Look, I’m not a racist or anything, but every time I meet a Mexican Jewess, I am impaled on the horns of a dilemma. On the one hand, they’re female and Jewish, on the other hand, they’re Mexican. I have visions of us having the chupa in Mexico City, the shtupa in Cancun, Pesach in Tijana and Succot in Guadelajara. We’ll speak Spanish around the house. We’ll have Mexican foreplay figuring out which gangs our boys should join, which donkey show unions our daughters should join. We’ll skip from state to state, looking for the most generous welfare benefits. In the first five years of marriage, my wife will double in weight. I’ll come home to find her drinking tequila from the bottle while watching those awful telenovelas on Univision. My whole family will root for Mexico in the World Cup. All her relatives will come over and get greencards through family reunification, thus lowering America’s average IQ. We’ll get up at 5am every day to pick cans out of the gringo’s trash and we’ll work late every night putting out flyers for fast food oriental restaurants.
Li writes: It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this. So, it’s a no to the Mexican Jewess then. Although, there is a big difference between an ethnically Mexican Jewish woman and an actual Jewish Mexican woman. You will find a Sephardic Jewish girls and Ashkenazi Jewish girls in Mexico City (places like Polanco) who you would not have to worry about this sort of scenario. If you marry the Mexican Jewess from the barrio, who left her catholic village behind and came to the US on foot only to discover the Judaism, she may be a little too barrio for you.
There’s a whole bunch of Mexicans who pretend to be Jewish to raise their social status. Most of them look like they would not have the cognitive power to make it through an Orthodox conversion program.
Daniel: “Like any other girl, though, she’ll eventually grow tired of your antics and get her brothers, Josè and Hose B, to beat your ass like a piñata.”
