From his 2012 show on Netflix, You People Are All The Same.
Bill: Only white people get face lifts, because black people know about lotion.
That’s why you’ve got to hang out with everybody. There’s too much information in the world and every people miss a little bit. White people totally missed the lotion seminar… We missed that like black people missed the whole ‘Register Your Weapons’ summit. Just never got the information. The number of rappers busted for an unregistered glock in the car blows my mind. Why would you do that to yourself? Do you want to make an album over the phone? It breaks my heart every time I see it. If he just had one white friend in his entourage, dude would have been sitting there saying, ‘Is that thing registered? Are you out of your mind? Yeah, it’s illegal. It’s three to five mandatory.’
* Where are those old school women you could just take your day out on?
* There are no reasons to hit a woman? I could give you 17 off the top of my head. Women, how many times this week did you think about slapping your guy in the head?
* “I’m passionate.” That’s what they say when they flail away.
LET IT GO:
* Women are constantly patting themselves on the back over how difficult their lives are and no one corrects them because they want to **** ’em.
I’M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY
* 85% of you have to go… This will not be arbitrary. This is not multiple choice. Under your seats is a questionaire. If you did not bring a pencil, you’re already out.
* F*** you and your group. There’s two million in your group? There are 400 million in this country.
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* “It’s kinda hard to enjoy heaven when your family and friends are burning forever.”
* You can date them, you can take them to shul, you can Facebook them, just don’t put it on Instagram! (Donald Sterling via Bill Burr)
* I’m having a Holocaust themed pool party. Everyone get in de pool!
* “You know what makes women happy? Nothing.”
* “The commissioner could punt a baby across his office with his wingtips on and I would still watch football.”
* “Jesus likes hookers and lepers but doesn’t like the queers.”
* “You give me freedom of choice. You make whores. You make me bad at math. You think this thing is not going off the rails?”
