Join Me Live On My Cam For The Ceremony Of Bedikat Hametz

I will go from room to room in my hovel holding only a candle and a feather and a spoon and I will scoop up the remaining crumbs of bread and chant some gnarly incantations.

Following that, I will stage a virtual seder for shut-ins.

This is a spiritual experience not to be missed.

POSTSCRIPT: It was a wild time in the chat room. I had a total of one viewer.

It went like this:

Jimmy:  hi Head of Household
Jimmy:  I’d love to see what you do for Halloween
User guest213 entered the room.
Jimmy:  Hi 213  Luke is doing rituals
Jimmy:  Good work, Luke!

For those of you who missed seeing my ceremony live, a replay is up on YouTube.

It’s the first time I’ve done bedikat hametz. I’ve always given it the big skip.

Why? I couldn’t be bothered. But now I’ve got a cam, it makes these rituals exciting. I can be an exhibitionist and a narcissist and it’s all in the service of G-d.

If only I could’ve done it in my speedo.

I’ll be going away for three days, guys. I’m going to destroy the temple of Lukeford.net and rebuild it.

I won’t be making any updates from Friday sundown until Monday sundown. Instead I will be engaged in prayer, Torah study and self-nullification.

Daughters of Jerusalem, weep not for me but for yourselves, and for your children…

Verily I say unto thee, to day shalt thou be with me in paradise.

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit…

Emma:  Ohhhh
Emma:  Yum
Emma:  Whats that?
Emma:  Crisps
Moses:  the moral leader is eating lettuce with his hands
Emma:  lettuce
Emma:  Oh
Moses:  that lettuce better be kosher
Emma:  I’m blind
Emma:  Luke you eat very healthy
Emma:  Thats awesome
Moses:  you wouldnt believe how fast noah eats…it’s like there’s another flood coming
Moses:  luke, would you like to eat dinner with solomon and i sometime?
Moses:  we go out to the bar, drink wine and throw darts at a picture of herrod
Emma:  Ok I’m going to bed… I guess you won’t be on untill Monday then?
RunForrest:  Awww i know that movie
RunForrest:  it’s National Treasure
RunForrest:  awesome to hear it
Moses:  luke, after shabbat we go out bowling…usually it’s kings vs. prophets…we always kick their butts
Moses:  luke…i must leave you for a while…charlton heston finally showed up in heaven…we’re going to watch our movie and compare notes.
WELSH:  good to see you’ve had a tidy!!
Jimmy:  Rev Des claimed you didn’t officially convert  He’s full of it right?
Jimmy:  I will watch it many times Luke!
guest214:  HEY MORAL LEADER
Jimmy:  I believe Luke
PLAYA:  SO WAT’S THIS ABOUT
GROVER:  will we see it here?
Jimmy:  Luke just finish a ritual.  Now uploading it to Youtube
Jimmy:  Luke you said before youre doing $10/day  Surely youre doing better now?
User PLAYA changed their name to WESTSIDEDAGRANDE.
GROVER:  ur starting to look  like  a quaker luke
WESTSIDEDAGRANDE:  WAT DOES THIS CAM SUPPOSED 2 BE ABOUT
Jimmy:  yeah becuz the moustache and beard aren’t connected thickly
YourMoralLeader:  nope jimmy, doing worse
Jimmy:  Luke I am trying to think of a new schtick for you everyday
GROVER:  what is your religion luke ? not that it matters to me
WESTSIDEDAGRANDE:  ARE YOU GUYS GAY
GROVER:  i think hes a religion teacher
WESTSIDEDAGRANDE:  MORAL LEADER
GROVER:  christ ur a rabbi
GROVER:  an australian rabbi wow
GORDO:  MAN THIS IS GAY AND UR GAY MORAL LEADER
GROVER:  i just find it bizarre

User DBL185 changed their name to RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller.
YourMoralLeader:  hi rabbi
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  call me chuck
YourMoralLeader:  Hi chuck
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  i think you should take down all slander of me from your site
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  i was defending the jewish people
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  i did what i had to!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  that woman was asking for it
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  these right-wing AIPAC types should stuff it
YourMoralLeader:  exactly
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  you should join me and my sex therapist wife for shabbat dinner sometime
YourMoralLeader:  yes!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  we can give you some good advice
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  about women
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  clearly you need it
YourMoralLeader:  I’ve been having some erectile dysfunction
YourMoralLeader:  Do you have any suggestions?
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  reading the racy passages of the talmud always works for me
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  that or a picture of Rabin
YourMoralLeader:  I must try that!
User guest226 changed their name to tim.
tim:  hi
YourMoralLeader:  hi tiny
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  you might want to try shaving — growing all that hair could be drawing all the blood away from your zayin
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  what are you laughing about? share it with the class
YourMoralLeader:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEBE2YWmBSQ
YourMoralLeader:  my vid
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  Aydar?
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  you sound like a n00b
YourMoralLeader:  is that good?
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  you can’t be a trusted authority if you sound like you’re reading it all for the first time
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  AD-DAR
YourMoralLeader:  ahh
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  say it
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  AW-DAR
tim:  !
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  more like that
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  AWW-DAR
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  how do you pronounce awe
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  something in between
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  you wacky foreigners
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  who taught you hebrew anyway
tim:  AWE like shock and AWE
tim:  or AW SHUCKS
tim:  telephone
tim:  CLEAN UP
tim:  QUICK!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  girl coming over?
tim:  fabreeze
tim:  spray spray spray
tim:  move the cat box to the garage!
tim:  NO
tim:  SPRAYYYY
tim:  COLOGNE
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  take an irish shower
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  that’s what i do
tim:  ALL MEN’S APARTMENTS STINK!
tim:  SPRAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!11
tim:  NOW!
tim:  OPEN THE WINDOWS!
tim:  LET A DRAFT THROUGH!
tim:  NO
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  clean up that crap on the left side of the bookcase
tim:  right!
tim:  looks like a sack of trash!
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  looks like a bear had a field day in there
tim:  hahaha
tim:  SOFT MUSIC
tim:  LIGHTS LOW
tim:  CLEAN THE BATHROOM
tim:  WIPE THE SEAT
tim:  KRIKIE! WHAT A MESS!
tim:  Hi sole
tim:  he’s getting ready for company.
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  there you go
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  that’s a start
tim:  TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN!
solepcist:  What a crock of s**t! You are not Rabbi Feller.
RabbiChaimSeidlerFeller:  don’t
tim:  DO
solepcist:  What a crock of s**t!
tim:  that’s not nice, solepcist

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been noted in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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