My Mom & Dad In The Chatroom

Or somebody imitating them:

GillianFord:  Nobody checks for sinkers or floaters like you, Des! Our boy has been such a heartache. Why does he remain so silent? And why must he continually abuse the kindness of the Jewish people that he’s forced himself upon?
RevDesmondFord:  His silence is a measure of his cowardice. And his anti-semitic activities are another manifestation of the blasted "hee-hee" personality that I tried to knock out of him as a young pup.
GillianFord:  I recall when we thought at one time his problems were hormonal in nature. I was all set to fix him up, but then the little bugger asked me, "Mummy, will I grow breasts like yours?" Then he cracked a fat and did his "monkey business" right in the kitchen
RevDesmondFord:  SPEAK UP, BOY! Blasted little turd.
GillianFord:  I was aghast and agog, but I never told you for fear of what you’d do to him.
RevDesmondFord:  You should have told me, Gill.
GillianFord:  Yes, Luke, please don’t ignore your family like this.
RevDesmondFord:  I’d have straightened him out on the spot.
guest22:  I need alot of help tonight
guest22:  hello my morel leader
RevDesmondFord:  It’s not your fault, Gill. Why, I recall the time you brought home a red rubber enema kit in hopes that a hot-water treatment might do some good.
guest22:  please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moses:  i need some help wrapping tefillin…anyone?
RevDesmondFord:  but the boy’s rectum had twisted in a loop due to his frolics with the wallabees. we had to push it back in.
guest22:  put between your legs
RevDesmondFord:  My son is a fraud and an anti-semite. I suggest seeking legitimate religious counsel.
guest22:  and wrap the alumuin
GillianFord:  But his anus would often loop out of his rectum, Des! Do you recall what a time we had trying to force it back into place. And the entire time he would wiggle his bum most obscenely while cracking a fat.
Moses:  seriously…any tefillin experts out there?
GillianFord:  Why won’t you speak to us, son? We only want to help.
guest22:  you people are very sick
RevDesmondFord:  i remember that all too well, Gill.
RevDesmondFord:  i clouted him a good one – that put him to sleep, at least.
guest22:  where is your web cam
Moses:  folks, seriously, the cam with the port st. lucis police scanner is more exciting
guest22:  helloooooo
GillianFord:  Luke, please tell us more about thsi Rabbi Gadol you’ve created and whom you believe "converted" you. This is a clear manifestation of a mental illness.
RevDesmondFord:  never mind my son’s narcissistic "web cam" – he’s a dullard, a fraud and a mentally ill ponce beyond all hope or help.
guest22:  WHERE IS YOUR WEB CAM!!!!!!
RevDesmondFord:  Yes, son, let’s hear about the imaginary Rabbi.
User guest22 left the room.
RevDesmondFord:  remember, whelp: self-administered "conversion" = no conversion at all.
GillianFord:  For years I suffered from bouts of suicidal depression…a hormonal imbalance, I thought at the time. ow I realize that it was the boy. THE BOY!!!!
RevDesmondFord:  I told you, Gill.
GillianFord:  Des, where did we go wrong? Was it myr well-intended coddling?
RevDesmondFord:  I’m glad you believe me now. Shame it took so long; perhaps we could have simply put the boy in a home for the mentally infirm.
RevDesmondFord:  There’s no point in shilly-shallying about the root of this mess.
GillianFord:  I would have been willing to try what the Yanks clal "tough love." We could have driven him to the bush and let him sort things out abo style.
RevDesmondFord:  Our c**t of a son would not have survived. A blessing, that would have been.
RevDesmondFord:  ISN’T THAT RIGHT, BOY?
GillianFord:  Luke, how do you arrive at the conclusion that you’re a "moral leader?" From childhood you’ve been disobedient and a liar. Why, your candy intake alone was staggering…and expressly against out beliefs.
RevDesmondFord:  Gill, I commend you on the letter you wrote about the boy. You made some fair-dinkum sound points.
RevDesmondFord:  Not only a liar, but a malicious little c**t.
GillianFord:  I regret it did little good. But I felt sorry for the child. His dreams of being devoured by snakes touched my heart. I realize now that, in a Freudian sense, this was just another manifestation of his homosexuality, but, still…
RevDesmondFord:  The shame of it is he thinks his rot is "clever" – much as his mentally deficient fans find humour in their own fecal matter. SINKERS, the lot of you!
