I Try To Lead The Jews Into The Promised Land Of Heterosexual Love

I’ve had such a trying day.

I got bitten by a ferocious dog.

I made several highly inappropriate remarks of a sexual nature over lunch and accidentally intimated that one or both of my hosts had lied to the other about their possible marriage.

Oy, and I was only trying to make the Torah shine!

I’ve snagged a new job. I drive a friend around. Because I don’t have the bladder of a camel, I stop drinking an hour before I begin my driving in case I get stuck in traffic and can’t use a restroom for hours. So I went hours without drinking a sip of water this afternoon, which always leads me to a massive headache.

Then I push myself to the Isralite/JConnectLA Yom Yerushaliam (Jerusalem Day) party tonight and fate places me at the head of a conga line of Jews (several of them rabbis). We’re moving in constipated homo-erotic jerks completely contrary to Moshe’s wishes for our lives and thus I try to lead the group to where the ladies are and where ultimate fulfillment rests (in the true Torahdic 49-levels of Aish HaTorah fulfillment as prophesed by Ezekiel).

Dancing with women is much hotter. It’s what HaShem would want. Certainly for my life of abstemious self-denial. Some female loving couldn’t hurt, as long as it was in accord with Biblical prophecy and Madonna’s interpretation of kabbalah.

I clap my hands and try to look assertive, manly, more hetero than Oscar Wilde, and very very religious.

And as I step out in faith, confident that HaShem will protect me from shame, as I sway and sing and clap and try to be the Moral Leader, as I move up to my eyeballs in doubt and embarrassment, I turn around and notice that nobody is following me and that I am just making a complete and utter fool of myself.

I flee the party.

I haven’t slept in two nights. As I mentioned, I have a new job. It requires me to rise at 5 a.m. I have this mortal fear that my alarm won’t go off and I will let down my friend and my fear is so severe, that I have not slept the past two nights. I’m a wreck. I’m ashamed and bitten and just a very bad Jew. No wonder nobody follows me.

After I told this Persian Jewess tonight that my name is Levi Ben Avraham, she said with absolute seriouness, "Oh, you’re Jewish?"

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
This entry was posted in Personal and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.