Steve Sailer wrote July 24, 2005: “Mickey Kaus called Luke the “human Echelon Project, for the prodigious amount of interviewing and transcribing he does of who’s saying what around LA. Luke even interviewed me. But the bonus reason for reading Luke’s blog is so you can then read the libelously hilarious “Luke Ford Fan Blog.”
From the Luke Ford Fan Blog archives:
February 3, 2007:
I woke up this morning, rolled over to check my email (I sleep with my laptop because I’m a L-O-S-E-R!) and saw a message from Nikki Finke. I read it and went back to sleep.
I dreamt that I was walking along a southern California beach with my 10 year old niece. She had just scored two goals in the city-wide championship soccer game and was telling me all about it. The beach was very crowded, but I saw Cathy Seipp standing with a piece of paper in one hand. Before her were 30 or so of her regular commenters. As I got closer (Cathy is a very beautiful woman, by the way) I discovered that she was reading from next week’s National Review Online column. The wack-packers sat cross-legged in rapt attention, except for Lewis Fein and Donna Barstow who were shoving one another.
I told my niece to “shhhh,” as I wanted to listen to Cathy. But every time Cathy began to speak Nikki Finke, who was sitting some 10 feet behind her under a sun umbrella, would shout: “Shut up, Cathy, nobody wants to hear your stupid National Review Online column!” Nikki — in my dream! — was a 600 pound blob wearing an all-black Gothic one-piece swimsuit.
Each time Cathy was heckled, she would stop, clear her throat and start again at the beginning, only speaking louder and with more demonstrative hand gestures — you know just like Sandra Tsing-Loh. The yelling and the hand movements were quite annoying — you know just like Sandra Tsing-Loh — and I was starting to feel somewhat sympathetic toward Ms Finke. Also at this point Donna Barstow’s fight with Lewis Fein had degenerated into a full-scale wrestling match, with Donna on top of Lewis (who is very small, almost hobbit-like) pinning him to the sand.
Finally Cathy had enough of Ms Finke’s interruptions. She threw her piece of paper on the ground (the wack-packers scrambled over each other to pick it up) and stormed toward the gossip reporter and began violently punching her in the head. Nikki — in my dream! — had but tiny Tyrannosaurus Rex-like arms that didn’t extend to her head, so she couldn’t defend herself. “This is getting ugly,” I said to my niece. I picked her up and began running away.
Then I woke up.
According to Nikki Finke I’m not allowed to discuss what was in her email to me. And I will not, only to say that I’m dreadfully sorry, Nikki, if anything that I’ve written about you has caused offence. I promise it won’t happen again.
February 9, 2007:
I’ve just finished reading Harry Frankfurt’s essay “On Bullshit.” I soooo recognise myself:
What bullshit essentially misrepresents is neither the state of affairs to which it refers nor the beliefs of the speaker concerning that state of affairs. Those are what lies misrepresent, by virtue of being false. Since bullshit need not be false, it differs from lies in its misrepresentational intent. The bullshitter may not deceive us, or even intend to do so, either about the facts or about what he takes the facts to be. What he does necessarily attempt to deceive us about is his enterprise. His only indispensably distinctive characteristic is that in a certain way he misrepresents what he is up to.
This is the crux of the distinction between him and the liar. Both he and the liar represent themselves falsely as endeavoring to communicate the truth. The success of each depends upon deceiving us about that. But the fact about himself that the liar hides is that he is attempting to lead us away from a correct apprehension of reality; we are not to know that he wants us to believe something he supposes to be false. The fact about himself that the bullshitter hides, on the other hand, is that the truth-values of his statements are of no central interest to him; what we are not to understand is that his intention is neither to report the truth nor co conceal it. This does not mean that his speech is anarchically impulsive, but that the motive guiding and controlling it is unconcerned with how the things about which he speaks truly are.
