanistan were making their way to Germany, the mood on the base was anxious, they recalled.

“We are soldiers who are charged with defending this country and then they just opened the borders, no control,” one officer recalled. “We were at the limit.”

For every action, there’s reaction.

One night in 2017, Little Sheep, the sergeant major whose weapons stash was uncovered in May, was among about 70 KSK soldiers of Second Company who had gathered at a military shooting range.

Investigators have identified him only as Philipp Sch. He and the others had organized a special leaving party for a lieutenant colonel, a man celebrated as a war hero for shooting his way out of an ambush in Afghanistan while carrying one of his men.

The colonel, an imposing man covered in Cyrillic tattoos who enjoys cage-fighting in his spare time, had to complete an obstacle course. It involved hacking apart tree trunks and throwing severed pig heads.

As a prize, his men had flown in a woman. But the colonel ended up dead drunk. The woman, rather than being his trophy, went to the police.

Standing by the fire with a handful of soldiers, she had witnessed them singing neo-Nazi lyrics and raising their right arm. One man stood out for his enthusiasm, she recalled in a televised report by the public broadcaster ARD. She called him the “Nazi grandpa.”

This group sounds anti-social and will probably fall apart on its own. Drunks and addicts don’t have the right stuff to change society because they can’t even control themselves.

Conspicuously missing is any mention of a disgraced former KSK commander, Gen. Reinhard Günzel, who was dismissed after he wrote a 2003 letter in support of an anti-Semitic speech by a conservative lawmaker.

General Günzel subsequently published a book called “Secret Warriors.” In it, he placed the KSK in the tradition of a notorious special forces unit under the Nazis that committed numerous war crimes, including massacres of Jews. He has been a popular speaker at far-right events.

“What you basically have is one of the founding commanders of the KSK becoming a prominent ideologue of the New Right,” said Christian Weissgerber, a former soldier who has written a book about his own experience of being a neo-Nazi in the military.

What exactly was this anti-Semitic speech? It was delivered by Martin Hohmann, who was then a member of the CDU. According to Wikipedia:

He attracted public attention with a speech on German Unity Day on October 3, 2003. He set out to repudiate the supposed accusation that during the Holocaust, the Germans were considered a “nation of perpetrators” (German: Tätervolk, a term which was later named German Un-Word of the Year by a jury of linguistic scholars).[1] To his end, he elaborated at length on the involvement of Jews in the violent 1917 Russian Revolution.

Hohmann starts from noting a strong sense of self-contempt among Germans and quotes Hans-Olaf Henkel, the vice president of the Federation of German Industry, who has stated that “Our original sin paralyzes the country”. Hohmann thinks that an undue occupation with Germany’s past—which he distinguishes from a necessary admission and remembrance of German crimes—lies behind discrimination against fellow-countrymen. Among examples, he mentions the refusal of German government officials to consider demanding compensations by Russia, Poland and the Czech Republic on behalf of forced German labourers in World War II, in the same way as Germany pays compensation for those they forced to labor camps.

He notes that, while the notion of collective guilt is usually denied, it is very much applied to Germans. Other nations tend to white-wash their history, like the French who hail the bloody French revolution as some kind of emancipation and the imperialist dictator Napoleon as a benevolent father of the people. The Germans, on the other hand are depicted in black and white as perpetrators and their enemies as innocent lambs. He vehemently denies the thesis of Daniel Goldhagen about a general German complicity in Hitler’s politics.

To illustrate his point, that this treatment of Germans is absurd, he draws a parallel with Jews, who, he argues with painstaking submission of evidence, have, to a remarkable extent taken part in communist activities, such as the Russian revolution. Hohmann states: “Thus one could describe Jews with some justification as a nation of perpetrators…Judged by these facts, it would feel justified to call the Jews a people of ‘perpetrators’.” His conclusion is: “That may sound terrible. But it would still follow the same logic, as the one used to call the Germans a people of perpetrators.” To make it clear that the judgement follows only if you accept the premises he is out for demolishing, he explains that “neither the Germans nor the Jews can be termed a nation of perpetrators”.

