The Coalition Will See You Now

SCENE: A Manhattan study, lined with sefarim. A RABBI sits at a desk, wearing a dark suit and kippah. A small bust of Lincoln sits prominently on the shelf. He is mid-sentence, speaking to camera.
RABBI: As Lincoln said in his Second Inaugural, and as the prophet Isaiah said before him, and as my great-uncle the Rav said after both of them, and as I am saying right now in a way that connects all three—
[A LOUD KNOCK]
RABBI: —the American experiment is a Hebraic—
[DONOR bursts in wearing a tuxedo]
DONOR: Rabbi! Quick question. Is the Republican Party good for the Jews?
RABBI: That’s a profound question that requires—
DONOR: Yes or no.
RABBI: —a textured engagement with—
DONOR: Rabbi.
RABBI: —the prophetic tradition—
DONOR: RABBI.
RABBI: Yes.
DONOR: Excellent. [Writes a check] For the Center.
[DONOR exits. A SECOND KNOCK. A BISHOP enters.]
BISHOP: Rabbi, we Catholics would love your thoughts on whether Jews and Christians share a common heritage.
RABBI: A magnificent question. In my forthcoming essay for First Things—
BISHOP: Do we?
RABBI: Share—
BISHOP: A common heritage.
RABBI: Yes.
BISHOP: Wonderful. [Exits]
[A THIRD KNOCK. A YESHIVA STUDENT enters holding a Gemara.]
STUDENT: Rabbi, the Documentary Hypothesis. Wellhausen. Friedman. The archaeological evidence for a late composition of the Pentateuch. How do we—
RABBI: I have a meeting.
STUDENT: You don’t have a meeting.
RABBI: The Straus Center has a meeting.
STUDENT: But—
RABBI: Have you considered what Lincoln said about—
STUDENT: LINCOLN DIDN’T WRITE THE TORAH.
[The student is gently escorted out by an unseen hand. A FOURTH KNOCK.]
REPORTER: Rabbi, about the convention prayer—
RABBI: A ceremonial blessing in the tradition of—
REPORTER: —do you endorse—
RABBI: —Washington’s letter to the Hebrew Congregation of Newport—
REPORTER: —the candidate?
RABBI: —which itself echoed Micah—
REPORTER: Sir—
RABBI: —every man under his vine and fig tree—
REPORTER: Sir—
RABBI: —and none shall make him afraid.
REPORTER: So that’s a yes?
RABBI: That’s a textured engagement.
[REPORTER exits, confused. A FIFTH KNOCK. It is a YOUNG RABBI, bright-eyed.]
YOUNG RABBI: Rebbe! I want to write seriously about the crisis in Modern Orthodoxy. The demographic collapse. The Haredi pressure. The intermarriage numbers outside the day school system. The—
RABBI: Have you considered Lincoln?
YOUNG RABBI: What?
RABBI: Lincoln had many crises.
YOUNG RABBI: I’m talking about our community—
RABBI: And yet he quoted the Psalms.
YOUNG RABBI: Rebbe, I want to write what’s true.
RABBI: [Long pause. Looks at the bust of Lincoln. Looks at camera.] My son. The truth is a coalition.
YOUNG RABBI: That’s not—
RABBI: And the coalition is the truth.
YOUNG RABBI: Rebbe, that’s circular—
RABBI: As Lincoln said—
YOUNG RABBI: LINCOLN WASN’T JEWISH.
RABBI: [Placing hand gently on Young Rabbi’s shoulder] That is precisely why we must claim him.
[A SIXTH KNOCK. The DEAN enters.]
DEAN: Rabbi, the donor from before has a friend. Also Republican. Also rich. Also wants to know—
RABBI: Yes.
DEAN: I haven’t asked the question yet.
RABBI: Yes to the question.
DEAN: Wonderful. [Exits]
[The YOUNG RABBI stares at the older man.]
YOUNG RABBI: Is this what it means to be a public intellectual?
RABBI: [Gazing wistfully out the window] My boy. Once, long ago, I wrote a dissertation. It had arguments. It had footnotes. It engaged Rosenzweig.
YOUNG RABBI: What happened?
RABBI: [A single tear] Princeton.
YOUNG RABBI: And then?
RABBI: [Whispering] Commentary.
YOUNG RABBI: And then?
RABBI: [Barely audible] The podcast.
YOUNG RABBI: Rebbe—
RABBI: [Snapping back, cheerful] But as Lincoln said, and as the prophet Amos said, and as my great-uncle said, and as I am saying now in a way that connects—
[Cut to GRAHAM CHAPMAN as a British Army officer]
CHAPMAN: Right, stop that. This is getting far too coalitional. Nobody’s following an argument all the way through. I want a sketch where someone actually breaks with his donor base.
[A figure in the background, who has been quietly reading Leibowitz, looks up hopefully]
LEIBOWITZ-READER: Finally—
CHAPMAN: Not you. You’re too depressing.
LEIBOWITZ-READER: [Resigned] Back to the margins.
[CHAPMAN turns to camera]
CHAPMAN: And now for something completely different. A rabbi who actually answers a question.
[Long silence. The camera pans across an empty study. A tumbleweed rolls through. After thirty seconds, a title card appears:]
“THIS SKETCH COULD NOT BE COMPLETED DUE TO COALITION CONSTRAINTS”
[END]