I will go from room to room in my hovel holding only a candle and a feather and a spoon and I will scoop up the remaining crumbs of bread and chant some gnarly incantations.
Following that, I will stage a virtual seder for shut-ins.
This is a spiritual experience not to be missed.
POSTSCRIPT: It was a wild time in the chat room. I had a total of one viewer.
It went like this:
Jimmy: hi Head of Household
Jimmy: I’d love to see what you do for Halloween
User guest213 entered the room.
Jimmy: Hi 213 Luke is doing rituals
Jimmy: Good work, Luke!
For those of you who missed seeing my ceremony live, a replay is up on YouTube.
It’s the first time I’ve done bedikat hametz. I’ve always given it the big skip.
Why? I couldn’t be bothered. But now I’ve got a cam, it makes these rituals exciting. I can be an exhibitionist and a narcissist and it’s all in the service of G-d.
If only I could’ve done it in my speedo.
I’ll be going away for three days, guys. I’m going to destroy the temple of Lukeford.net and rebuild it.
I won’t be making any updates from Friday sundown until Monday sundown. Instead I will be engaged in prayer, Torah study and self-nullification.
Daughters of Jerusalem, weep not for me but for yourselves, and for your children…
Verily I say unto thee, to day shalt thou be with me in paradise.
Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit…
Emma: Ohhhh
Emma: Yum
Emma: Whats that?
Emma: Crisps
Moses: the moral leader is eating lettuce with his hands
Emma: lettuce
Emma: Oh
Moses: that lettuce better be kosher
Emma: I’m blind
Emma: Luke you eat very healthy
Emma: Thats awesome
Moses: you wouldnt believe how fast noah eats…it’s like there’s another flood coming
Moses: luke, would you like to eat dinner with solomon and i sometime?
Moses: we go out to the bar, drink wine and throw darts at a picture of herrod
Emma: Ok I’m going to bed… I guess you won’t be on untill Monday then?
RunForrest: Awww i know that movie
RunForrest: it’s National Treasure
RunForrest: awesome to hear it
Moses: luke, after shabbat we go out bowling…usually it’s kings vs. prophets…we always kick their butts
Moses: luke…i must leave you for a while…charlton heston finally showed up in heaven…we’re going to watch our movie and compare notes.
WELSH: good to see you’ve had a tidy!!
Jimmy: Rev Des claimed you didn’t officially convert He’s full of it right?
Jimmy: I will watch it many times Luke!
guest214: HEY MORAL LEADER
Jimmy: I believe Luke
PLAYA: SO WAT’S THIS ABOUT
GROVER: will we see it here?
Jimmy: Luke just finish a ritual. Now uploading it to Youtube
Jimmy: Luke you said before youre doing $10/day Surely youre doing better now?
User PLAYA changed their name to WESTSIDEDAGRANDE.
GROVER: ur starting to look like a quaker luke
WESTSIDEDAGRANDE: WAT DOES THIS CAM SUPPOSED 2 BE ABOUT
Jimmy: yeah becuz the moustache and beard aren’t connected thickly
YourMoralLeader: nope jimmy, doing worse
Jimmy: Luke I am trying to think of a new schtick for you everyday
GROVER: what is your religion luke ? not that it matters to me
WESTSIDEDAGRANDE: ARE YOU GUYS GAY
GROVER: i think hes a religion teacher
WESTSIDEDAGRANDE: MORAL LEADER
GROVER: christ ur a rabbi
GROVER: an australian rabbi wow
GORDO: MAN THIS IS GAY AND UR GAY MORAL LEADER
GROVER: i just find it bizarre
User DBL185 changed their name to RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller.
YourMoralLeader: hi rabbi
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: call me chuck
YourMoralLeader: Hi chuck
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: i think you should take down all slander of me from your site
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: i was defending the jewish people
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: i did what i had to!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: that woman was asking for it
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: these right-wing AIPAC types should stuff it
YourMoralLeader: exactly
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: you should join me and my sex therapist wife for shabbat dinner sometime
YourMoralLeader: yes!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: we can give you some good advice
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: about women
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: clearly you need it
YourMoralLeader: I’ve been having some erectile dysfunction
YourMoralLeader: Do you have any suggestions?
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: reading the racy passages of the talmud always works for me
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: that or a picture of Rabin
YourMoralLeader: I must try that!
User guest226 changed their name to tim.
tim: hi
YourMoralLeader: hi tiny
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: you might want to try shaving — growing all that hair could be drawing all the blood away from your zayin
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: what are you laughing about? share it with the class
YourMoralLeader: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEBE2YWmBSQ
YourMoralLeader: my vid
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: Aydar?
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: you sound like a n00b
YourMoralLeader: is that good?
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: you can’t be a trusted authority if you sound like you’re reading it all for the first time
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: AD-DAR
YourMoralLeader: ahh
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: say it
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: AW-DAR
tim: !
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: more like that
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: AWW-DAR
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: how do you pronounce awe
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: something in between
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: you wacky foreigners
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: who taught you hebrew anyway
tim: AWE like shock and AWE
tim: or AW SHUCKS
tim: telephone
tim: CLEAN UP
tim: QUICK!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: girl coming over?
tim: fabreeze
tim: spray spray spray
tim: move the cat box to the garage!
tim: NO
tim: SPRAYYYY
tim: COLOGNE
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: take an irish shower
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: that’s what i do
tim: ALL MEN’S APARTMENTS STINK!
tim: SPRAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!11
tim: NOW!
tim: OPEN THE WINDOWS!
tim: LET A DRAFT THROUGH!
tim: NO
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: clean up that crap on the left side of the bookcase
tim: right!
tim: looks like a sack of trash!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: looks like a bear had a field day in there
tim: hahaha
tim: SOFT MUSIC
tim: LIGHTS LOW
tim: CLEAN THE BATHROOM
tim: WIPE THE SEAT
tim: KRIKIE! WHAT A MESS!
tim: Hi sole
tim: he’s getting ready for company.
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: there you go
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: that’s a start
tim: TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN!
solepcist: What a crock of s**t! You are not Rabbi Feller.
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller: don’t
tim: DO
solepcist: What a crock of s**t!
tim: that’s not nice, solepcist