Hohmann goes on to note that the Jews who participated in revolutionary activities where such who had been alienated from their religion and heritage—a trait, he observes, they shared with national socialists. The target of his speech, hence, is secularisation. “Because of that neither ‘Germans’, nor ‘Jews’ are a people of perpetrators. It can be said with every justification, though, that: The Godless, with their godless ideologies were the perpetrators of this last, bloody, Century.”

That 2003 speech sounds much more anti-secular than anti-Jewish.

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‘I Need You’

“I need you like the flower needs the rain
You know I need you, guess I’ll start it all again
You know I need you like the winter needs the spring
You know I need you, I need you”

(America, 1972)

As a teen, what I most wanted to tell the girls who entranced me was “I need you.” I’m not sure if I ever said this to anyone, but it would rise up inside of me whenever I’d see the one who made my problems disappear.

I’m sure my neediness poured out of me, even without words, and was obvious to anyone with discernment. I moved to California in May of 1977 and began sixth grade in the fall and quickly people began calling me “insecure.” That was not a term thrown around much in my home country of Australia.

Listening to this song today, I remember my old yearning for someone to complete me. My favorite songs in the 1980s were love-sick anthems by groups such as Air Supply and ABBA.

I was often been told to think of others. That never did me much good. Until I could rewire my thinking, I was stuck for decades in a desperate search for attention. I was like a wounded soldier who could not care for others until he could get his own bleeding staunched.

To tell me as a teen that I should not have felt this way would not have done me any good. People don’t usually heal from being reprimanded and ridiculed. Happy people naturally think of others while unhappy people can’t sustain this for long.

Looking back at age 54, I’d like to tell my teenage self that this yearning was OK, that it would pass, that I should embrace and accept it, that these feelings were a microdot encompassing my love map, that it was a prompt to accept how desperately I needed a fix, and that nobody, in all likelihood, could provide one for long. Not many people come along who can give you an emotionally corrective experience. All they can do is distract you, or perhaps carry you for a bit.  

Feeling lonely in a group of people is a lousy feeling. Company can’t fix loneliness. Loneliness is a learned compulsion that can be unlearned.

When I would reach out to people from a lonely needy place, it did not usually go well. The type of people who would respond to my desperation were often equally sick.

I didn’t know then that nobody could fix me. Sure, people would enter my life and include me and the pain would go away for a while, but my tendencies to loneliness were still written into my mental patterns and that until I did the hard work of rewiring my reactions to stimuli, this yearning would continually pop up, often at the most inconvenient of times. 

My dad would tell me that there was no rider that can’t be thrown and no horse that can’t be rode. There’s porn out there that can trigger a hands-free ejaculation. Every untreated addict is vulnerable to situations and substances. Even the addict in recovery is going to stumble at times. With 12 Steps, I find it easier to desist from beating myself up after I’ve slipped, and instead get up and carry on. Sure, some song might come along and trigger a memory, and then all I can do is marvel at how far I’ve come from, and feel gratitude that I made it out of my desperation alive.

Joe says:

I did quite a bit of work on myself starting in my twenties. What were most valuable to me were the books Psychocybernetics by Matthew Maltz, Hypnosis by Leslie Lecron and A guide to rational living by Harper and Ellis. All of these books suggest that our neuroses can be addressed through relaxation, visualization and reprogramming, (Maltz) self hypnosis (Lecron) and through semantics by reframing our perceptions and the way we describe events to ourselves, and by not falsely attributing our perceptions to others intentions. I also started therapy which I went to weekly for four or five years. For those who haven’t been to therapy, the process for me went something like the therapist uncritically accepting and agreeing with everything I said, much of which included attribution of motives to others and my fear of how I was being perceived. Finally after months of uncritically listening and accepting what I said, the therapist at the margins was able to suggest alternative ways of looking at things. This was never a head on: You’re wrong, but always a subtle jab at a minor point: Could they have meant that in another way?