It is impossible for someone to lie unless he thinks he knows the truth. Producing bullshit requires no such conviction. A person who lies is thereby responding to the truth, and he is to that extent respectful of it. When an honest man speaks, he says only what he believes to be true; and for the liar, it is correspondingly indispensable that he considers his statements to be false. For the bullshitter, however, all these bets are off: he is neither on the side of the true nor on the side of the false. His eye is not on the facts at all, as the eyes of the honest man and of the liar are, except insofar as they may be pertinent to his interest in getting away with what he says. He does not care whether the things he says describe reality correctly. He just picks them out, or makes them up, to suit his purpose.
In his essay, “Lying,” St. Augustine distinguishes lies of eight types, which he classifies according to the characteristic intent or justification with which a lie is told. Lies of seven of these types are told only because they are supposed to be indispensable means to some end that is distinct from the sheer creation of false beliefs. It is not their falsity as such, in other words, that attracts the teller to them. Since they are told only on account of their supposed indispensability to a goal other than deception itself, St. Augustine regards them as being told unwillingly: what the person really wants is not to tell the lie but to attain the goal. They are therefore not real lies, in his view, and those who tell them are not in the strictest sense liars. It is only the remaining category that contains what he identifies as “the lie which is told solely for the pleasure of lying and deceiving, that is, the real lie.” Lies in this category are not told as means to any end distinct from the propagation of falsehood. They are told simply for their own sakes — i.e., purely out of a love of deception: “There is a distinction between a person who tells a lie and a liar. The former is one who tells a lie unwillingly, while the liar loves to lie and passes his time in the joy of lying … The latter takes delight in lying, rejoicing in the falsehood itself.”
I need to put my blog on hiatus as I study St. Augustine, contemplate my appalling lack of character, and try to make myself a better, less manipulative, person. But, hey, at least in St. Augustine I’ve finally found a leader who can help me with my specific moral failing.
Luke Ford is best suited to helping horny porno types. He’s definitely an expert in that area, what with all the hands-on counselling he’s done assisting teenage girls (and grannies!) battle sex addiction and exhibitionism — evils with which Horrid Boy, a “failed pornographer” and icky nudist, is all too familiar. If Mr Ford can defeat his sexual demons with the help of The Great Dennis Prager, then I can defeat my need to bullshit with the help of The Saintly Augustine of Hippo! (Or maybe not.)
AL-QAIDA’S NO. 2 CALLS FORD A SEX ADDICT
From Maamoun Youssef of the Associated Press:
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) — Al-Qaida’s No. 2 said Luke Ford was a sex addict who wagered on Torah study and lost, according to a new audiotape released Tuesday.
Ayman al-Zawahri said in the tape that Ford has been forced to admit his failure after he was “stubborn” and repeated the “lie, which he became addicted to, that he is winning” his battle against sexhibitionism.
“Ford suffers from an addictive personality, and was a sex addict (and a nudist). I don’t know his present condition … but the one who examines his personality finds that he is addicted to two other faults: lying and gambling,” al-Zawahri said in the audiotape.
Ford, who is now 40, has acknowledged he had a problem with pornography but gave up gambling when he was 18 years old …
In Other News:
Pauline Hanson has a new boyfriend — just in time for Valentine’s Day! My favourite Aussie politician, the incredibly sexy Pauline Hanson (I have a thing for very conservative older women with short hair) is now dating country music singer Chris Callaghan. He’s written a song for Pauline. OMG, it’s soooo good!
On the one hand, I’m a little bit jealous because Ms Hanson is one of my many pretend girlfriends (and fantasy sex is better if it’s a little bit realistical); on the other hand, Pauline has been through so much — including being a political prisoner for 11 weeks (she was originally sentenced to three years). So I’m happy that she’s found love again, and, better still, is getting back into politics. If only we had moral/political leaders like Pauline Hanson in Canada. All hope is not lost, however.
I’d blog some more, but I really have to listen to “How Proud Are We” again — it’s, like, the best song EVER!
