I got a bracha this morning that I should marry an Aboriginal convert to Orthodox Judaism and have 20 kids with her and have to erase half of my racist posts.
* While I was davening the Amidah (central prayer in Judaism), this Persian guy was yelling (either at a fellow Jew or at the Mexican help), “Get the f*** out of here!” During my 18 years in Seventh-Day Adventism, I never heard an Adventist say such a thing during prayer. It’s inconceivable. Well, maybe Abo Adventists, they were pretty risque.
* My last Jewish GF had this whole theory that I wanted her so bad because she was so pure Ashkenazi in a way I could never be, she went to the right Orthodox day schools in Manhattan, she wasn’t a slut like those kids at the Ethical Culture school, giving BJs at bat mitzvah parties.
* We were singing the 23rd Psalm during Seudah Shlishit, but most of the Jews were talking so the rabbi halted things and reminded us that for millions of Christians, the 23rd Psalm was sacred and perhaps we should treat it with more respect.
* The best conversation I’ve had on Tinder yet was with a well-read anti-Zionist (probably Jewish) prostitute.
Chaim Amalek: “Maybe you can use that to get a freebie from her. Getting laid through opposition to Zionism is as legitimate an approach as any other.”
* So this 42yo Jewess (who looks like my grandma after she’d been dead ten years) I matched with on JSwipe asked me, “So what did you like about me?” How do I tell her that I swipe yes on everyone?
* What this country needs is a strong moral figure who’ll provide a final solution to all the hookers gumming up my Tinder feed. I’m looking for lasting love, damn it!
* I asked this girl to a party for Valentine’s Day. She said she was spending the evening with her mom, explaining, “It’s about the people who matter the most.”
* Persians treat me better than any other kind of Jew does. I think it is because I am so racist.
* Today I celebrated Black History Month by using four credit cards to pay for my $1400 mechanic bill (three engine mounts and a new radiator). Put $180 on this card and $315 on this card and $880 on this card and the rest on this card. The cards have interest rates from 7% to 23%, so the 23% card gets paid off in full each month, even if I have to go back to dancing with strangers for a few nights.
* President Harry Truman: “I am strongly of the opinion that negroes ought to be in Arica, yellow men in Asia, and white men in Europe and America.”
