He Needed Rape, She Needed Conversion

Conversions to Judaism do not typically require rape of the would-be convert.

I did not have this experience, for instance.

Perhaps the holy rabbi was simply being scrupulous that the would-be convert did not wear pants (or panties). When he caught her wearing pants, perhaps he removed them for her spiritual benefit and to avoid the desecration of God’s name. Then he screwed her as the ultimate punishment to make sure she never repeated her sin.

I know that women going through the RCC conversion program can get into big trouble for wearing pants (though I have never heard of allegations of sexual impropriety against anyone currently conducting Orthodox conversions in Los Angeles). One friend of mine in the RCC program wore skirts while jogging around Pico-Robertson. Yes, late at night, the skirts often came off with her man, but I won’t go there because Judaism’s laws of holy speech prevent me.

I dated this woman who was going through the RCC. We had a date to go roller-skating on the Venice Board Walk. I believe she had checked with her rabbi at Aish HaTorah and he’d told her it was not so terrible to wear pants during athletics that made skirts difficult providing she was outside of the community and wouldn’t cause a stir.

So we get to the Venice/Santa Monica divide. I tell her I don’t want roller skate, that I have fragile bones, not enough calcium, they break easily, I tend tender loving care. I just want to walk.

So we’re walking along the park in Santa Monica overlooking the beach, two consenting adults celebrating the sunshine and exchanging tasty Torah tidbits, and she’s scared to death that she will run into someone she knows from Orthodox life.

After we run into the second frum family she knows, she makes us go to a department store and buy her a skirt.

And then she went off and married a rabbi!

Where’s the gratitude?

Over the years, I’ve given hell to a lot of women for wearing pants. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’m with Rabbi Tropper in this regard — pants on a woman sicken me. It feels like a violation of everything I hold sacred.

I think that what most bothers me and rabbis such as Tropper about pants on a woman is that they can be very awkward and time-consuming to remove, time better spent studying text. Rabbi Tropper and I live our lives for Torah. If we’re going to lower ourselves to have sex with a would-be convert, we want to finish quickly so that we clean ourselves of her filth and return to studying Talmud and performing mitzvot to equal out the sin we just committed.

I guess I shouldn’t speak for the holy rabbi. This is just my thinking. Please don’t judge me. God made me this way. Your mileage in this matter may vary. These methods can cause you a lot of trouble if anyone finds out about them. Other Jews aren’t as understanding as I am. If your excitement lasts for longer than four hours, please consult a doctor. Do not do this stuff if you take nitrates for chest pain.

I still contend that long skirts are far superior to pants. They flatter a woman’s figure more readily than pants which too often reveal discomforting thickness around the thighs.

As my friends in Orthodox Judaism observe, the longer the skirt, the quicker it comes off.

Skirts can fall off wonderfully. It truly feels like an act of divine intervention. Then the Torah Jew can get his business done in a right smart fashion, relieve himself of the burden of his yetzer hara, and return to the path of righteousness, looking for bugs in lettuce and making sure that toilet bowl cleaner has hashgacha.

Ahh, now it becomes clear to me why toilet bowl cleaner must be kosher. I don’t think I’m revealing any secrets when I confess that a lot of us have watched all together too much porn. In many of Rocco Siffredi’s videos, for instance, the women get sodomized while having their heads dunked in the toilet.

So if you are a rabbi and you’re having rough sex with a would-be convert and you’re dunking her head in the toilet bowl while you’re plooking her, it is very important for the love of Christ that the toilet bowl cleaner be kosher.

From Failed Messiah:

The woman told FailedMessiah.com Tropper was

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been followed by the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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