So I’m checking out Pererro‘s blogroll and I see that I’m not listed under “Blogs We Frequent,” but rather under “Other Cool People.” And that’s cool, except look at my neighbours! I see I’m listed with Rebecca Schoenkopf. And that’s cool, too, except that she’s clearly mocking Mr Scott with her “That’s terribly exciting” comment. Now I hate David Scott as much as the next person, and let it never be said that I don’t heartily approve of (good-natured) mockery, but Rebecca doesn’t write for the OC Weekly anymore so her reference to “our paper” is terribly dated. And speaking of terribly dated, the Onanism Today blog hasn’t existed for over a year and yet it is still being linked. Why?
DERACINATED JEWISH GIRLS ARE WAY ICKY
Here’s jamYe waXman‘s list of the top nine things she loves (relevant excerpts, with my pithy comments, only):
2. The smell of a lover’s armpits. The stinkier the better. Same goes with asparagus pee. I know it takes an honest person to admit that one, but it’s true. I also like the smell of gasoline, not to be confused with the smell of other people’s gas.
I feel ill.
3. Betty Dodson. This lady rocks my socks off. I mean I generally wear really high socks so it’s hard to acutally [sic] knock them off. She is hands down the hippest grandma lady [sic] (and I mean that as the highest of compliments only) I know, and if I grow up to be anything like Betty then I”m [sic] doing okay by me. Betty and I have been getting to know each other a little better ever since I, uhm, helped her with a video, and these past few months she’s really allowed me into her world. I’m just like, wow, I get to know Betty Dodson, how cool is that?
She’s a masturbating granny pornographer! So, no, not cool. Not cool at all. And speaking of icky self-abuse …
7. Masturbation, vibration and sensation. (in keeping with the ‘tion’ theme here). I love to give myself orgasms with a vibrator.
Eeeewwwwwww! That’s so wrong. Note how jamYe waXman wears glasses. And she can’t even spell her name right. Capital letters belong at the beginning of names. And she can’t punctuate properly. In the second sentence the word “in” should be capitalised, and the period belongs inside the parentheses. Surely all this suggests oncoming dementia.
9. Blinky things … they just always make me happy.
Correction: the poor thing is already, like, totally demented.
My Moral Leader, Luke Ford, is against masturbation and all things vibrating and sensual. That’s because he studies Torah. Okay, so sometimes he succumbs to his yetzer hara. But not often. In fact, according to his memoir (not autobiography [for the longest time I was calling his memoir an autobiography thinking, incorrectly, that they’re the same thing, when, of course, they’re not!]) after his conversion Mr Ford didn’t masturbate for a whole year! Pretty impressive, huh? In fact, Horrid Boy broke the male masturbation abstinence record by 354 days. (The old mark was 11 days held by a 94 year old from Tashkent, Uzbekistan.) And people wonder how Luke Ford, despite being a porn blogging nudist, became the world’s number 2 (behind The Great Dennis Prager) moral leader.
When Wallabies Attack
Blowjob instructor (I kid you not!) jamYe waXman (yes that’s how she spells her name) has written a quick and dirty — yet remarkably perceptive — profile of Luke Ford. She obviously has a “thing” for Horrid Boy and makes no attempt to hide her affection. Of course, it’s easy to like people you don’t know very well — just ask [Ann*]. She had a “thing” for Luke Ford. Then she went to the Hovel to have sex with him. Three hours, a fistful of Levitra tablets, some hair pulling and oddly-timed Bible study later and “Prince Charming” had turned into a “piece of garbage.”
Ladies: you have been warned. (Not that any of you seem to be listening.)
Alas, jamYe is so enamoured with Luke Ford she sent me an email a couple of days ago stating: “I think I love you.” I, being completely pathetic, immediately wrote back: “I love you, too, jamYe!!!!”
Unfortunately, I paid so much attention to spelling jamYe “properly” I failed to realise that the poor thing was under the impression that Mr Ford writes his own fan blog. Normally I don’t mind it when people think that my work is the product of Horrid Boy’s beautiful mind, but in this case I ended up being thoroughly humiliated by the misunderstanding.
