Luke Ford | No sacred cows.

Sarah Silverman Explains Kabbalah

Posted on December 3, 2007 by Luke Ford

From the Jewish Journal: "Sarah Silverman explains the mysticism of kabbalah (video) at the Uncensored Comedy Benefit Show at USC’s Bovard Auditorium on Nov. 29. The evening’s entertainment was on behalf of the Arava Institute, a regional center for environmental leadership in Israel."

Posted in Jewish Journal, Sarah Silverman | Comments Off

Brad Greenberg Looks Like Something Out Of Der Sturmer

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

I don’t mean that critically.

No judgment.

I’m not exactly Adonis myself.

Just ask Danielle Berrin.

Anyway, enough about me.

Let’s talk about Brad.

Poor bloke.

I wonder if he ever hands out poisoned candy to Aryan children coming out of church in Santa Monica?

Wearing a top hat and a stick pin?

In his spare time, does he torture the host and poison wells?

This isn’t me writing this.

I don’t write like this.

These are words coming from outside of me over which I have little control.

(I stuck in the Danielle Berrin bit gratuituously.)

Brad’s story is sad. How come the Jews lose the Brad Greenbergs of the world and get the Luke Fords?

It doesn’t seem like a fair trade.

I can’t doubt the sincerity of Brad’s faith. He’s a fair dinkum Christian.

He must’ve gotten the wrong directions to the BBYO camp and ended up at Liberty University.

I’m sure I’ll get a little scared when he tells me the world is 6,000 years old. When he tries to convince me that Fred Flintstone and T-Rex lived at the same time as the Apostles.

That’ll be Brad Greenberg’s version of carbon dating.

Brad likes the hovel even though he said in his article that it smells bad.

Oh well, I must go raise money for the Irv Rubin Scholarship Fund. The first winner will be Ben "Porn Generation" Shapiro.

Each year one fanatic is picked out of many applications and given an all expense paid trip to Gaza to bring the Moshiach.

Ben’s never had sex but he knows it’s evil (outside of marriage).

I bet he’s bought some tactical nukes to use on secular Jews. First stop? Leo Baeck Temple.

Posted in Brad A. Greenberg, Personal | Comments Off

I’m Just A Gigolo

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

I’m just a gigolo, and everywhere I go
People know the part I’m playing
Paid for every dance selling each romance
Ooh, what they’re saying

There would come a day when youth will pass away
What will they say about me
When the end comes I know
They say "He was just a gigolo"
Life goes on without me

Cuz I ain’t got nobody
Nobody cares for me, nobody, nobody cares for me
I’m so sad and lonely
Sad and lonely, sad and lonely
Won’t some sweet mama come and take a chance with me
Cuz I ain’t so bad
Sad and lonesome all the time
Even on the beat, on the, on the beat
I ain’t got nobody
Nobody cares for me, nobody, nobody

Really ain’t got nobody, sad and lonesome
Baby need love

I, I, I, ain’t got nobody
Nobody, nobody cares for me ,nobody, nobody
I’m so sad and lonely, sad and lonely
Won’t some sweet mama come and take a chance with me
Cuz I ain’t so bad
Really want that soul, little loving soul all the time
Even on the beat, cherry, cherry on the beat
Need a long tall darling, mama
Feeling sick
Got nobody, no, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody, no one, no one

Loopey loop, darling, darling
Getting serious, got to see the walls
Over there. nobody, got no one, nobody
Nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody cares for me

I’ve got to quadruple the traffic I’m getting to Lukeford.net (about 70,000 page views a week, 400% of the next highest site in the Jewish blogads network) to earn a living from it. Otherwise I’m screwed. I’ve been working for myself for more than a decade. I don’t want to get a real job.

I always get depressed after a long illness.

My life is grim.

Life was easier when I wrote on porn.

I’m tired of fighting.