RevDesmondFord:  i ought to strangle the ba***rd.
RevDesmondFord:  WHAT’S THE MATTER, BOY?
GillianFord:  For a clever lot, they have very little to say, Des. This is Luke’s problem. He’ll take attention from wherever he can find it. This lot of mouth-breathers has me scared!
RevDesmondFord:  Notice how silent he is when there are no mildly retarded 18-year-old girls to "impress" with the pap he spews over the internet!
RevDesmondFord:  What a worthless c**t.
RevDesmondFord:  Gill, how is our other son Paul doing? And dear Ellen?
GillianFord:  Oh, I checked in earlier, Des, and he was quite the little chatterbox. Offering to show the poor feeble-minded child his "etchings." He was trying to use double-entendres…and not doing it well.
RevDesmondFord:  Typical. It’s like when he plagiarizes the work of others and calls it "satire."
GillianFord:  Oh, Paul! Why he’s the light of our life, Des! he found his own way in the world. Ellen too. Luke was as clingy as one of those vines the abos find so useful in their stone-age lifestyle.
RevDesmondFord:  Gill, may God forgive me, but I couldn’t fail to notice that Holly Randall has a bum as big as all outdoors! At least that sheila wised up on the subject of our wretched son.
GillianFord:  I must say, I’ve been quite disturbed by some our boy’s "writings," if you can call them that.
RevDesmondFord:  Rightly so.
GillianFord:  For example: Acting in anger and hatred throughout my life, I frequently precipitated what I feared most, the loss of friendships and the need to rely upon the very people I’d abused.Acting in anger and hatred throughout my life, I frequently precipitate
GillianFord:  d what I feared most, the loss of friendships and the need to rely upon the very people I’d abused.d what I feared most, the loss of friendships and the need to rely upon the very people I’d abused.
GillianFord:  My, a simple solution would just be to stop behaving like a fair-dinkum…what’s the word I’m looking for, Des?
GillianFord:  Oh, yes, PONCE! There. I said it.
RevDesmondFord:  I wouldn’t call them writings – I’d call it hysterical bleating and mewling. That’s what our son does when he’s not puking up electronic plagiarism or casting ill-founded aspersions on others in a charade of superiority.
RevDesmondFord:  the self-absorbed c**t. i believe that’s the word you’re looking for, Gill: c**t.
GillianFord:  he also wrote: By age ten many of the boys in my school had powerful sex drives which they released through mutual masturbationBy age ten many of the boys in my school had powerful sex drives which they released through mutual masturbation
RevDesmondFord:  sounds like Luke and that scamp Wayne Cherry.
GillianFord:  Oh, Des, how many times did we interrupt Luke and Wayne Cherry? Even the cold spray from a garden couldn’t separate those two.
RevDesmondFord:  i should have knocked their skulls together and scrambled their spilled brains for breakfast with some Weet-Bix.
GillianFord:  Oh, Des, when you talk like that, ny hormone levels fluctuate wildly!
RevDesmondFord:  Here’s another quote from Luke that reveals much of his sorry character:
RevDesmondFord:  "Compared to most Jews, I’m the Messiah."
RevDesmondFord:  can you believe the boy actually made such a statement?
RevDesmondFord:  I know, Gill, you say he has a mental illness — but I say it’s nothing a cricket bat couldn’t cure!
GillianFord:  I blame that on his birth mother Gwen. She layed some "heavy" burdens on the boy when she told him he’d do "great things" for God. Most biys would have grown out of that, but Luke never did.
RevDesmondFord:  well, she paid for it in the end, I’m sad to say. the rotten fruit of her womb gave her cancer, he did.
RevDesmondFord:  I only married Gwen because her vagina resembled a box jellyfish.
User Moses left the room.
GillianFord:  Well, Des, there have been some interesting studies that indicate that a severe wallop or several to the head will craete hormonal changes. Perhaps that would set the boy straight. Or as "straight" as we could hope for at this date.
User guest24 left the room.
RevDesmondFord:  I fear it’s a lost cause, Gill.
RevDesmondFord:  The best we can do now is to hope he’ll stick a gun in his mouth and decorate that squalid "hovel" of his with shards of his skull.