Anyhoo, Horrid Boy’s can add another hot babe to his (long) list of groupies. It just doesn’t seem fair that he has so many.
What does Mr Ford have that sends women like jamYe waXman, granny porn star Kitten Natividad, Cathy Seipp, Maja Lee, Heather MacDonald, Kendra Jade, et al., into spasms of uncontrollable desire?
Perhaps horny women find eccentricity sexy? No, that can’t be it. There are plenty of sexually frustrated male eccentrics. (Me for example.) I suspect it has something to do with how Luke Ford became eccentric. This, of course, goes back to his childhood. See XXX-Communicated: A rebel without a shul for all the gory details, but here’s the story in brief:
One day when Luke was four years old he was playing with himself, I mean, by himself, outdoors, that is, in the Outback. Australia is full of all sorts of dangerous creatures unknown to the civilised world, such as: the Saltwater Crocodile, the Box Jellyfish, the Redback Spider, the Death Adder Snake, and, most feared of all, the Browneye Wallaby. Of course, wallabies have black eyes. Hence the problem. Just as young Luke bent over, a wallaby jumped on his back. Luke Ford explains what happened next:
When he comes at ya, he doesn’t even seem to be livin’ … ’til he rapes ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then … ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. And despite all your poundin’ and your hollerin’ those wallabies come in and … they rape you to pieces.
Luke’s mommy comments:
I noticed Luke’s rectum would loop out of the anus. Ellen [Luke’s older sister] says it was from straining on the pot. We didn’t know at the time that Luke’s condition was a result of being repeatedly sodomised by the wallabies that inhabited our back yard.
So if you have ever wondered “How did Luke Ford become so eccentric, and thus appealling to women?” there’s your answer. (I think.)
All I know for sure is that I wish I had a prolapsed rectum just like My Moral Leader, then maybe I could wear adult diapers and have groupies (e.g., Ms waXman). Speaking of adult diapers, you can hear jamYe waXman’s (yes that’s really how she spells her name) podcast on anal sex here. Enjoy. (Or not.)
One last thing: Bradley J. Fikes says my Jewdar sometimes malfunctions. Trust me, it ain’t malfunctioning on this chick.
I’m feuding with David N. Scott. A couple of weeks ago I kindly informed Mr Scott about a few problems with the Pererro blogroll. Specifically, I noted that the link to my blog was placed under “Other Cool People,” along with Wholly Without Merit John (a proud “out” masturbator with a blog named Onanism Today), [Ann*] (a self-described “sexual animal” who boasts of owning a $249.95 vibrator she calls BOB, i.e., her “Battery Operated Boyfriend”), and Rebecca Schoenkopf (the less said about Rebecca’s icky sexual practises the better).
My Moral Leader, Luke Ford, a sincere and devout Orthodox Jew, vigorously opposes (after years of field research) all forms of sexual immorality, including masturbation, especially self-abuse combined with pornography, vibrators, dildos, and butt plugs. To have my blog placed in the company of disreputable people like Mr John, …[Ms. Ann], and Ms Schoenkopf caused me deep distress.
I was hoping that the link to my site could be moved from under “Other Cool People” to the “Blogs We Frequent” section of Pererro’s sidebar. This is were Mr Ford is located, and I would ideally like to be placed next to him. (I don’t mean this is a gay way, of course, as Mr Ford opposes homosexuality. He studied this subject extensively as a child with the help of research partner Wayne Chery.) Instead, I was moved to the “Lurker” section of the Pererro blogroll.
Excuse me?
Is not “Lurker” suspiciously close to “Voyeur”? Why yes it is. Is not being a voyeur worse than being simply a masturbator? Why yes it is, because voyeur invariably includes peeping tomism and masturbation.
Mr David N. Scott has viciously insulted me. He has called me a sexual deviant. I demand an immediate apology, along with monetary compensation, for the terrible damage done to my reputation by Mr Scott and his evil minions at Pererro.
