I’m Cleaning For Passover Live On My Cam!

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DesmondFord:  Howdy! Today, I watch in cold silence. This is my only statement.
yourheartsdesire:  what is he doing doesnt he realisehe as people watching
yourheartsdesire:  if he goes to that bloody fridge or bathroom again
DesmondFord:  Lukie, do you think these legalism you are drunk with will save you?
welshdragon:  does luke work in a chip shop?
yourheartsdesire:  not sure why
User guest157 left the room.
welshdragon:  he’s got the white jacket thing going on under his top
welshdragon:  curry and chips please,and a can of coke…
yourheartsdesire:  all he done since i came on is eith go to the bathroom or the bloody fridge
yourheartsdesire:  he shouldn’t have it on if he not going to chat
DanielWebster:  I am here to do battle.
mema:  Hello Emma
YourMoralLeader:  I wish you were with me right now Emma
mema:  would that you were American and jewish
YourMoralLeader:  so you could clean my place while I blog and study the sacred texts
mema:  If Emma were there, and jewish, she could call a maid for you Luke
DanielWebster:  If Emma were there, she would take advantage of Luke.
mema:  yes- she would take all his money
DanielWebster:  She would bring his association with the Jewish temples of Los Angeles to an end, and send him into exile.
mema:  if Luke blogs without cable access, would anyone listen?
DanielWebster:  There, he would profit immensely from his specialized knowledge, writing books damning Praeger’s people, and vaulting into the popular consciousness
DanielWebster:  Satan would thereby win.
DanielWebster:  The Jewish Race cannot afford a defector like Luke.  Simply put, he knows too much.
mema:  he is blowing someone behind that small wall
DanielWebster:  Yet here, in this chat room, is the honey trap that could make it all happen
mema:  she is the anti-prophet
DanielWebster:  Temptation that no man of his years is capable of resisting.
DanielWebster:  Temptation that makes the women of Jdate lose their allure.
DanielWebster:  Temptation that leads to another Holocaust.  Not today or tomorrow, but remember – it all begins with a glance.

HollyRandall: have you ever considered the fact that this Emma girl might be a 40 year old man?
Luzdedos1: I’ve cammed with her and checked her out most closely
Luzdedos1: she’s all woman, you cynic. You just dont want me to be happy.
HollyRandall: Luke you can’t be so stupid that you really think a relationship with an 18 year old, who is silly enough to fly to America to meet a man more than twice her age that she met on the internet, is a good idea.
HollyRandall: I mean I know you’re insane but I don’t think you’re stupid.
Luzdedos1: It’s a great idea. I adore her. We’re going all the way. HollyRandall78 is away at 1:46 P.M. Luzdedos1: We have a lot in common.
HollyRandall: delusional personalities? is that what you have in common?
Luzdedos1: I’m sorry that I hurt you so deeply. There will come a day when you can love again… Meanwhile, my heart is open to this girl. Our wedding night will be special in a way secular people will never understand.
HollyRandall: i forgot, it’s impossible to talk sense into you

Luzdedos1: You have no more sense than I do, miss.
HollyRandall: that USED to be the case
HollyRandall: but i’ve changed a lot in the past year
HollyRandall: not that i’m perfect or always make the right decisions
HollyRandall: at least this whole thing will make your blog more interesting
HollyRandall: and that’s what matters, right?
Luzdedos1: Anyway, Holly, this catty jealousy is very unbecoming!
HollyRandall: oh quit it Luke
HollyRandall: you know that has nothing to do with it
HollyRandal: i’d love to see you settled down with a mature woman your age, not some random barely-legal girl you met on the internet
HollyRandall: i mean, c’mon
Luzdedos1: what’s wrong with 18? that innocence? that lack of cynicism? that native irish goodness?
Luzdedos1: why do old women so resent it when I connect with younger women?
HollyRandall: lack of maturity and self-awareness
HollyRandall: you really think she knows what she wants in life right now?
Luzdedos1: this is my chance!
Luzdedos1: before she does!
HollyRandall: Christ don’t be creepy
Luzdedos1: why should I change?
HollyRandall: because obviously the way you’ve been acting has not worked out for you
Luzdedos1: yes mom
guest172:  I guess it’s an inside joke cause I just don’t get it
guest172:  I your cam always populated by nut jobs?
YourMoralLeader:  yes
YourMoralLeader:  i’m the biggest nut job
guest172:   This music definately re-afirms your hetrosexuality
DesmondFord:  You are wrong to think that. Luke is just ashamed that his old man is here trying to lead my son back to the light…and away from the darkness of Old testament theology.
guest172:  wow
guest172:  when was the last time you had a real job
DesmondFord:  Luke. Repent. Repent, my son.
