Special Yoga Class For The Current Astrological Pattern

I’ve always thought astrology a bunch of nonsense. I don’t deny its validity, I just don’t believe. It all seems very strange to me.

Guru Singh was teaching a special Friday night class. I was of mixed mind. On the one hand, going to the class did not seem like the Jewish thing to do. On the other hand, I had no invites for Shabbat dinner.

I found out just before Shabbat that the eruv was down, so I couldn’t take my yoga mat.

At 6:30 pm, I put on shorts and a t-shirt and then a suit and yarmulke on top of that, and then I strode down the road looking like a good Jew.

When I got to the yoga center, I looked around to see if any Jews could see me, and then popped in.

I was a soggy mess.

I loved it at the yoga center. Everyone loved me here! Like a plant climbs towards the sun, so too I stretched for affection.

I changed into my shorts and t-shirt, grabbed a blanket, and found my normal spot at the back of the room.

It was my second yoga class of the day and I was exhausted. The room was packed. I tried to make conversation with the people around me — how long have you been doing yoga? — but they all gave me clipped answers.

I tried to clear an extra space near me for the latecomers but the buffed blonde bloke who wouldn’t say more than two words to me replied, "’Fraid not.’"

Here’s the Guru’s blog about his class:

Sometimes we find the need to post a special class to provide our online community and visitors a digital window into what is happening in the world and how we can prepare and respond to it.

This weeks class focuses on aligning the Heavenly forces for our Earthly life. We have just emerged from Mercury retrograde and are in the midst of an "extreme" period between two eclipses. This is a time for only conscious action.

Here is the subtler score: the New Moon Solar Eclipse of January 25-26, 2009 and the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse of February 9, 2009 connects with a Mars/ Saturn /Uranus link within the Moon and Jupiter locked on the  8th and 11th of February . . . on these two days be involved with extra meditation and prayer and relaxation.

As this is a binary universe—for every action there is an equal reaction—the two weeks we are reviewing here are not only a time to watch out for, but also a moment of unique opportunity. It can greatly empower anything you truly focus your attention on.

This particular special lesson — PDF of the Yoga Pose Diagrams CLICK HERE to downloadthe MP3 of the actual Kundalini Yoga Class recorded live (warm-up exercises, kriya and meditation) CLICK HERE to download —and for the lecture that matches this class CLICK HERE.

After class, I put on my Jewish uniform and walk a mile to do a little schmoozing with the female Juden.

I’m having the best conversation with a girl about the efficacy of prayer, when dear ol’ Jezebel* walks up and says to my new friend, "Levi is the best man I know, but he hits on every girl in sight."

That ended that conversation.

Thanks Jezebel! At least I don’t sleep with every guy in sight!

I complained to Jezebel later about the inappropriateness of her remark.

"Levi, I love you," she replied, "but I just want you to find something more sustaining than sex."

Is there anything more sustaining?

Wonder what the Guru says?

He prescribed a bunch of exercises but frankly I’m too tired to do them and I don’t believe in astrology anyway.

Being the Gentlemen of Pico-Robertson, I walked two girls home. One was drunk and one was sick. We put our arms around each other and stumbled along singing a song side by side.

I saw an acquantaince and realized I must make obeisance to the proprieties! "I’m just seeing home two sicks friends!" I yell.

"You’re a white knight," she said.

"I’m not sick!" said the drunk girl, "unless you mean mentally sick."

"It was just the right thing to say at that moment," I explained.

After getting about four hours sleep, I stumbled back to shul Shabbos morning.

I didn’t know what Guru Singh is on about with his astrology talk. Everything seemed normal to me.

And then two Jews in front of me and a stack of prayer books and chumashes (Torah plus commentary) got into a shoving match which escalated into verbal violence. One Jew threatened to gather a group together to throw the other guy out. The other Jew buried himself in a chumash and Jewish chanting.

Hmm, something weird was going on. I’ve only once before seen a shoving match in a shul — that was during Kol Nidre at Bnai David-Judea a few years back. An old guy threw his tallis at a young guy in a fight over a seat in the bleachers.

Come Kiddish time, I saw another two Jews squaring off. I know them both. The young guy pulls the old guy’s baseball hat down over his face and then shoves him with one hand. The old guy crashes down, breaking a chair and spilling food everywhere.

The leaders of the shul converged and calmed everyone down and the shover got a stiff talking to from his wife.

He looked a bit sheepish and returned to his food.

This was too weird. There was something in the air. Maybe the planets were pulling me off course.

I left and went home to bed.

The Guru says to spend Sunday and Wednesday in meditation and water.

From my live cam chat:

guest2:  Have you figure out which Hindu Caste suits you best?
YourMoralLeader:  brahmin
guest2:  If you sought to formally convert, would they let you choose your caste?
guest2:  Or would you become an Untouchable?
User guest2 changed their name to HillelHashem.
YourMoralLeader:  untouchable
HillelHashem:  Then you would be stuck with the dark women
HillelHashem:  Do you want to darken your bloodline?
HillelHashem:  You, a man who once aspired to marry a Jewess?
YourMoralLeader:  women can’t get too dark as far as I am concerned
guest1:  WHAT MAKES YOU A MORAL LEADER?
YourMoralLeader:  divine right
YourMoralLeader:  a woman of the lake gave me a sword and anointed me Moral Leader
guest1:  VERY STRANGE…
guest1:  DO YOU HAVE MANY FOLLOWERS?
YourMoralLeader:  The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Luke, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
YourMoralLeader:  v. many
HillelHashem:  Do you have sex with women?
HillelHashem:  Ever?
HillelHashem:  When?
YourMoralLeader:  only on Shabbat as the Torah commands
YourMoralLeader:  and only with the Lady of the Lake
YourMoralLeader:  her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite
guest1:  DO YOU HAVE TO GO UNDERWATER TO MEET HER?
YourMoralLeader:  yes
guest1:  IS HE GOING TO SEE THE LADY OF THE LAKE NOW?
YourMoralLeader:  bloody peasant!
guest1:  DO YOU MAKE YOUR LIVING DOING THIS?
YourMoralLeader:  yes, from gifts and offerings of the heart
HillelHashem:  No ladies in your life, eh?
HillelHashem:  It gets harder as one ages, even as everything else gets softer
guest1:  I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE FALL FOR THE THINGS YOU SAY!
HillelHashem:  Who says they fall for it?
guest1:  YOU ARE RIGHT – PROBABLY NOBODY DOES.
YourMoralLeader:  bloody peasant!
guest3:  calling the lady of the lake?
HillelHashem:  He is calling his Yogi
HillelHashem:  Yogi Bear
guest3:  right! that is the only one who would care about his stories.
guest3:  it is very entertaining to discover the outrageous things people believe in.
HillelHashem:  Luke, do world economic events trouble you?
guest3:  he has to consult with the lady of the lake for his answers first.
guest3:  what’s next? calling me a "bloody peasant?"
HillelHashem:  I wonder if Luke knows anyone who Bernie Madoff scammed
guest3:  yes – his buddy  the lady of the lake.
guest3:  rabbi – is that a pout we see?

Khunrum emails: “We can forgive Luke’s miserable batting average with the Yiddisha chippies these past years, zero zero zero zero ..Certainly they are too smart to get involved with an under funded Kooky Pauper living in a closet and driving a 50 year old van. But Luke should be scoring better with the New Age Crowd. Many of these New Age-Yogi-Hindi woman are every bit as loony as Luke. So why isn’t he Kama Sutraizing with one or more of them?. Seems like “easy pickin’s” to me. What’s going on buddy?”

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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