I Spent $50 Today To Be Alone With A Beautiful Woman For Two Hours

It was money well spent even if it was on a doctor of acupuncture.

I feel confident that wherever I go this week, women will sense that I have not been without the company of the fairer sex.

This is called social proof and pre-selection.

It’ll make women want me more.

Here’s the back story: I’m a wimp. I’m not very strong. I sit at home all day and listen to pop songs and write about my feelings. This does not make for a manly man.

So in the evenings when I wield the Camera of Death, its weight pulls tendons away from my elbow, creating a lot of pain and increased weakness which leads to increased elbow problems.

I’ve been in this vicious cycle for over two years.

I bought an ergonomic keyboard from safetype.com which helps. I bought an ergonomic mouse at the same location. I stopped abusing myself. I stopped flipping people off. I strapped on tefillin every morning.

These things helped but not enough. The burden of sin I carried was too heavy and it kept tearing tendons away from my elbow whenever I took immodest photos or wrote lashon hara (which I did every day except Saturdays).

In September 2006, I opened the yellow pages and found a lovely Asian acupuncturist near me. I fell in love with her (platonically). After a few months of $80 sessions (plus herbs!), my elbow problems were solved but my monetary problems were just beginning.

I cut out the acupuncture and the Oriental massage. I stopped snorting cocaine and chasing hookers while taking helicopter rides around the Grand Canyon.

Over the next year of abstinence, my elbow problems returned with a vengeance. Almost every time I brought a sheila over to the hovel, it was to work on my joint.

"Now I’ve made you happy," I’d say, "could you rub my elbow? I strained it taking care of you."

Last week, I decided to Google "’cheap acupuncture’ Los Angeles" and I found two colleges: Emperor’s College in Santa Monica and the YoSan Community Clinic.

I’ve used each of them and I recommend them both. Acupuncture sessions cost $30 (the initial consultation at YoSan is $50).

It’s not so much the acupuncture that I’m paying for. It’s the nurturing. I need a sympathetic female ear to listen to my many complaints. Then I need to be pierced by needles to expiate my sins.

By the time I walk out, I feel like most Jews coming out of Yom Kippur services — born again and ready to sin anew.

(I glimpsed the same white doctor at both colleges.)

YoSan is more luxurious. While Emperor’s College makes you sign an agreement to not sexually harass the staff and to not comment on their appearance, YoSan makes no such explicit demand (though I think it is tacky to compliment women on their appearance in these situations). YoSan also features this delicious Ancient Treasures Tea in the waiting room (I didn’t see any free tea at Emperor’s College). It’s a very powerful aphrodisiac. I had four cups and I’ve been up all day. I can’t get down.

I’d call my doctor but he’s a man so how can help me?

On the downside, YoSan didn’t pipe music into my room while I was lying there like a pin cushion.

Both colleges offer low-cost herbs. I used to have to pay $70 for a two-week supply of this awful-tasting Chinese tea but I never got that thrust at me at these places. On the plus side, those horrible herbs did stop me from rising six times a night to play water music on my throne.

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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