I drive myself out from the hovel into the cold dark Saturday night to take a bunch of stupid pictures to drive up my website traffic. I fight through the cars on Highland near Hollywood, and while my van idles, I feel the engine’s death rattle and know it must be replaced soon ($2000) and I pray to God it doesn’t die on me (and what about my friend who told me a month ago he’d sell me his beat-up Camry, is he really going to sell it, he keeps putting me off, I’m so screwed).

Once I get to the TV academy, I drive around and around to find free parking.

I’m tired of fighting.

When I get to the red carpet, I find out the arrivals began 90-minutes ago.

I have to stop drinking water more than an hour before I depart for red carpets because bathroom availabilities at these things is iffy.

My mouth is dry. My throat aches. I’m feverish. I’m sick. I’m weak. I’m scared and tired and cranky. I keep saying the f-word in my head. And mix it up with "F— it!" and "F— me!" and "I’m f—ed!"

I fight back up Lankershim to Highland and the traffic dies at the Hollywood Bowl. Twenty minutes later, I fight through a side street, pass 20 cars by driving on the wrong side of the road, and stick my van into a narrow parking place (free!).

I walk 15 minutes to Hollywood Blvd. My throat is dry.

I stand outside the club. No bathroom around. I fear I’ll lose control of my bowels. I fear that more and more now that I’ve passed 40 yo. It never happens but it would be humiliating if it did.

I get inside the Knitting Factory. I stand around for two hours while people drink. I take bad pictures. Then I fight the traffic home. I fight for parking. I get into bed and fight for sleep.

I lose.

I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired. I’m so f—ed!

Posted in Personal | Comments Off

Shalhevet Budget Blowout

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

This year’s budget deficit was supposed to run to $1.5 million (with $500,000 covered by Roland Arnall and the other million covered by fundraising) but the figure is closer to $3 million (in part because of the small numbers in the junior and senior classes at the high school and Jerry’s free spending).

It’s enough to make Jerry relapse into his cursing habit. Wonder what step on the moral development ladder Larry Kohlberg would place that?

Shalehevet seeks a new head of school to succeed founder Jerry Friedman, 78 yo. They’re interviewed three candidates. The first was the headmaster of a 200-kid community school in Georgia. After visiting Shalhevet, he withdrew his name.

Jerry says he’s leaving but it doesn’t look like he’s eager for a replacement. He wants the school to keep running as he runs it, which would be a disaster.

It’s extraordinarily difficult for Friedman to let go. Most of his self-image is wrapped up in the school. He’s got one foot in the grave. Shalhevet is his legacy.

I’m not dead yet. I think I’ll go for a walk.

You’re not fooling anybody.

Jerry’s been resisting board control for years. Now the board has control over budget and hiring. Jerry’s not doing what the board’s instructing him to do.

Bad Jerry.

His wife brought the fortune. He took it and invested it in real estate. He built huge warehouses for businesses such as Sam’s Club and made tens of millions of dollars. About 16 years ago, he went off to Harvard and got, not a PhD as he allows people to think, but an EDD (a professional education degree that takes two years).

He says he did a survey of schools in Boston and found that Orthodox schools were not as morally based as Conservative and Reform schools. So he introduced this innovative curriculum at Shalhevet. Presumably it pervades the classrooms even if it doesn’t pervade Jerry who’s still very much a hard-swearing bullying real estate guy. As far as Shalhevet employees are concerned, Jerry’s still a typical real estate man.

The mood at Shalhevet is better now that Sam Gomberg is no longer the principal. Phu Tranchi is Shalhevet’s principal in everything but title.

Bornyo posts: "There are two misspellings on the front page of the website in the fundraising campaign plea. That doesn’t reflect well on a school."

Posted in Shalhevet | Comments Off

Rabbi Saul Berman Comes To Town

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

I’ve heard mixed reviews about his Sabbath talks.

