* Jewish Friend: When my kids were little, I used to say “what’s the best day to go to the Bronx Zoo?”
Answer: During the Puerto Rican Day Parade.
* Jewish Friend: “You’re very racist today.”
Luke: “I wasn’t like this prior to converting to Orthodox Judaism. I’m the victim here.”
Friend: “Wow.”
* Three Jews have a friendly chat.
Democrat Jew: “Republicans couldn’t handle the CNBC moderators. A bunch of crybabies.”
Independent Jew: “Jews couldn’t handle Hitler. Bunch of crybabies.”
Republican Jew to Democrat Jew: “Go teach a class in how to stab a Jew.”
* My friend has a computer problem.
Luke: “Do we have any chinks around here?”
Friend: “Yeah, you.”
* I grew up in the Australian outback, birds singing, very quiet, no Jews around for a hundred miles.
* A Jew: “That Adventist ministry? Do people get anything out of it?”
Luke: “Yes, assurance of their heavenly salvation.”
* For a very reasonable price, I’m willing to come to your home and talk to your kids about the facts of life.
* This could have been me, but thank god Desmond was a strict father.
* My new book is called “How To Make Love Like A Seventh-Day Adventist Preacher!”
* I told an Orthodox Jew that my new book is called “How to **** Like a Seventh-Day Adventist!” He said: “Probably too G-rated for me.”
* A Jew just yelled at me: “The Vatican’s laundering money!”
Phew.
* Some vendors, when they see a Jew coming, it seems like they double their prices. What did your tradition teach you to do when you see a Jew coming?
* Friend: “My life is so boring compared to yours.”
Luke: “I just didn’t know how to leverage that work experience.”
Friend: “How about over a desk?”
* My friend says a couple of these chairs could take my love life to the next level.
* I find it hard to join a group without immediately scheming how to take it over.
* I walk around yearning for the world to acclaim me for traits and accomplishments I don’t have. So it is very important for me to convince you about the wonders of my false self though the fear of being found out is horrifying.
* I like to start my day smoking a big blatt of gemara.
* Friend: “Can’t you go home?”
Luke: “I got a meeting.”
Friend: “It’s raining. Go home.”
Luke: “I got a disease. It’s like cancer.”
* ABC: FIGHT OVER LAST PIECE OF CHICKEN ENDS IN FATAL STABBING AT HOUSTON APARTMENT
HOUSTON — A fight over dinner has left one man dead, and another man charged with his murder.
At about 11:30 p.m. Friday, police say five men were fixing dinner and drinking in an apartment in the 1400 block of Lakeside Estates. Reinaldo Cardoso Rivera, 38, reportedly became angry when Darwin Perez Gonzalez, 34, took the last piece of chicken.
Police say the argument escalated into a fist fight in the parking lot, where Rivera allegedly stabbed Gonzalez and took off with a knife. Gonzalez died at the scene.
Rivera later returned to the scene and admitted to officers he stabbed Gonzalez. He was taken into custody and charged with murder. Officers say they recovered a kitchen knife in Rivera’s possession.