DesmondFord:  You can get your foreskin replaced.
YourMoralLeader:  11 yrs
guest172:  exellent, I wish I could get by doing this, how do you manage?
guest172:  Do you still watch porn ect or have you totaly dropped anything to do with it ?
DesmondFord:  Ask Emma.
guest172:   Are your neighbours building a shed or something?
YourMoralLeader:  yes
YourMoralLeader:  building shed
YourMoralLeader:  no, dont watch porn except for rare occasions
guest172:  crazy, was the industry addles with drugs when you were blogging about it?
OldTesticleTheologian:  I got rid of my Chametz today. Luke took it, made a sacrifice on his backyard altar, so I am now totally free of it.
guest172:  Luke, does this not bore you?
guest172:  how can you do this for so long each day?
frodo:  I dont even think he speaks ?
guest172:  he occasionaly does, I’ve seen it.
guest172:  surely you could put this time to better use
ToughJewishChick:  How’s it hanging?
ToughJewishChick:  I think I see a bit of chometz in your beard.
ToughJewishChick:  You need a comb to get it out.
OldTesticleTheologian:  I have some chometz I’d like to put in you tough Jewish chick.
ToughJewishChick:  You need to be pinned down and made to do what HaShem wants a Jewish man to do.
ToughJewishChick:  But first, you need another Bar Mitzvah.
ToughJewishChick:  Because I don’t yet see a man over there.
OldTesticleTheologian:  I have been saving all of the foreskins I have collected over the years as a mohel.
ToughJewishChick:  Also, that haircut reminds me of woodcuts of medieval monks.  Same do’.
OldTesticleTheologian:  I made a small change purse out of them……..
ToughJewishChick:  Now you look like a Greek Orthodox monk.
OldTesticleTheologian:  When I rub it, it turns into a suitcase.
ToughJewishChick:  Whatever became of those boyish good looks?  Are you trying to hide your face?
OldTesticleTheologian:  Luke carries that suitcase as he carries out his holy mission in life.
ToughJewishChick:  None of my friends go in for beards.
frodo:  nah i dont like beards either
ToughJewishChick:  I mean, Oprah needs a beard, but you?
guest172:  how did you make your break with Lukeford.com, and how did you ever get to interview so many starlets of that era?
ToughJewishChick:  What manner of seder are you having this year?
ToughJewishChick:  Luke, why don’t you ever do interviews of Jewish rockers?
ToughJewishChick:  Expand your domain beyond your pastors
EmmaHolic:  Would you still date Luke even if he hasn’t seen the light of Christ?
ToughJewishChick:  Typing.  Where’s the Jewish man who spends his day with power tools, wrenches, and hammers?  Why do they always spend their days in deep thought, typing?
ToughJewishChick:  I want a man of action, not a manipulator of words.
ToughJewishChick:  Which temple sports the men of action, Luke?  Because that’s where you will find me and my sisters.
EmmaHolic:  jewish chick I’ll act on you with my power tools……
ToughJewishChick:  Luke has a very rich interior life.  He thinks a lot about Luke, and has a man-bag that he dangles over his shoulder.
ToughJewishChick:  Like most Jewish guys in LA.
ToughJewishChick:  No wonder so many of us are going Mexican.
ToughJewishChick:  A man with a leaf blower is going to be better able to protect us when we are pregnant than a man with a blog.
guest186:  I want info on this guy who divroced his wife and 9 kids and married a model from arizona and then moved to baltimore

ChaimAmalek:  Cyber sex is part of the problem, not the solution.
ChaimAmalek:  WHAT IS THIS?
Emma:  What is what
ChaimAmalek:  This image
jvc:  dont dump me emma for chaim
ChaimAmalek:  Luke in repose?
Emma:  He is watching a movie
JVR:  i just felt horny emma thats all
ChaimAmalek:  Which movie?
JVR:  emma a sexy name hehe
Emma:  National Treasure
jvc:  u are emma a national treasure
1LongDong4U2Ride2HomePlate:  Did Luke take his Meds today ?
ChaimAmalek:  My days are all the same.  A man without a woman, but a computer for his love.
ChaimAmalek:  You know, should you ever visit Luke, you could stop off here in New York first, and . . . .
Emma:  And not happening 🙂
ChaimAmalek:  Think of me as Luke’s gatekeeper
ChaimAmalek:  Emma, you could come with your sister.
JVR:  im goin to bed
ChaimAmalek:  I’ll bet SHE would be all over me.
Emma:  Maybe
Moses:  the hovel doesnt look any cleaner to me…wtf???