GillianFord:  Well, let;s not forget that episode of Gilligan’s Island where Gilligan took a lump to the noggin from a coconut and became an entirely diffeent person from the blow.
GillianFord:  Of course, a second blow caused Gilligan to revert the same moron he had been before. Tragic, really.
RevDesmondFord:  Y’know, Gill, I ought to use that as a parable in my next sermon.
GillianFord:  But perhaps worth a try. Son? Can your father and I smash you in the cranium with a coconut?
RevDesmondFord:  Makes about as much sense as everything else we do in the SDA!
RevDesmondFord:  I’ll blind the boy with one blow to the noggin.
RevDesmondFord:  Just one shot – boom, boom, out go the lights!
GillianFord:  Now, Des, you know the National Geographic noted how long we SDA’ers live due to our our active lifestyles and healthy diets of grains and legumes…which don’t include stolen Cocoa Krispies intended for the homeless!
RevDesmondFord:  I was just berating the boy about that incident; true to form, he remained silent. Because he has no excuse.
RevDesmondFord:  Next time, I’ll make him buy TRIPLE what he stole from the homeless and make him eat a live cane toad.
GillianFord:  The boy does have an unhealthy passion for sweets. Why once I caught him inserting a peppermint into his anus and then into gob while he did his "monkey business" in the back yard.
RevDesmondFord:  Do you know what the boy had the nerve to say when I confronted him about his theft?
GillianFord:  He was lost in his own little world, I’ll tell you. He started to frighten me. And the neighbors too, no doubt.
RevDesmondFord:  "Stolen Cocoa Krispies taste the sweetest, Dad." It was then that I fetched my cricket bat and swung it straight at his face. Hence the ugliness you see before you now.
RevDesmondFord:  What’s the matter, son? SPEAK UP!!!
RevDesmondFord:  Gill, why do you think the boy is so dumbstruck?
GillianFord:  I thought that was due to his auto accident. You know the one where he was blinded by the sun and drove smack into a school bus? I believe it damaged a gland in his head.
GillianFord:  And possibly his brain!
RevDesmondFord:  I’d gladly sacrifice a second schoolbus to see Luke removed from the earth.
GillianFord:  But, son, please explain to us your fascination with pretend Judaism. And don’t say it’s just just to "honk off" your dad.
RevDesmondFord:  it’s obvious, Gill.
GillianFord:  Oh, Des, speaking of school buses, do you recall that wonderful joke you told me when we were courting?
YourMoralLeader:  hi
RevDesmondFord:  Why, no!
GillianFord:  You asked me what was yellow on the outside, black on the inside and screams.
GillianFord:  I said I had no idea.
RevDesmondFord:  perhaps our son can provide the punchline!
GillianFord:  You said, and I’ll never forget this, "A bus full of fair-dinkum abos going over a cliff."
RevDesmondFord:  Well, I suppose we did have a few laughs… even though our wretched son made us deadly ill most of the time.
GillianFord:  I believe this is where Luke gets some his racial fears. But I still don’t get why he takes out his hatred on the Jews who never did anything to him but reject him for the fraud he so obviously is.
RevDesmondFord:  as I said, Gill, it’s obvious.
GillianFord:  Please, son, won’t you speak to us?
GillianFord:  Exlain yourself so that we can understand.
YourMoralLeader:  Hi mom and dad
GillianFord:  At last! Our boy speaks, Des!
RevDesmondFord:  factor in his obsession with Dennis Prager, who rejected him; and, really, that fixation is no more than the perspective of any right-wing nutter tuning into talk radio.
RevDesmondFord:  You sicken me, son. WHy did you drive your stepmum to suicidal depression?
GillianFord:  I for one felt vey sorry for his hero Dennis. Luke terribly abused their relationship.
RevDesmondFord:  Yes, I felt sorry for the man, too.
GillianFord:  It’s true, son. I thought it was the hormones, but it was YOU!!!!!
GillianFord:  Won’t you have a dialogie with us, son?
RevDesmondFord:  yes, SPEAK UP, son!
RevDesmondFord:  tell us about the imaginary rabbi who "converted" you. Your stepmum is keen to hear about it.
GillianFord:  Yes, Luke, we’re your parents. We only wants what’s best for you: a padded room at a quiet facility where you ca receive the care you need.
