Therapist Mark Smith: Most people who come to marital counseling think the problem is that the other person is a jerk and if we can just get that person to a therapist, surely the therapist will see my side of things and give feedback to this lost soul. But then they come in and we do a family tree and the patterns just jump of the board. They didn’t know they had married the worst part of their parents.
Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. We look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place. When we fall in love, our old brain is telling us that we have finally found someone who will meet our needs. Because we don’t understand what is going on, we’re shocked on when the truth about our beloved surfaces and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction. We’ve married someone similar to our parents. We’re disillusioned and feel ripped off.
We have chemistry with people who fit our profile psychologically. This chemistry isn’t based on looks or charm or wealth or how nice they treat you. The magic is not based on their ideal qualities, but it is based on how closely they match the qualities of those who wounded us in childhood.