Emma:  Her heart belongs to someone Chaim…
ChaimAmalek:  I’m everything Luke is, and , um, more.  Lots more
Emma:  I know thats dissapointing
ChaimAmalek:  I’m going to go Red.
Emma:  Why?
ChaimAmalek:  Mao got laid by young women until the day he died.
Moses:  is he watching a nick cage movie?  what a doosh…
Emma:  No use feeling sorry for yourself Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  I must foment and lead a Red revolt against the hedge fund managers of Wall Street
Moses:  holy crao!!!  it’s national treasure…the worst film of all time
ChaimAmalek:  It’s pretty entertaining, even if rather dumb.
Moses:  floored could star in the sequel i’m writing ‘magna carta’
jvc:  lol jv
JVR:  not u
Emma:  I’ll pass thanks
JVR:  oh ok
jvc:  wot about me then emma
JVR:   jv i bin nocked back omg
Emma:  lol
jvc:  well it does happen jv
Moses:  the ira steals the original magna carta because it contains codes to the close of the FTSE for the next 1000 years
Moses:  luke, have you exercised with the snapple jugs yet today?
ChaimAmalek:  Emma – I met you on the level, and I will depart from you on the square.

pass thanks
ChaimAmalek:  She is going to ask you for money to fly to LA, but stop off  here in NY so that I can deflower her.  Then she will travel on to LA to break up with you before returning here to me
Emma:  What an imagination you have Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  And her sister will be joining us
Emma:  I thought Laura would be in there somewhere
ChaimAmalek:  I will put them to work as secretaries for hedge fund managers, managing their money.
ChaimAmalek:  A jew must make a living.
ChaimAmalek:  Emma, what is your relationship with the colored people of Ireland?
ChaimAmalek:  The Black Irish.
Emma:  I don’t judge people based on their colour Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  Because, I want to prepare you for our wonderful diversity
Emma:  tut tut
ChaimAmalek:  If Luke were black, would you date him?
ChaimAmalek:  I know I would not.
Emma:  Because?
Emma:  Because that would be gay
ChaimAmalek:  I’m just kidding!  I am an old time liberal who frets about the relationship between Jews and African Americans
Emma:  So I would think not
ChaimAmalek:  I’m always building bridges, just ask Luke.
Emma:  Sure you are Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  Cynic.
Emma:  Indeed
Emma:  Chaim why are you single?
Emma:  Im dying to know
ChaimAmalek:  I am the best friend the Black Man has in this room
ChaimAmalek:  Fat, small weewee, no money, etc.
ChaimAmalek:  short, too
Emma:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  Women don’t like that
Emma:  Poor guy
ChaimAmalek:  Women have called me "needle dick"
ChaimAmalek:  What does that mean?
ChaimAmalek:  also, "Pokeyman"
ChaimAmalek:  Women are strange.
Moses:  i must depart now, my people…i’m having dinner with noah…you just don’t turn noah down on that kind of thing
Emma:  I think you know what that means
User Moses left the room.
ChaimAmalek:  The only women I can get to date me, or at least that I used to were off the internet
ChaimAmalek:  and you know how that goes.  Craigslist!!!!!
Emma:  I’m sure you will find someone Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  I am post sexual.
ChaimAmalek:  I may joke about this, but I have no genuine sexual thoughts
Emma:  Well I will cancel my trip to nyc
ChaimAmalek:  For me, consideration of sex = dreaming of eating giant squid meat.  Never happens
ChaimAmalek:  Some may regard this as a vulgar comment, but my genitals are like the World Trade Center.  A once potent edifice that is now merely a memory.
ChaimAmalek:  Of course, I was more Building 4 or 5 rather than Towers 1 or 2, but you get the idea.
ChaimAmalek:  So let’s have no more sexual banter between us.
Emma:  I get the idea
Emma:  Lets not
1GiantTesticle:  Luke, are you more than me?
YourMoralLeader:  h0
ChaimAmalek:  Instead, let us discuss you.
YourMoralLeader:  no
Emma:  Discuss me
1GiantTesticle:  I thought you were two giant testicles……
ChaimAmalek:  Yes, what are your dreams?  Why horses?  Does Luke have an interest in horses to replace the interest he once had in dogs?
YourMoralLeader:  lol
1GiantTesticle:  yes
Emma:  I have many dreams
1GiantTesticle:  Luke likes versions right off the assembly line………
Emma:  Horses are great animals
ChaimAmalek:  I think horses should be freed, all of them, save those ridden by police and comely young women.
