I remind myself of the fictional journalist Mikael Blomkvist, but it is the girl with the dragon tattoo who really gets me going. I empathize with her rage and her fierce desire for independence.
A big part of the reason that I love blogging and teaching Alexander Technique is that nobody can tell me what to do and nobody can take away my license. I can do my own thing and for that privilege I will pay almost any price.
When I decided to train to be an Alexander teacher, I knew that I’d have to rein in many of my habitual impulses to offend. I knew the work would take place with the same people year after year in a small room.
So for three years, I largely held myself in check. It wasn’t that hard. I’ve done it many times before. I wasn’t totally successful in my goal, but the amount of offense I gave in the classroom was about one-tenth of the amount I gave outside of it.
On my first day of training, I learned the school had a policy of no public discussion of controversial issues such as sex, politics and religion because that could get in the way of the work.
For the first few months, I thought the director was a priss and I loathed the policy. Then I gradually came to see its wisdom and adopted it for my own teaching.
I never deliberately give offense to my Alexander students during their lessons. I don’t bring up sex, politics or religion unless I know the person’s boundaries. I don’t (usually) say things to distract from the work.
Outside of lessons, however, I feel about as much joy in offending as I ever did. Despite years of Alexander lessons, my bad boy posts on Facebook remain a principle source of my energy.
On my blog, I’ve calmed down, but I am still routinely giving offense.
I loathe people who abuse authority and I can’t wait to bring them down. That’s what drives me. I think. I remember figures in my early life who abused their religious authority and I hate anybody who reminds me of them.
My offensive writings curtail my success as an Alexander teacher, reduce the number of my potential students and complicate my relationships with my peers.
I wonder where I will go from here?