RevDesmondFord:  son, did you know that memorizing religious rituals in a half-arsed fashion does not give you any legitimate right to pose as a Jewish person?
GillianFord:  That would be the same as an abo trying to be a member of the SDA.
RevDesmondFord:  Say what you like about the abos and their bloody mischief, but those heathen savages would never sink to the scummy level of our son Luke’s behavior, Gill.
GillianFord:  From what we’ve read, they’ve become fair-dnkum sexualized through the drnking of spirits and watching porn…they bugger their own children!
RevDesmondFord:  not unlike our son.
GillianFord:  But I believe the fraud our son is prpetrating is even worse. He’s civilized.
RevDesmondFord:  yes, far worse.
RevDesmondFord:  he’s deceitful and false in all things.
GillianFord:  Tell us about your self-performed conversion, son.
GillianFord:  You’ll feel better when you do.
RevDesmondFord:  and he’s remarkably quiet without any of his "supporters" around to bolster his specious arguments.
RevDesmondFord:  SPEAK UP, BOY!
RevDesmondFord:  before i clout you on the noggin!
GillianFord:  Another selection from our son’s "writing," Des:
GillianFord:  One day in fourth grade, a friend and I got caught looking at his brother’s porn collection. I have never been so frightened. One day in fourth grade, a friend and I got caught looking at his brother’s porn collection. I have never been so frightened.
RevDesmondFord:  i remember that day. Luke cracked a fat and pounced on his friend Wayne Cherry.
GillianFord:  Perhaps this was what sent him on the road to sodomy? Luke, whn I’d spank you for misbehaving, you’d often crack a fat.
RevDesmondFord:  it was awful, Gill.
GillianFord:  And yet, we’d so often catch you alone with wayne Cherry. "Cherry the Fairy," I believe is what the other boys called him.
RevDesmondFord:  almost as abhorrent as the boy’s current charade.
GillianFord:  Son, why won’t you speak to us? Have we noot been good parents to you?
RevDesmondFord:  Luke, your stepmum and I would like the address of your synagogue and the name of your rabbi. We’ve compiled a selection of your anti-semitic internet blather that would be of keen interest to the congregation.
GillianFord:  Yes, Luke, it’s really the only way you can be a true "moral leader."
RevDesmondFord:  Gill, I still can’t get over the whelp’s statement: "Compared to most Jews, I’m the Messiah."
RevDesmondFord:  I ought to get hold of this Brad Greenberg chap and set him straight on the subject.
GillianFord:  More from his "writing," Des:
GillianFord:  After hearing a powerful sermon on the End of Time, I once burst out to the evangelist, "If I make the world better, I’ll only delay the Second Coming of Jesus."After hearing a powerful sermon on the End of Time,
GillianFord:   I once burst out to the evangelist, "If I make the world better, I’ll only delay the Second Coming of Jesus." I once burst out to the evangelist, "If I make the world better, I’ll only delay the Second Coming of Jesus."
GillianFord:  "That’s right," said my father. "Don’t mess it up, boy." "That’s right," said my father. "Don’t mess it up, boy."
GillianFord:  He then handed my my well-worn spoon and anther burst cane toad. "Now start chewing, lad!" I was deadly scared. He then handed my my well-worn spoon and anther burst cane toad. "Now start chewing, lad!" I was deadly scared.
RevDesmondFord:  That’s right – don’t mess it up, boy!
GillianFord:  Des, you were a fine father. Too bad Luke was so obstinate.
RevDesmondFord:  Gill, I know I blamed you for all the mollycoddling but it’s time we faced the truth: our son is s**t.
RevDesmondFord:  should have snapped his neck when he was a child.
GillianFord:  I’m afraid I have to agree, Des.
GillianFord:  At 41 years of age, he still hasn’t changed.
RevDesmondFord:  at least our son Paul turned out well.
GillianFord:  I still believe a good treatment with the right hormones could cure the booy. His old website had pictures of him with what looked like a penis in his mouth.
GillianFord:  He also said that he was  a homosexual.
RevDesmondFord:  A 41-year-old man who spends his days breathing heavily into a web-cam to borderline retards, hoping to slip his wormy c**k into some sheila. And calling himself a "moral leader" at that, while defaming the Jews every chance he gets.