Emma:  And as for Luke Being interested in them… hmmm
Emma:  You would need to ask him that
1GiantTesticle:  rather than old and worn ones………
ChaimAmalek:  Yes!  Just do a google on Catherine the Great and Horses for more.
Emma:  Horse enjoy being ridden by me
1GiantTesticle:  Luke oftern boasts he understands horses a lot
YourMoralLeader:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  How tall are you, Emma?
1GiantTesticle:  You know why Emma?
Emma:  5,4
ChaimAmalek:  A good height for horses.
Emma:  Indeed
ChaimAmalek:  I’m around your height.
1GiantTesticle:  Emma, you know why?
Emma:  Very small Chaim
1GiantTesticle:  He claims to be hung like one.
Emma:  Some people may think little of you…
ChaimAmalek:  I cannot help it that I am the prototyple of the short, swarthy Jew.
Emma:  Good things come in short supply
ChaimAmalek:  That’s why I cling to Luke, to be near a Jew I can look up to.
1GiantTesticle:  Emma. that news should make you happy.
Emma:  I hear violins
ChaimAmalek:  When we are together, I hide, but am nearby.  I spend the time scratching my wrists and such
Emma:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  Also, I have lots more hair on my back than on my head.
Emma:  Oh dear
Emma:  You should try waxing
1GiantTesticle:  Luke. You still making the claim about being hung like a horse. Or has the animal changed?
YourMoralLeader:  I still make that claim.
ChaimAmalek:  And if I see a penny on the ground, even if it is embedded in dung, I must pry it out and stuff it into my pocket.
Emma:  lol
1GiantTesticle:  Emma. He’s your man.
ChaimAmalek:  My pockets smell a bit.
1GiantTesticle:  You like horses and he’s hung like one.
Emma:  I can imagine
ChaimAmalek:  But I cannot afford a laundry service.
ChaimAmalek:  I typically wear clothes until they begin to itch.
ChaimAmalek:  Mites.
ChaimAmalek:  Lots of mites.
Emma:  Not good Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  And he laughs and laughs, at what? At whom? Why?
1GiantTesticle:  I wear my underwear until I have to peel them of.
Emma:  Because your funny Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  He laughs at my misfortune.
ChaimAmalek:  "The Jews are our misfortune" has a different meaning with me
1GiantTesticle:  Chaim, have you ever met our Moral leader?
Emma:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  Yes
Emma:  He laughs with you Chaim
1GiantTesticle:  What is he like in person?
ChaimAmalek:  Several times, I have made pilgrimage
ChaimAmalek:  Indifferent
ChaimAmalek:  He jealously guards all of his social contacts
1GiantTesticle:  Emma, so, is Luke the ideal man for you?
ChaimAmalek:  I asked him to pimp for me once, but he refused
Emma:  Of course
ChaimAmalek:  Instead, he wanted me to go to a lecture on the talmud
1GiantTesticle:  because he’s hung like your favorite animal
ChaimAmalek:  I went, but was not allowed in.
ChaimAmalek:  He once took me to dinner with his fancy pants Jewish friends who ignored me.
Emma:  Do you face rejection often Chaim?
ChaimAmalek:  They asked  "where did you go to school" and as I could not give an impressive answer, I was ignored
ChaimAmalek:  Yes
Emma:  I feel for you
ChaimAmalek:  Only here on the internet can I say, "I am somebody"
Emma:  You ca be anyone you want to be
ChaimAmalek:  Not so
ChaimAmalek:  Luke’s new haircut makes him look like a monk
Emma:  lol
Emma:  He cut it himself
ChaimAmalek:  Yes, he does all that stuff himself, including his circumcision
Emma:  lol
ChaimAmalek:  Emma, what is the minimum / maximum circumference of a man’s p**nis that you regard as within your desired range?
ChaimAmalek:  How low will you go/ how hight?
YourMoralLeader:  I need to know
1GiantTesticle:  Emma. you know what a circumcisiion is?
Emma:  Yes I’m aware
ChaimAmalek:  What is your minimum?
1GiantTesticle:  how did you ever hear of it in Ireland?
ChaimAmalek:  Luke is pretty huge, so don’t fear offending him
Emma:  We do not live in caves
Emma:  Im not going to ask how you saw Lukes manlyhood Chaim
ChaimAmalek:  I saw the bulge
Emma:  You looked
ChaimAmalek:  It was at temple, and Luke spied an especially valorous woman
ChaimAmalek:  How could I NOT look?
ChaimAmalek:  That’s why I ask this question.
1GiantTesticle:  His buldge is the talk of many blogs.
Emma:  I think your in denial
ChaimAmalek:  How long is too long?  What is too short?
Emma:  Of your feelings for Luke

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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