* “It’s kinda hard to enjoy heaven when your family and friends are burning forever.”
* You can date them, you can take them to shul, you can Facebook them, just don’t put it on Instagram! (Donald Sterling via Bill Burr)
* I’m having a Holocaust themed pool party. Everyone get in de pool!
* “You know what makes women happy? Nothing.”
* “The commissioner could punt a baby across his office with his wingtips on and I would still watch football.”
* “Jesus likes hookers and lepers but doesn’t like the queers.”
* “You give me freedom of choice. You make whores. You make me bad at math. You think this thing is not going off the rails?”