The Trouble With Bernie

From my live cam chat:

BernardMadoff:  Oh Emma, when I was your age and dating boys, I felt the same way. But then my parents took me to the rabbi and then I had to get married to a woman
BernardMadoff:  And this woman, she wanted me to buy her things.  She wanted me to ….do things…to her
BernardMadoff:  That created children, for whom my wife had to buy still more things.
BernardMadoff:  all this money that I needed.
BernardMadoff:  That’s why I ended up in trouble
BernardMadoff:  women!
BernardMadoff:  Let’s all share our New Year’s resolutions
BernardMadoff:  Mine is to stay out of jail
Emma:  Stop drinking
BernardMadoff:  (Luke that won’t help you any)
YourMoralLeader:  Tzipi Lipni looks hot when she’s bombing hamas, let us all do tai chi now
BernardMadoff:  Luke needs a wayward Bais Yakov girl
guest2:  she would be on the cover of auto mechanics
Emma:  Would you kiss your mother with that mouth Berny
BernardMadoff:  Emma, does this make you….excited?
BernardMadoff:  these exercises
Emma:  Luke has his mojo back
guest17:  MAKE HER SICK
guest2:  suck the gut in
BernardMadoff:  That’s why your dad needs to meet up with him
BernardMadoff:  He’s practicing his sexual technique RIGHT NOW
BernardMadoff:  small strokes…inout inout
guest2:  i feel the sexual tension oozing thru the cam
BernardMadoff:  pushing emmas father off him
BernardMadoff:  preparing to do battle with Negroes
guest2:  he is the gumby i crave
BernardMadoff:  the man is RIPPED
guest17:  YES HIS PANTS
Emma:  Where did Luke learn this?
BernardMadoff:  I taught him
guest2:  you will learn more in jail
BernardMadoff:  I taught him how to blog, how to make love to a woman, and how to invest
guest2:  but try not to bend too much
guest2:  all not to his advantage
BernardMadoff:  I will not end up in jail any more than Marc Rich ended up in jail
BernardMadoff:  If I could still get erections, this would do it for me
guest2:  your wife still wants you
BernardMadoff:  Not since the money went away
guest2:  after she finishes writing her next cookbook she will cook your books for you
BernardMadoff:  Then why not you and Luke?
guest2:  i want a man that a shul wants as a member

YourMoralLeader:  you guys know the bathroom prayer?
BernardMadoff:  Thank you God for giving me a Mexican to clean up this room when I am done with it
BernardMadoff:  There should be prayers to thank G-d for inventing Mexicans

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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