GillianFord:  He later told his brother Paul it was "a joke." But, Des, you’re a paragon of manliness, does a masculine man say such things? Even in jest?
RevDesmondFord:  he’s desperate to feel superior.
GillianFord:  Perhaps we should have him committed? He does have a gun. He could be a dange to himself and others.
RevDesmondFord:  No man makes such jests – Gill, it’s as if we raised an ugly girl who has permanently stalled at age 13.
GillianFord:  Please, Luke, I beg of you, tell us the story of your conversion.
GillianFord:  It might help us understand.
GillianFord:  Your continued silence only makes yo seem like the petulant child you wee growing up.
GillianFord:  Would you like mummy to spank you again?
RevDesmondFord:  which would explain the "blog" – the equivalent of a teenaged girl’s diary. It’s certainly not writing of any caliber I’d recognize. It’s the absence of any standards on the internet that allows Luke to "publish" this garbage.
GillianFord:  Oh, Des, I feel we’re fighting for a lost cause.
GillianFord:  I feel a hormonal imbalance coming on! I feel…so…dizzy!!!!
RevDesmondFord:  He claims to be an "author" yet all of his so-called books are SELF-PUBLISHED – really, nothing more than anti-semitic tracts.
RevDesmondFord:  Calm down, Gill!
GillianFord:  Do you have your old Tommy Roe records? hearing "Dizzy" would make me feel so much better!
RevDesmondFord:  The boy shattered them all while wrsetling with Wayne Cherry.
RevDesmondFord:  Then he broke my Bubble Puppy album.
RevDesmondFord:  I was full of hot smoke and sassafrass that day, I’ll tell you!
GillianFord:  I’ve also noticed that even on his website that he does very little "writing." He mostly copies and pastes. That’s not really writing, is it Desmond?
GillianFord:  When I wrote my book, I didn’t copy and paste.
RevDesmondFord:  No, it’s not writing at all. Yet he passes himself off as a credible source of information.
RevDesmondFord:  SPEAK UP, SON!
GillianFord:  Des! I’m feeling funny down in my "female parts!" It’s the hormones!!!!!!
RevDesmondFord:  I’m telling you, Gill, it’s just the boy. He’s upsetting you.
RevDesmondFord:  Won’t even speak to his own parents.
GillianFord:  Take out your Canned Heat records and soothe me to the dulcet tones of Bob Hite and Alan "Blind Owl" Wilson.
RevDesmondFord:  He’s too busy attempting to defame rabbis and spread the word about his own misplaced sense of superiority.
GillianFord:  I feel like a volcano about to erupt, Desmond!
GillianFord:  I’m angry and sad…and I can’t stop crying. To be ignored like this by our own son.
RevDesmondFord:  that, and trolling for sheilas. A true "moral leader" – his crippled congregation of social retards embraces his rot with the mindless fervor of a pack of bloody abos!
GillianFord:  Well, perhaps like those abos, Des, we should shuffle off to salvage what can of this evening.
RevDesmondFord:  I know, Gill. Youve got to get hold of yourself – this depression is nothing more than a normal reaction to raising a turd for a son.
RevDesmondFord:  I’ll fetch the Johnny Rivers album – get me some legumes, Gill. We must be strong.
GillianFord:  I want to tear out my hair and teeth, Des! What a sinker we have loosed upon the world. If there was only some way to pull a handle and flush him away.
RevDesmondFord:  There might be, Gill. When I find the address of his synagogue, I’ll march down there straightaway and enlighten them all as to our son’s true motives.
GillianFord:  Johnny Rivers? I LOVE Johnny Rivers!!!
RevDesmondFord:  That man is a genius.
GillianFord:  Let’s go, Des! Put on that L.A. Regge album…the one with "Rockin’ Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu!"
RevDesmondFord:  I can see that our son has no appetite for argument – without teenaged girls to serve as his cheerleaders, he’s deaf and dumb. I’ll meet you by the record player, Gill.
GillianFord:  While we enjoy the shank of the evening, our son can wallow in his own misery on "The Poor Side of Town."
RevDesmondFord:  Cheers, Gill!
RevDesmondFord:  And son? BUGGER OFF!
GillianFord:  Cheers, Des!

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (
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