Click on the audio button at the top of each post to have my wisdom drop into your ears like honey.
This is so exciting for me that I want to write something truly inspiring, words that can be trumpeted across our fruited plain.
I want to be a uniter, not a divider.
"Oh Levi, you are my moral leader!" she screamed as she arched her back to receive my blog post.
"I read your blog every day. It’s transcendent. You are the gadol hador of Pico/Robertson. You are more powerful than the RCC. You are more kosher than Pats. You’re better with outreach than Aish HaTorah. You combine Torah with derech eretz better than YU! You are more modern than Chovevei Torah! You are more traditional than the Satmar! You’re more of a feminist than Saul Berman! You hate lashon hara more than Joseph Telushkin! You have more clarity than Dennis Prager! You are more inclusive than American Jewish University! You are cooler than Rob Eshman and a better writer! You are sexier than Danielle Berrin! You are like a thousand rabbis to me. I’ve been a bad yeshiva girl! You caught me cheating on my Mishna test! Please don’t tell my parents! Please punish me. Let my sins be upon me and upon my children.
"You know what to do. You are the man. You own it. It’s yours, baby. Take it! Take it! You captured me in battle, shaved my head, let me mourn for my family for 30 days and now I’m your pilegesh! Enter my tent and I will comfort you over the death of your mommy!
"Go Dallas Cowboys! Come on, Levi, score a touchdown right now! Hit this baby out of the park! Hit a home run, Levi, my strong vibrant Moral Leader! I’ve never known any man like you. You are all man. It’s perfect. Oh, you make me feel so full! Oh Levi, my Moral Leader, you can do anything you want to me! It’s the Shabbos! It’s a mitzvah! It’s permitted because I am your wife! But I want you to treat me as our patriarch Jacob treated Tamar by the side of the road, as Amnon treated his sister… Oh no! Stop! Don’t! Don’t stop! My Moral Leader! Be brutal! Be cruel! Be quick for the Philistines are coming!"
Damn. I’m bookmarking this post. Whenever I feel down, I’m gonna click on the audio (though I must admit it is mildly disconcerting to listen to a MAN read these things to me).
I can’t believe I’ve turned out like the protagonist in Carnal Knowledge.
Khunrum emails: "Oy Gevalt! Who is that Fruit? The President of your Gay Fan Club?"
I’ll take my love where I can get it, even if it is from a robot.