After months of this then the real work starts with dismantling the egoistic view of the world. Finally, I began studying Tibetan Buddhism. I did not particularly want to study or practice Buddhism, but I was fascinated by Tibet and how long it had retained its isolation from the rest of the world. The practice of Buddhism and everyday life in Tibet were so intertwined that I could only gain some understanding of it through studying and practicing Buddhism. For anyone who has not studied Buddhism the main emphasis is on learning to meditate. Meditation contrary to what I believed is in fact a way of retaining focus, by having the mind rest on breathing in and out, but being aware of what stimulus the senses are receiving, with the specific practice of if those stimulus distract one from resting on the breath returning to the breath.

This gets to your point about “I need you.” It is very common to think that we are incomplete and a “relationship” will complete you. This can be true if the two persons in the relationship love each other. However, if one party looks to the other to complete him or her and the other does not, then this unrequited love is nothing more than a neurotic projection. If the love is mutual, then there is a level of understanding that undermines the ego. For instance, in a loving relationship, I don’t think it is possible for one party to keep score of anything. Too many persons feel that they are putting too much into the relationship and resent their partner or spouse. In fact if there is communication and something needs to be done, it is done and even if it appears as though it is done for the other person, in fact it is willingly done for the benefit to the relationship.

A corollary to this is that If a person doesn’t like being alone, then what is the reason that person should inflict himself or herself on another. The first order of business for those who want a relationship is to as the Buddhists say, make friends with yourself. Or as therapists say, to accept yourself. Only after you are comfortable with yourself, can you both be comfortable with and make comfortable another.

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Private Luke Vs Public Luke

What are the biggest differences between public Luke and private Luke? Public Luke takes more care to not offend needlessly and to be judicious with his words and deeds. Private Luke usually hates drama, Public Luke often enjoys stirring. Private Luke knows how just under the surface are his strong passions for recognition and for lust. Private Luke and Public Luke both love to provoke, but Private Luke is less constrained in how he does it as the stakes are lower with interpersonal relations as opposed to Youtube relations. Public Luke tries to keep a handle on his passions. The interests of Private Luke and Public Luke are the same. The books and articles I read privately I discuss publicly on my show and blog. I don’t do anything privately that would shock those acquainted with Public Luke. Public Luke, by definition, is often the center of attention, while Private Luke usually is not. Private Luke says a lot of things for shock value and for exploration while Public Luke tamps that down. Private Luke does not think as much before he speaks, does not keep himself as much in check, feels more free to react viscerally and primally.

Private Luke will express his irritation more readily than Public Luke, though if you’ve watched my show and seen what annoys me, you get a pretty good handle on Private Luke.

I feel that there is less distance between Private Luke and Public Luke than ever before. Neither Public Luke nor Private Luke lie (deliberately say things that he knows are not true). I can do 20 hours a week of Youtube broadcasting because I am at ease with myself, others and the universe. I am not hiding anything and I don’t see the outside world as the enemy to be debunked.

Private Luke and Public Luke are equally affected by others. Different company brings out different sides of Luke. Luke easily adapts to changing company and environments, perhaps that is the result of growing up in foster care.

Private Luke is more sensitive than Public Luke.

Private Luke feels that he should be the subject of great movies and PhD dissertations, but then fears that would not be good for him.

Luke wants interaction on his terms. Luke hates conflict and negotiation, preferring to settle things according to the dominance hierarchy.

Public Luke no longer puts on airs that Private Luke finds tiring. Private Luke does not do things that fill Public Luke with fear and Public Luke does not do things that fill Private Luke with fear.

Public Luke tries to avoid offending proprieties that Private Luke could care less about.

Luke has weighed between 172 and 174 pounds since the pandemic. He weighs himself every morning and is not happy to be over 170. When his weight goes to 174, he gets frustrated. He does not want to enter another 12-step program. He wants to take care of this on his own. So far, he’s failing. Luke rides his stationary bike about 5 miles a day, about four to five days a week. He eats three solid meals a day.

Most days Luke feels solid about everything he did that day. Sure, there’s always room for improvement, but he rarely gets shame attacks. It’s a beautiful thing to feel proud of your day, when the spiritual and religious and work and play parts of your life all flow together.

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