I’m Standing Straight And Tall Using Alexander Technique

While I was off doing the Lord’s work, somebody impersonating my mother and father came into my live cam chatroom (I read his patter to my therapist, she went into hysterics, she think he is brilliant and has me to a tee):

guest15: How’s the 19th century quackery treating my ponce of a son today?
guest16: Now, Des, you promised you wouldn’t dash the boy’s dreams…
guest15: I’m sorry, Gill, but it’s got to be done.
guest15: You don’t want to end up like the boy’s birth mother, do you? Time to cut out the cancer, indeed.
guest16: But can’t you just hear his plaintive, girlish voice saying, “But, Dad, I’m standing straight and tall using Alexander Technique.”
guest15: I can hear it now.
guest16: “I’m like your ttle soldier, dad.”
guest15: “Look at me, Dad! Hee-hee!” I’ve had enough of his rot!
guest16: But now that you brought it up, Des, I don’t want to end up with cancer.
guest16: Where is the lad, des? You don’t think he’s ignoring us, do you?
guest15: The boy’s gone mute, Gill!
guest15: I’ve had it with his blasted web-cam. I’m going to pay him a fair-dinkum visit.
guest16: Typical. He always did that as a little joey whenever he knew he wa in the wrong.
guest16: I believe I’ll join you on that visit, Des. You take the high road and I’ll take the low road … and we’ll gut the lad and leave his entrails for the fair-dinkum magpies.
guest15: He must be off engaging in buggery with his friend Wayne Cherry again.
guest16: “Moral Leader.” What a ridgy-didge crock.
guest16: Or one of his Internet “friends.”
guest16: That’s a sorry lot, Des.
guest15: Always said he had no fiber. I could tell from his stools.
guest16: Sinkers every time!
guest15: He’d stuff his gob with sweets every chance he got.
guest16: He was like a little wallaroo addicted to the sweet stuff.
guest16: It’s no wonder the other children hated him so.
guest15: Gill, we ought to go toad-bursting…so I’ve something to feed the whelp when I catch up with him.
guest16: I saw a fair-dinkum big one on the porch this morning.
guest15: Our son is a toad.
guest16: Perusing the boy’s site, it’s interesting to see his definition of satire. Looks to me like he just lifted material from the Onion

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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