I’m Live On My Cam And Spreading Lashon Hara

You don’t want to miss this juicy conversation:

SmiterOfShvartza:  Ahhh, just the two of us.
SmiterOfShvartza:  I wish you were trustworthy
SmiterOfShvartza:  if you were, I’d compliment you on the attractiveness of Emma
SmiterOfShvartza:  but I am sure you got that photo from a phonesex ad
SmiterOfShvartza:  the interview about chico wang had to be the most awkwardly worded thing ever. The one written by the gilford reposrter
SmiterOfShvartza:  I guess she didn;t have Gram Ponantes number
SmiterOfShvartza:  all right I gotta go. I just dropped in to try to get Emmas number
guest59:  RIP Chico Wang – unless he really did murder his wife
guest8:  beard all itchy?
guest59:  Is it possible for your beard to grow out until it is longer than your petzel?
guest8:  do you have a beard, 59?
guest59:  I shaved it off when I gave up women
guest6:  what is "wrap tefillin"????
guest59:  Well, it is a seldom discussed Jewish practice that involves men and leather goods.
guest6:  i am serious and he isn’t answering any of my questions
guest59:  Not as shameful as having a beauty pageant for camels, as the arabs have
guest59:  I will answer all of your questions
guest8:  i like that beauty pagent idea.
guest6:  and who are you 58? lol
guest59:  http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080407/od_afp/uaegulffestivalcameloffbeat_080407201354
YourMoralLeader:  welcome
guest8:  i dont know how welcome.
guest59:  What is less moral, spending millions on a camel in a camel beauty pageant, or oggling women in porn?
guest59:  We got rid of Eliot Spitzer for rending a woman for a few thousand, but over there, a camel can go for $2.7 million if she’s pretty enough
guest59:  Not sure if this was a one hump or two gal
guest59:  I hope he got both humps
guest59:  renting a woman, not rending
guest6:  so is this all you do all day?
guest59:  YES
YourMoralLeader:  yes, is that wrong?
guest6:  no i was just asking
guest59:  Blogging is hard work which, as the NY Times has reported, can kill just as mining coal can kill
guest59:  But at least blogging adds no greenhouse gases
YourMoralLeader:  I only make it look easy
guest59:  Bloggers are among the least appreciated people in society.
guest59:  Even prostitutes get their day in the sun
guest59:  We live in an age where a pretty camel fetches 2.7 million, but a blogger goes without health insurance
guest59:  The madness of the era
YourMoralLeader:  crazy
guest59:  Luke needs sponsorship. 
guest6:  how old are you moral?
YourMoralLeader:  42
guest59:  Da Vinci had it.
YourMoralLeader:  how about some gaming companies?
QuixoticLass:  I’m WAY too gullible.
QuixoticLass:  and now that you know that, you have a moral responsibility to not fool me.
QuixoticLass:  YML  honestly, sometimes I don’t know whether I’d rather smack you upside the head or give you a hug.
QuixoticLass:  when the rabbi was talking about gossip was he looking directly at you the whole time, or was he able to speak to the whole room?
YourMoralLeader:  whole room
YourMoralLeader:  the irish are really well educated right?
YourMoralLeader:  they saved civilization and all
RussianDragon:  only the women i fear
RussianDragon:  the men are to drunk to remember anything
QuixoticLass:  that peanut butter would go well with my low fat chocolatey cat cookies for people
RevDesmondFord:  sinkers or floaters today, boy?
YourMoralLeader:  Hi dad
YourMoralLeader:  sinkers I am afraid.
YourMoralLeader:  Is that a sin?
RevDesmondFord:  You are fair-dinkum sinker, son…and no one should suffer a whelp like you. I knew from the start when you were suckling on sugar-teats and peppermint sticks that you were no good. What do you do with a sinker? Here in Oz, we pull the handle and flush.
QuixoticLass:  YML are you going to sell your chametz?
YourMoralLeader:  I won’t have any chametz. Tossing it all or giving it to Rev. Des.
QuixoticLass:  you should sell it just in case…to cover the crumbs and stuff you miss.
QuixoticLass:  stuff in your books…
QuixoticLass:  pockets…
YourMoralLeader:  all this legalism, complicated religion.
QuixoticLass:  you don’t like the ritual and all the little rules? 
YourMoralLeader:  i get sick of it
QuixoticLass:  you wear tzit tzit
YourMoralLeader:  I don’t believe in selling off your chametz to a non-jew unless you’re a major store-owner or something
YourMoralLeader:  I get rid of my spiritual chametz by studying Torah

