Luke Ford

I know a woman who is a professional dancer (in a modern dance troupe).

Whenever she tells an Orthodox Jewish guy that she’s a dancer, he invariably responds, "Like on a pole?"

Nobody else responds that way.

There’s no better way to organize yourself socially than by religion. You get to spend most of your time with people who share your values, your rituals and your food.

Khunrum emails: "Wouldn’t it be more accurate to suggest that it is you sharing their food, you shnoorer you? Unless you’ve been throwing wine and cheese tasting parties at the Hovel."

Curious writes: "Is bukkake considered a ritual?"

I’ve found there’s no better place to meet chix than in G-d’s house.

Whether it’s church or synagogue or mosque, these are social places where you get to meet a better sort. There’s nothing like shul to see and be seen and to advance your social prospects by connecting with the opposite sex far above you in status.

In a house of G-d, people are simultaneously on their best behavior, less defensive, more open, and more aroused. If you meet a woman who’s been turned on by the prayers, the singing and the rabbi’s sermon, you can leverage that to your own ends.

Houses of worship usually meet at night. That’s the most romantic time of the day. Women look better at night, particularly the ones over 30.

After "Scream and I’ll kill you!", my next most successful pick-up line is, "Where do you go to synagogue?"

Women, even shiksas, think you’re the serious and moral sort when you ask that sort of question and they lower their defenses.

At shul, the amount of money you make seems to matter less, particularly if you are walking to shul on Shabbos.

Poor Jews need love too and kiddish is a great time for me to make that point to the sundry doctors and lawyers in the cholent line.

Friday nights remind otherwise successful single Jewish females that they are alone and they hate that. I have compassion for such ladies and like to be around Makor (until they kicked me out) to give pastorly advice and foot rubs as the need may be.

Women have inexhaustible needs and I am only one frail guy but I do the best I can with the advice Dennis Prager gave me.

After Shabbos, after this period of restriction is over, women often want a ride home and an excuse to bust free. After carefully observing the Almighty’s minute precepts for 25 hours, they want to spend some time taking care of their own needs.

That’s where I come in.

Women love a challenge in addition to a ride home.

"I’m on anti-depressants and can’t get excited anymore," is a common one.

"Then you won’t mind if I…" is my response.

Don’t be intimidated by Orthodox shuls. Single Orthodox females, and not so Orthodox females who venture inside, need love too.

It was the Shabbos that Yitzhock Rabin was assassinated. I was at Aish HaTorah. A lot of people, including this one woman I wanted, were quite happy about the killing.

I put aside my delicate sensibilities and opened my heart wide enough to offer her a ride home.

We stopped by my guest house in Beverly Hills. We hung out.

She gave me that line about antidepressants.

I showed her compassion.

Next thing I knew she was screaming out how much she liked it rough.

In my video, I teach you how to get more bang for the buck with the ladies.

In my first year in LA, I lived out of my 1979 Datsun stationwagon yet I got more lovin’ during that time than all the rest of my life put together. It’s not the size of the hovel but the motion of the ocean.

My videos may not be high in technical quality but at least they’re honest and from the heart. I am as much in earnest as a dog humping your leg.