* Friend: best advice you ever gave me was when I kvetched about your pics of me were the first thing google pulled up….and you said, “do more work…” well, all the s***I write pushed even my mug shots off of it…”

* Friend: I’m writing a book about your abstinence called, “None Off The Wrist”

* I hate to generalize and stereotype, but certain accents immediately make me think a person is not so bright.

* “I used to date latinos but now I prefer consensual.” (Amy Schumer) That’s racist! Not all latinos are rapists. For instance, my leafblower Jesus Jorge Ramirez does not seem like a rapist. He’s a low-energy guy.

* Yeah, we’re FB friends, but would you help me bury a body?

* What gangs do Jews side with in prison? I think the Nazi ones, rather than the black or latino ones.

* The Mexican came by.
Luke: “Hey, can you fix the air conditioning?”
Mexican: “I don’t know how. Call the building.”
Luke: “But you’re Mexican.”
Mexican: “That’s racist.”
Luke: “Your dad taught you how to fix air conditioning before you headed off to the quincenera.”
Mexican: “My mom is Mexican. My dad is Italian.”

* “Under the Golden Rose, a [Jewish] theme restaurant ー diners are given hats with peyes attached, nibble on matzoh, and are encouraged to haggle over food price.”

* Why not invite God to the party?

* A shiksa in distress was told by my friend Lewis Fein to call her local police station and ask for Detective Christy Love. She did it and got hung up on!

Lewis Fein: They didn’t hang up. I had her call four times, asking for, respectively, Christie Love, Detective Christie Love, Detective Christine Love, and finally, Detective Love.

* When I used to engage in the dark arts, the purity of my rabbi’s love for me would often come to my mind and spoil my fun.

* Praise God, I never suffer from writer’s block and rarely have an unexpressed thought or feeling these days.

* Either you quit praying or you quit masturbating. The two activities are not compatible. One cancels out the other.

* I know the limits of acceptable discussion and I am locate myself about five miles outside of them.

* Listening to NPR, it seems like every story is either told by a Jew, is about Jews, or quotes Jews. It’s good to be king.

Jim Romenesko tweets: “NPR says 71% of its sources in 2014 were male; 77% were white; 8% black; 8% Asian; 5% Latino; and 2% other.”

What percentage of those whites are Jewish? It seems like a third.

“I first listened to National Public Radio in 1977. I was young then but saw the network for what it was and continues to be … a conspiracy of Jews.” – David Sedaris

* Do goyim ever long to run their own countries or is this work white people won’t do so it is best left to Jews, Mexicans, etc?

* If you don’t want to put your hand over your heart during the playing of the National Anthem, if you don’t want to celebrate Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July as distinctive American holidays, please leave America.

* I ask my brother if he’s been on any exciting dates lately.
Bro: “I just bought a used forklift.”

About Luke Ford

I've written five books (see Amazon.com). My work has been covered in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and on 60 Minutes. I teach Alexander Technique in Beverly Hills (Alexander90210.com).
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