 put that bag on your head luke
RussianDragon:  love bites
cuntpunt:  daaammnnn
RussianDragon:  it nibbles too
QuixoticLass:  and sometimes it spanks
cuntpunt:  ok russian, I’ll send the plane ticket, you bring the chocolate…
RussianDragon:  lol
cuntpunt:  your pic is distracting, wrap the tefillin again Luke
RussianDragon:  let’s all pray
RussianDragon:  for salvation
QuixoticLass:  will a shidduch be made in this chat room?
cuntpunt:  I pray for a white russian to drink up and pass out on
cuntpunt:  or under..either one
QuixoticLass:  YML don’t move like that, it’s too suggestive
RussianDragon:  you don’t wanna wear your teffilin after that
cuntpunt:  hes gonna get down
cuntpunt:  oh yeah, sweat
Emma:  Or fall down
cuntpunt:  work it Luke, work it goood
RussianDragon:  america’s funniest jew videos
cuntpunt:  someone get that man a glass
RussianDragon:  jumping jacks plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Emma:  Laura wants you to do an excersise
YourMoralLeader:  The first time Emma came in here, I was working out
YourMoralLeader:  It’s how I captured her heart!
Emma:  Laura: remeber when you just did your squats up against the wall, see how long you can hold your postion whilst squatting.
RussianDragon:  he has done a lot of squatting lately
RussianDragon:  wonder why
Emma:  Laura: best exersise ever.
Lilithena:  This is the second time I’ve seen this
RussianDragon:  welcome
Lilithena:  I would not accept a lift from this man.
Lilithena:  Better to walk along the road in the rain
QuixoticLass:  and you haven’t even seen his car!
RussianDragon:  it’s called the bangbus
QuixoticLass:  it’s billy blanks everyone!
Lilithena:  These images disturb me.
Lilithena:  I am going to have dreams about them
Lilithena:  I’ve seen animals do this in jungle parks
QuixoticLass:  I’m only a stripper for a audience of one.
YourMoralLeader:  and he has to be a rabbi
QuixoticLass:  I don’t strip for rabbis anymore
Lilithena:  Were they poor tippers?
QuixoticLass:  hahaha
ElazarMuskin:  Luke I came by Saturday at 7:45 but you didn’t come out
YourMoralLeader:  I’m sorry, I was napping.
ElazarMuskin:  I assumed you’d had misgivings
ElazarMuskin:  And so today…we’re making a mockery of the tefillin?
Lilithena:  A gay man who is forced to grow his own beard because he does not know any women who will occupy that role for him
YourMoralLeader:  No mockery rabbi.
YourMoralLeader:  Just explaining the holiness of them.
Lilithena:  Rabbi, do you folks keep tabs on Luke?
cuntpunt:  For the past twenty-one years, Rabbi Elazar Muskin has served as the Rabbi of the Young Israel of Century City in Los Angeles, California.
Lilithena:  Maybe that’s why the cam exists, to enable you to check in on Luke 24/7
ElazarMuskin:  We hear things
Lilithena:  gossip is not good
cuntpunt:  gossip is sinful
QuixoticLass:  gossip gets your gullible friends in trouble
cuntpunt:  gossip is the root of evil
YourMoralLeader:  Everything I do, everyone I do, it’s a sin.
QuixoticLass:   oh ho
RussianDragon:  ok i’m back
ElazarMuskin:  Gossip only becomes a sin when one believes it
YourMoralLeader:  Got any scoop, rabbi?
QuixoticLass:  great put the burden on the gullible friend
cuntpunt:  we wrapped tefillin today rabbi
ElazarMuskin:  No scoop today
YourMoralLeader:  Rabbi, which shul in the neighborhood is the most anal in its megillah reading? YICC?
RussianDragon:  hi rabbi
ElazarMuskin:  So I read, c****punt
ElazarMuskin:  Anal? What is this term?
YourMoralLeader:  Do you think you can get Avrohom Union in here?
cuntpunt:  of the bottom end?
Lilithena:  Rabbi, why won’t Jewish men commit to Jewish women in a timely manner?
ElazarMuskin:  how does this term apply to reading of the megillah?
RussianDragon:  it’s  a sin
YourMoralLeader:  Rabbi, why do so many wives in your shul not cover their hair during the week and wear pants?
QuixoticLass:  Jewish men don’t like Jewish women because we are overeducated and demanding.
QuixoticLass:  also many Jewish women mistakenly think that it’s ok to wait until after they are 30 to start looking for a husband
ElazarMuskin:  Luke- why do you shake hands upon meeting women?
ElazarMuskin:  you know this is sinful
QuixoticLass:  do you shake women’s hands?
RussianDragon:  he doesnt know the difference
QuixoticLass:  you never shook mine.
RussianDragon:  some look like men
YourMoralLeader:  I try not to, rabbi.
QuixoticLass:  we pass the keys back and forth as though you are shomer negiah
YourMoralLeader:  Rabbi, what do you think of the RCC?
YourMoralLeader:  And who do you think will succeed Rabbi Weil at BJ?
ElazarMuskin:  I think more of your new plan to take matters into your own hands
Lilithena:  Too much unholy gossip!
ElazarMuskin:  as if our people havent suffered enough
YourMoralLeader:  Thank you rabbi.
YourMoralLeader:  Would you serve on my kangaroo court?
ElazarMuskin:  yes, but on a higher seat than the kangaroos
Lilithena:  Let’s talk about my new "Sweet Sixteen" type show about bar and bat mitzvah parties
YourMoralSchvartze:  Q: what do Jewish women make for lunch? Anyone…?
RussianDragon:  suite sixteen
YourMoralLeader:  any celebs come into your shul lately, rabbi?
RussianDragon:  i’ve been there
YourMoralSchvartze:  A: Reservations.
YourMoralLeader:  Rabbi Muskin, I’d like you to marry Emma and I.
ElazarMuskin:  Dennis Hopper attended recently
Lilithena:  What’s the best shul for getting ahead?
YourMoralLeader:  Can we do this in chat?
ElazarMuskin:  hmmm, let me consult torah
ElazarMuskin:  um- nope
RussianDragon:  good rabbi
Lilithena:  I can do conversions online, Emma.  Want one?
YourMoralSchvartze:  What’s the difference between karate and judo…Karate is a form of self-defense and judo is what bagels are made of.
YourMoralLeader:  What was it like learning from The Rav, rabbi?
ElazarMuskin:  hahaha judo
Lilithena:  Kraft is starting to market a bagel that comes prefilled with "cream cheese"  It looks just like a twinkie
ElazarMuskin:  Watch out Luke you are stepping on the funny man’s toes
YourMoralLeader:  Rabbi, why did you banish the kiddush club?
ElazarMuskin:  Rave reviews for the Rav
YourMoralSchvartze:  What do you say when you tickle a Jewish woman? Gucci, Gucci, goo.
Lilithena:  For $50 I will convert you to or from any faith
Emma:  No thanks

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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