I’m watching this Israeli TV show “Prisoners of War” and this gorgeous girl, working undercover, throws herself at this guy to try to suck information out of him. And I’m thinking, I’d give anything to be this guy. This is such a sweet deal. She has such a huge incentive to be nice, I’d love a relationship like this. I don’t care that it is based on deceit and using, in fact, those are my favorite kind of relationships. I don’t care that it will only last as long as she finds me useful. It just seems like a good starter relationship, to get yourself back in the game after long years in captivity. I really dig controllable intimacy, where you get the simulcrae of intimacy but without the messiness because one of you has the power and will set the limit on how it runs and for how long. Afterward, you don’t have to feel bad about screwing things up because it always came with an end date. You don’t have to confront your neediness and your bad traits that doom relationships, you can just tell yourself, this was doomed from the beginning, I don’t need to learn anything I don’t want to learn, I’m off the hook.
I’ve long liked to date emotionally unavailable women because they were more safe. When things went bad, I didn’t have to look at myself. I didn’t have to take the blame. I had an excuse for all our problems. I could just take what I wanted and keep my eyes open for my true love.
Guys like me are just fine as long as we’re getting laid and getting paid. Either of those things stop, and we start falling apart. It’s called counterdependency and most counterdependents are men and most codependents are women.
“Counterdependency is the state of refusal of attachment, the denial of personal need and dependency, and may extend to the omnipotence and refusal of dialogue found in destructive narcissism, for example.”
My self-care went in the toilet when I lost Min Ho a few years ago. Filipinas really know how to take care of a man. She’d cook, clean, fix my computer, sort out my technical and mechanical issues such as inadequate blood flow. A lot of Jews I know have Filipina nurse GFs. Nurses make for great girlfriends because they’re into taking care of someone and they’re co-dependent and you can be counter-dependent, and in the beginning at least, you can just take and take until she wises up. I just bought this stationary bike delivered to my door in two days. I’ve managed eight miles so far, and burned 100 calories, about one-fourth of the calories of the chocolate protein banana smoothie I’ve been consuming three times a day for the past week. I’m plump tuckered out but kinda proud that I assembled the bike myself. It’s a nice change getting off my back to get some exercise (I was just bicycling my feet in the air for the past year because plantar fascitis and elbow pain limited other exercises).
I’m basically depressed unless I’m talking about sex. That’s what people pick up — there’s a deep sadness about me unless I’m talking about something that excites me.
Folks, if you want what I have, you’re going to have to do what I did.
