He Would Just Kill You

A friend calls. “You should change the slogan on your blog to ‘The Original Moishe Rosen — Accept No Substitutes.'”

Luke: “Great. That will get me thrown out of shul.”

Friend: “I demand that you do a post as the resurrected Moishe Rosen.”

Luke: “I’m trying to blend in with the Jews.”

Friend: “He was buried in his tallis.”

Luke: “What would he say?”

Friend: “My moral bank account doesn’t have overdraft protection. Does TARP apply to my moral bank account?

“Blog that you are living proof of the incarnation because he is risen. Moishe Rosen to Luke Ford. Resurrection.

“I want you, me and Eliot Stein to open a glatt kosher vegan deli. He can slice pastrami-flavored tofu behind the counter. You could be the host. I’ll do the books. Someone’s going to ask you if your beard is going to get in their soup. No way, man, I shampoo it three times a day.”

“Are there any Saudi or Egyptian architecture or engineering ex-pats in your class?”

Luke: “Yeah. They’re just learning to take off but not to land.”

Friend: “Maybe your class is just a sleeper cell.”

“I got friendly again with Mary*. I offered to take her to pizza. She said, why can’t we just bring it back to my place? I said, because you have cats and I’m allergic. Also, cats give me the creeps.

“She went off on how that cat saved her life when someone tried to break into her apartment and I told her to call LAPD and ask for Christie Love. She said, ‘I could’ve been raped and killed.’

“I said, trust me, they would’ve just killed you.”

“I noticed that she was in a relationship according to Facebook with my friend Matt in Dallas. I said to him, how could you be dating someone you’ve never met?

“I told my brother — who’s never met Matt, only online — and he texted me back: ‘Who cares? Matt’s just some guy who lives in my computer.’

“Matt got into a debate with Muslims on Facebook. He was making fun of Mohammed. This Muslim woman told him he was racist. He replied, I should just come over and rape you.

“So here where it gets great. Mary calls him at work and asks him, ‘Are you seeing other people? Are you sleeping around? You’re not attracted to me? You want to have sex with this Muslim woman?'”

He’s incredulous. “Sex with this woman? I threatened to rape her!”

Mary concluded, “We’re not good for each other.”

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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