I’m Live On My Cam

I’m live on my cam.
I’m a gentle soul. I have loads of empathy. Just stacks of it. So when people come into my chat room and ask me to talk to them, I often try to make an effort to be friendly. There’s never a reward for that. Everybody who has ever come into my chatroom — during the almost two years I’ve had it — who has pled with me to talk to them has failed to be interesting.
Interesting people never plead for attention. All those who plead for attention are not interesting. It’s been an iron rule.
Also, hot chicks never plead for attention. Chicks who plead for attention in my chat room are never hot.
I believe there are profound lessons here for life.

jim: not talking today..
jim: I”v been here before luke
YourMoralLeader: gday
jim: I cant understand why you dont talk
jim: your not very friendly today whats wrong ?
jim: you cant make friends this way…..
jim: bye luke see ya next time have a good day friend Bye

See? What did I get for my effort of saying “Gday”? I got bupkis.
So don’t come into my chat room and plead for my attention. Do something interesting and then you will get my attention. Or if I am preoccupied with my study of the sacred text, leave your email address in my chatroom and I’ll hit you back as soon as I’ve finished the Talmudic tractate I’m memorizing.

YourMoralLeader: who r u beth?
Beth: The female version of you, but for the grace of G-d.
Beth: Your book is keeping me up nights, introspectively. So thanks for the free therapy.
YourMoralLeader: i am flattered
Beth: I’m glad, you should be. I’m not easily shaken.
YourMoralLeader: what work do you?
Beth: I’m an editor and book designer for small genre press.
Beth: Horror, crime, sci-fi. I write erotica but it’s too good to publish.
ChaimAmalek: I hope this works out. If Pakistan goes….
YourMoralLeader: Chaim, Beth is married
ChaimAmalek: 80 – 100 nukes,
ChaimAmalek: Is this Beth married to a Jew?
Beth: What’s that got to do with Pakistan, Luke?
ChaimAmalek: Nothing, but then why did Luke raise this issue?
YourMoralLeader: because you are a secular horn dog
ChaimAmalek: Unless he were contemplating having coitus with you while Pakistan goes into the s**tter
YourMoralLeader: i am a holy man
ChaimAmalek: Yes, yes you are. I expect you to go haredi soon.
Beth: If ever there was cause to celebrate, with coitus or otherwise…
ChaimAmalek: I used to work at Yohah Shimmel’s Coital Clothery on the Lower East Side
ChaimAmalek: I worked the drill press
YourMoralLeader: oy, always talking about sex
ChaimAmalek: Of course, if you are a shiksa, this won’t mean a thing to you. Luke, I came in here guns blazing on nukes and Pakis
ChaimAmalek: Luke, why do you suddenly feel obligated to discuss sexual matters? When it is just males in here, you don’t even open your mouth
ChaimAmalek: Let’s focus on Pakistan and muslims and nukes.
ChaimAmalek: Also, Bloomberg.com reports that the bankers at GoldmanSachs are arming themselves
guest: i’d rather hear about tigers sexcapades
ChaimAmalek: Beth, I neglected to say hello. How do you do?
Beth: I’m that American breed of shiksa. The daughter of an observant conservative Jew and his never-bothered-to-convert shiksa wife who lights shabbos candles.
ChaimAmalek: SHIKSA MENACE V. 4.0
YourMoralLeader: oh my
ChaimAmalek: excuse me, v 3.0
ChaimAmalek: v 1.0: blonde shiksa goddess; v2.0: the Yellow Peril; v3.0:the mishelung; v4.0:the Hindoo Honey

Beth: I went through some conversion classes but they really stressed the Hebrew reading and my brain shut down.
ChaimAmalek: Is your husband Jewish?
Beth: Afraid not. I wouldn’t have done that to the Jewish people.
ChaimAmalek: So why bother messing with conversion? I’ve always held that a gentile white woman who seeks to convert to Judaism or Islam likely is nuts
Beth: I would “bother messing with conversion” because I’m a Jew as far as everyone but the Jews is concerned.
ChaimAmalek: Luke, why don’t you do the right thing and propose marriage?
ChaimAmalek: Luke, I want to visit for your wedding. When will this be?
guest: it will take place at beth jacob with the honorable Rabbi Weil presiding
ChaimAmalek: But when?
guest: before the coming of the jewish Messiah
ChaimAmalek: He already came, sayeth the Messianists of Looobavitch
guest: no food other than split pea soup will be served
Beth: I’m relegated to the status of spare white woman.

ChaimAmalek: America is too well entertained a nation.
ChaimAmalek: American men play with their Wees while Asiatics practice integral calculus.
ChaimAmalek: Were I president, I would demand that every American spend one hour a day doing math drills and another hour on physical fitness.

ChaimAmalek: Luke and Holly might have made some beautiful babies together.
guest: yes…but would we be invited to a bris?
ChaimAmalek: Sorry….I know I should not touch on that topic.
guest: i guess you could scratch a bar mitzvah invite too
ChaimAmalek: So what? Is there otherwise ever going to be a bar mitzvah invite?
guest: no check will be in the mail
ChaimAmalek: Just the passage of time, physical decline, poverty, old age, sickness, death, and barely a mention in the blogosphere. Exactly the opposite of what would have been his life had he pursued Holly
Beth: how long do you all plan to be at this virtual party?
ChaimAmalek: What party?
ChaimAmalek: There is no celebration here.
Beth: I suppose sarcasm doesn’t travel well over the web.
ChaimAmalek: Turn around. Leaves are brown, there’s a patch of snow on the ground.
ChaimAmalek: Beth, make babies!
ChaimAmalek: This is how the books balance.
Beth: I’ll let my husband know you think so, Chaim.
ChaimAmalek: I’ll bet he agrees
guest: we need to breed …more amaleks
Beth: I’ll be back. Hope you’re still here.
ChaimAmalek: True that. I am willing to inseminate any suitable woman who comes my way.
guest: dono’t leave me all alone
ChaimAmalek: I’m still here, with my semen
User Beth left the room.
guest: your cold sarcastic semen?
ChaimAmalek: It just needs the affection of a fertile woman to warm up

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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