I’m told:

Like many speakers he had more time to speak than material. He was a bit ideological Friday night on his point that chumras are a socio-cultural/historical phenomenon of post-Holocaust Judaism. He railed against the spread of "glatt" kosher, and said the thing we need to be machmir about are the mitzvot bein adam l’chaveiro (i.e. treating each other decently). A predictable message, with lots of repetition. The positive review was that, like Rabbi Cherlow a few weeks ago, speakers like this offer chizuk (strength) to a beleaguered crowd beat up by the right wing Orthodox. Shabbos morning, interesting ideas about jealousy in the Joseph story, specifically, that the brothers’ jealousy derived from the fact that their mother Leah was absent from the stars bowing down dream and thereby he was writing her out of the family; also that Joseph starts out the search from his brothers from a standpoint of ambivalence until he meets "the man" who tells him where they are and thereby helps him get focused, good close reading; again, sounded like he could have given over his message in 10 minutes but took much longer. Seuda shlishi (third meal on the Sabbath), underwhelming. Rabbi Berman reviewed the halachic issues around reproduction and infertility but without focus.
Most interesting thing I heard was that this was sponsored by Yeshivat Chovevei Torah which thought it was sending him to speak to the whole community — Beth Jacob, Young Israel of Century City — but those shuls just weren’t interested. I don’t know how much it was badly planned vs rejected outright.

More about Rabbi Saul Berman here.

Posted in Modern Orthodox, Orthodoxy, Pico/Robertson, Saul Berman | Comments Off

Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He’s Single

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

Report:

SIOUX FALLS, SD—In light of a broken engagement two years ago, area school-bus driver and longtime conspiracy enthusiast Robert Ericsson outlined an intricate theory to reporters Tuesday to explain his failure to begin a new relationship.
"I am alone today due to the covert machinations of dozens, possibly hundreds of women in several countries," Ericsson, 38, said. "What we are looking at is a plot of epic proportions, which may seem counterintuitive, but that is, in fact, precisely what they would like you to believe."

Posted in Satire | Comments Off

Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

Report:

LOS ANGELES—If you ask Dale Henderson, a local assassin who celebrated his eighth wedding anniversary last month, lone gunman John Kingsley has no idea how good he has it.
Able to stay out as late as he wants holding innocent civilians hostage, and free to make weekend murder plans without first getting permission from his wife, the 29-year-old bachelor is "as lucky as they come."

Posted in Satire | Comments Off

Go-Getter Eliminates Two Steps From Grieving Process

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

Report: "CORNING, CA—Management consultant and recent widower Greg Pier successfully cut his grieving time by more than a third Friday by eliminating bargaining and depression from the mourning process following the death of his wife. "After three days in denial and a full night of anger, I realized that at that rate, I was never going to get over [wife] Betty’s passing," said Pier, who convinced himself it was time to move on with his life after a simple cost-benefit analysis. "What am I supposed to do, mope around all day asking God to take me instead?" Piers noted that his intense grief should be even less time-consuming given his plans to avoid explaining to his children where their mother went."

Posted in Satire | Comments Off

Entire Blogosphere Stunned By Blogger’s Special Weekend Post

Posted on December 2, 2007 by Luke Ford

Report: "NEW YORK—In what is being called a seminal moment in Internet history, a rare weekend post by 25-year-old blogger Ben Tiedemann on his website bentiedemanntellsall.blogspot.com rocked the 50 million-member blogosphere this Saturday. The landmark post, which updated nearly every member of the global online community on the shelf Tiedemann was building, was linked to by several thousand sites, including Daily Kos, Digg, and The New York Times. "Wow, what a special treat this was for all of us," said Talking Points Memo head blogger Joshua Micah Marshal, who, along with all other bloggers, checks Tiedemann’s site every day just in case something monumental occurs. "I thought I was going to have to wait until Monday to find out if Ben decided to put [the shelf] in his bedroom or the living room. The pictures were great, too." Within two hours of going live, Tiedemann’s 15-word post received 34,634,897 comments."