As Pico-Robertson Turns III

Read part one here. Part two.

Her name is Rachel the Rabbi Killer aka Rachel Gold.

She makes $200,000 a year selling ads for the Jewish Journal.

She won’t be denied. When she enters a rabbi’s office, she won’t leave until he’s agreed to advertise.

In return, she’s the most Torah-loving Jew you’ll ever meet. She goes to Torah classes all over town. She arranges for private sessions one-on-one. She won’t be denied.

Rachel has high Jewish standards and believes in separate roles for men and women. No matter how much they beg her, she’ll never allow a man to tie her up in his tefillin. What she won’t mind is getting tied up in his tefilla (prayer). When he wraps her up in his big white tallit and sways back and forth against her saying shacharit, she’s the happiest girl in the world.

The one group of people who are not happy with Rachel are the rebbitzens. They hate her. They accuse her of trying to steal their men.

Rachel is 39 and has never married because she gets bored easily. The only men who excite her are those who are learned in Torah.

Rachel says it distresses her even more than the rebbitzens the way some of these old fat rabbis pursue her. Oy, their text messages! "Rachela, I’m in Santa Monica at the pier. Want to join me for a walk? You just starred in a dream of mine. You made me very happy."

"Ewww," she tells me when she shares the email. "What makes him think he can talk to me this way? I’ve never done anything to provoke him. I’ve been nothing but respectful. He has twelve kids. His wife teaches Torah. I don’t think I can ever face him again."

I take her in my arms and hold her close and assure her that not all Torah Jews are predators.

"No!" she snaps. "I’m not going to do that until you put a sheet over your Jerusalem posters. It’s just not right. I can’t do that while there’s a photo of the Wall staring down at me."

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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