I eagerly await Mr Scott’s abject apology (and money). In the meantime I will be carefully reading Pererro looking for other examples of improper conduct. I shan’t need to look too long as it appears that Mr Scott, presumably under the influence of Luke Y. Thompson, is rapidly moving politically leftward. Note, for example, Mr Scott’s recent blog post decrying America’s capitalist health care system. Perhaps Mr Scott wants a government-run health system, like we have in Canada. Is Mr Scott a socialist? Should not the authorities at Mr Scott’s Christian college be informed that they have a godless communist in their midst?
I also see that Pererro has a new poster, a gentleman connected to the OJ Simpson murder named Mario G. Nitrini 111. Is Mr Scott associating with the criminal element? Apparently so.
Frankly, I find all this deeply disconcerting and rather confusing, what with Mr Scott constantly prattling on about how much he loves Baby Jesus and all. I do believe an explanation is required. Perhaps Mr Scott could clarify his blog’s philosophy. The sheer number of posts, the new and many contributors, and Mr Scott’s changing political ideology and lessening religious faith, suggest that a new mission statement is in order.
I was going to delete my blog (it seems so inappropriate right now), but Cathy liked it. She was very supportive, sending me encouraging emails. I feel like I let her down by not posting more often (and not coming up with better, classier, material). Unfortunately, I can’t change the past. My heart goes out to Cathy, Maia, Luke, and everyone else from Cathy’s World.
A little over a year ago Luke Ford asked me to guest blog for him. He also lined up another writer, Bornyo, “a Christian from Texas.” I exchanged a few emails with Bornyo, discussing Luke Ford, his life story, and what makes him tick. We agreed that we like Luke, that he is, in the main, a good man, and we wish the best for him.
Then Bornyo asked me a surprising question: “Do you think Chaim Amalek is a real person?”
I thought everyone who reads the Luke Ford Family of Blogs™ understood that Chaim is just one of Luke’s (many) alter egos. So, I confidently responded: “Of course not!”
Maybe I shouldn’t have been so sure of myself.
Last week I was talking with David N. Scott about [Ann’s] plans for a television programme hosted by Luke, called The Luke Ford Diversity Hour. Well, that idea didn’t go anywhere — not unlike the made-for-cable TV biopic that was going to be produced by HBO (or was it ShowTime?). As [Ann] was tossing around show ideas with Luke, she was put in contact with two of Mr Ford’s advisers…
When I first started reading Cathy’s World three years ago I was admittedly a little concerned about her relationship with Luke Ford. I noticed how affectionate she was toward him. I assumed that she didn’t know about Mr Ford’s past, and, more to the point, his present. (Remember for a long time Luke was very sensitive about people learning of his return to porn journalism.)
As time passed, I came to understand that not only did Cathy know pretty much everything there is to know about Luke Ford, but she was very protective of him, including sticking up for him when she could (e.g., when Luke was fired from Pajama’s Media).
There’s a story in The Producers about a female executive Luke wanted to interview. After agreeing to get together over a meal, the woman found out about Mr Ford’s first book, A History of X: 100 Years of Sex in Film. She wasn’t impressed (and not just about the endless pages of blockquotes). The woman showed up at the restaurant, had a quick breakfast and left, barely saying a word to Luke.
I thought that was so small minded and sad.
Ah, but Cathy not only agreed to be interviewed by Mr Ford for his series on lady journalists, she quickly became best friends with Luke, and thus Chaim Amalek, Elisabeth Irwin, Reverend Peter Luther Christian, Cindee Plenum, Hector Gomez, Fischel Teitelbaum, and many others.
And that is so very, very cool!
Goodbye Miss Seipp
I’m in shock. Even though she gave us a 1½ year warning, I still can’t believe it. I’ve always thought of Cathy Seipp as a larger-than-life, 10-foot-tall superwoman: completely fearless and utterly indestructible.
It was so hard to read Maia’s posts about her mother being in constant horrific pain over these last few weeks. Peaceful rest for Cathy is the only solace I can find in this tragedy. She will be dearly missed.
