Rabbi Shmuley Boteach writes in the Jerusalem Post:
The religious Jewish dating scene is severely broken. In the secular world men and women date by meeting each other at co-ed institutions like school and university or at events like parties and weekend getaways. They begin to date and the relationship unfolds gradually and organically as they get to know each other better over time.
This is not to say that all things are hunky-dory. There are major problems in this model, like the fact that pretty girls and overtly successful guys are going to get noticed over those with quieter and subtler virtues. Likewise, sex has come to play such a prominent role in secular dating that couples get to know each other physically rather than emotionally, creating distance and a lack of real intimacy in relationships.
But in the religious world where dating is so often dependent on third parties making introductions, young men and women are at the mercy of others to meet a potential spouse. Those third-parties are often professional matchmakers or friends who set them up.
The flaw in this model is that first, it disempowers men and women from meeting directly and creates instead a dependency on those who are not principals in the dating. Second, professional matchmakers often treat their occupations as an impersonal job and take no real interest in their clients. Third, it involves so much work. Since a matchmaker is making an introduction to someone you’ve never met, you have to make the effort of finding out more information about the person in question. Fourth, none of this is terribly romantic. It all seems highly unnatural, even tiring.
Very often these introductions are done arbitrarily and almost randomly. You’re a girl, he’s a guy. You have a pulse, he has a pulse. So a mutual friend thinks, "Wow, what a great match!" What often happens, therefore, in the religious dating world is that it becomes a game of trial and error. Since people are introducing you almost randomly and without a lot of personal information to justify the introduction, you decide to go out anyway on the off chance that it might work. And even if it doesn’t, at least it will teach you about what you’re not looking for. BUT THE more you date, the more desensitized you become. Men and women slowly lose their mystery. You’re overexposed to something that’s supposed to be just a little outside your reach, thereby inviting you to cross over to the other side.
After a while, you’ve dated so many people that not only do they become a blur, but you’re reduced to using the most superficial criteria to distinguish them. "Oh good, this guy is taller than the last few guys I dated." "Oh no, she has very thin eyebrows. It looks like she made them with an eyeliner."
Dr. Michael Salomon responds:
Writing in his column on the subject of "How to fix Orthodox dating" (November 4), Rabbi Shmuley Boteach addresses the problems he has found with the process. It is refreshing to see someone with his level of visibility willing to raise important issues and even point out that the system is "severely broken." In fact, I have raised these issues in two of my recent books, most prominently in The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures (2008). Perhaps that is why I have received so many e-mails requesting I react.
In the first few paragraphs of Boteach’s piece, he writes that the current approach to shidduch dating "disempowers men and women from meeting directly and creates a dependency on those who are not principals in the dating… Second, professional matchmakers often treat their occupation as an impersonal job and take no real interest in their clients. Very often these introductions are done arbitrarily and almost randomly."
I’ve stated these positions myself, and have been attacked for it.
Unfortunately, the evidence simply does not support much of the rest of his position.
Among the first issues he addresses is how dating progresses in the secular world, describing it as a process that "unfolds gradually and organically." This is absolutely accurate. But Boteach states that the model favors the pretty girls and handsome guys. Actually, all the research has shown over the years that while looks are an important part of the initial attraction, physical appearance runs a distant second to more intrinsic issues such as personality similarity and life goals. A reverberating circuit is set off when people hold an attraction of personality to each other that is not impacted by looks.
Further, the suggestion that sex creates "distance and a lack of intimacy in relationships in secular couples" is just plain wrong on at least two levels. By making this statement Boteach is claiming that secular couples date expressly for sex and, like rabbits, jump from partner to partner. It is difficult to know for sure about premarital sex rates in the secular and Orthodox worlds; people tend not to respond earnestly to surveys of this nature. But in my professional position I would have to say that this statement is simply not a fair one. Second, sex rates are in no way related to a lack of intimacy. Perhaps the opposite is more likely.
It is similarly untrue that the "more you date, the more desensitized you become." On the contrary, decision theory – the psychological study of how people arrive at their choices – would argue just the reverse. You need options to choose what is best for you. In fact, his statement that because you date too much, you are "reduced to using the most superficial criteria to distinguish" your dates, illustrates what is wrong with Orthodox dating. The lists of criteria – colored tablecloths, what type of hat or shirt color – are so superficial they do nothing to enhance the selection process.
The Orthodox system of dating restricts socialization in real world settings. Recent proclamations against double dating ("inherently wrong") or mixed seating at weddings – probably the most opportune ways to meet and socialize – only serve to make the situation worse.
I have suggested alternative techniques to allow Orthodox daters to meet and get to know if they are right for one another. But setting up a "professionally run matchmaking organization," as Boteach suggests, would be precisely the wrong solution. If you want people to find one another, you have to allow them – even teach them how – to be more independent and act as adults, not have go-betweens always making decisions for them.
Shmuley, I fully support your desire to first acknowledge the problem and then find a means to address it. After all, the rates of divorce in the Orthodox world are climbing rapidly, as are rates of domestic violence. But, if you truly want to address these issues, please do some more research. I am here to help you.
The writer, a fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the director of the Adult Developmental Center in Hewlett, New York. His recent books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship.
