Luke Ford

A lot of shlumpy women with grey hair say things like, “I don’t fight nature.”

Ladies, please listen up! It is important that you fight nature! It is important that you look your best. Otherwise you drab up the world for folks like me who always enjoy something scintillating to look at.

Ladies, if your hair is going grey, dye it. Get a good dye job. And get rid of the grey. It’s not sexy.

And ladies, don’t cut your hair short. Your long hair is your glory. It bums me out when you cut it short.

And don’t wear pantsuits. Dresses are far sexier than pants. Don’t dress like men. Don’t act like men. Don’t scratch your genitals in public like men do and don’t chew tobacco.

Ladies, do not show up for a first date on a bike. Showing up sweaty after a five-mile bike ride is not sexy to me.

I once had this woman show up sweaty for our first date on a bike and what’s more, she had grey hair!

Ladies, if you’re packing on the pounds, stop eating! Take up ice chips and spinach and get some exercise.

Ladies who don’t fight nature are the reason why I tend to date younger women. I need to be with an attractive woman or I find it hard to get excited about life.

You might well ask, “Moral Leader, isn’t your hair grey?”

Yes, my hair is grey! Looks don’t matter much in men. What matters is passion and earning potential. I’m always clean and neat and ready to talk about Torah with women who don’t have grey hair and don’t bike to first dates.

The other important trait in women who want to date me is that they read my books. Many women I’ve gone out with say things like, “I don’t want to read your books. I want to know the real you.”

Well, the real me is in my books.

Some women think they can read my Wikipedia entry and then have contempt for my work and expect that will be fine with me.

No! It’s not.

Conversely, it is not important that I read your unsold scripts. Your scripts don’t play the same role in your self-esteem that my books play in mine. Women tend to get their self-esteem from their looks and their relationships and perhaps some from their work. Men get it primarily from their work and their passions (religion, etc).

And ladies, don’t hate Orthodox Judaism. Separate seating for men and women at prayer is not a tool to subjugate women. It is a tool for making ordinary women seem much more enticing because they’re hidden behind a mehitza. You give me a woman with ordinary looks and you imbue her with modest behavior and clothing and give her fear of God and love of mitzvos, and she becomes very sexy to me.

A lot of women say things to me like, “I’ve got a pretty pussy.” Or, “I want you you to look at my vagina.”

This is not attractive. It’s not what I want to hear. I don’t want to look at pussy. I want to look at Torah. It’s just not modest to look at that place from which so many dirty things emanate.