I’ve had such a trying day.
I got bitten by a ferocious dog.
I made several highly inappropriate remarks of a sexual nature over lunch and accidentally intimated that one or both of my hosts had lied to the other about their possible marriage.
Oy, and I was only trying to make the Torah shine!
I’ve snagged a new job. I drive a friend around. Because I don’t have the bladder of a camel, I stop drinking an hour before I begin my driving in case I get stuck in traffic and can’t use a restroom for hours. So I went hours without drinking a sip of water this afternoon, which always leads me to a massive headache.
Then I push myself to the Isralite/JConnectLA Yom Yerushaliam (Jerusalem Day) party tonight and fate places me at the head of a conga line of Jews (several of them rabbis). We’re moving in constipated homo-erotic jerks completely contrary to Moshe’s wishes for our lives and thus I try to lead the group to where the ladies are and where ultimate fulfillment rests (in the true Torahdic 49-levels of Aish HaTorah fulfillment as prophesed by Ezekiel).
Dancing with women is much hotter. It’s what HaShem would want. Certainly for my life of abstemious self-denial. Some female loving couldn’t hurt, as long as it was in accord with Biblical prophecy and Madonna’s interpretation of kabbalah.
I clap my hands and try to look assertive, manly, more hetero than Oscar Wilde, and very very religious.
And as I step out in faith, confident that HaShem will protect me from shame, as I sway and sing and clap and try to be the Moral Leader, as I move up to my eyeballs in doubt and embarrassment, I turn around and notice that nobody is following me and that I am just making a complete and utter fool of myself.
I flee the party.
I haven’t slept in two nights. As I mentioned, I have a new job. It requires me to rise at 5 a.m. I have this mortal fear that my alarm won’t go off and I will let down my friend and my fear is so severe, that I have not slept the past two nights. I’m a wreck. I’m ashamed and bitten and just a very bad Jew. No wonder nobody follows me.
After I told this Persian Jewess tonight that my name is Levi Ben Avraham, she said with absolute seriouness, "Oh, you’re Jewish?"
